pregant with another woman's baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
pregant with another woman's baby
7
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:50pm

Ok so here is my story. Me and my ex-husband seperated in late April and got a divorce that was finalized in November. During this time period I started seeing someone and so did he. Things didn't work out on either side so we decided that we may try to work things out. Before this the girl that he was dating comes to him and says that she is pregnant with his baby and wasn't sleeping with anyone else. Which he says that the time frame does not add up and it's not his and one more thing her other kid's dad contacted my ex and told him that she has been "Hanging out" with him. I am trying to believe my ex and want to work things out but the thought that he may have this baby really hurts me. I don't think that I can except this baby if it is his and don't want it to be a part of my kids lives. This is really getting to me causing me to have anxiety attacks and just break-downs. I told him that I can't except it and he understands that it is hard for me. I just don't know what to do. I know that we were seperated and so it shouldn't matter but it is truly killing me to think about it. I just don't know. Any advice?

Thanks, Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:55pm

The only thing you can do at this point is wait until the baby is born and then he can request a paternity test.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:44pm
Welcome to the board, Limbo414 ~


I think I understand your problem; you recognize that your husband was free to do what he wanted, and that as such a pregnancy was possible, but despite that realization you're having trouble coming to terms with the fact that a child may come from his involvement. That being the case, it's hard to continue a relationship with him, and certainly hard to invest in a relationship with him feeling that if the baby is indeed his you will not want to continue with him. Getting close only to walk away will be difficult and hurtful.


Do you know why this is so hard for you, what it is specifically that you aren't able to accept and come to terms with? Getting a handle on that may help you figure out why you're having such a hard time making your emotional mind and your realistic mind agree. Or is it simply that while you understand cheating was not involved, you cannot accept another child from another relationship? Maybe you've always known you would not be accepting of a child that wasn't yours?


I have to say I was a bit concerned to read that because the relationships that you and your husband were in that you decided to try again. That makes being together sound like "better than being alone". I'd think if your relationship was worth working at you would have done that regardless of other relationships, and perhaps instead of other relationships. It just doesn't sound like the relationship itself was that important, which gives reason to wonder how much effort and change will go into a renewed relationship. This isn't a judgment, but an observation.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 9:38am

We were in a relationship for almost ten years. He was my best friend. But he started getting very controlling and very unappreciative. I lost all of my friends because he always wanted me home and that was it. But it was ok for him to go out and hang out with his buddies anytime he wanted. Then when my son came it seemed that he got jealous because the baby was getting more attention then he was. I left him once when my son was still a little baby and came back because he promised that he would change and he did for a while and when my daughter came I thought that it would be better but then again it got worse. It got to the point that I would work late just so that I didn't have to go home. Then I finally got the courage to leave. He begged me to come back but I had had enough and was not going back. During this time is when I started seeing someone else nothing serious just someone really that gave me what my ex had not for so many years. So once he knew that I was seeing someone he went to the arms of the other woman. I think it is the fact that he tells me that there was only one time that they did not use protection (granted I know it only takes once) but she is also a woman that is known to trap a guy in with a baby she has tried it twice before with another man. She was the one person that I asked him not to see because I knew that she was trouble.

This time my ex really has changed. He realized that he was loosing everything, His wife, best friend, and his kids, his family. I can see it that is why I want to work it out. He is my best friend we know everything about each other. We were 15 years old when we got together. I think the reason that I can't except the fact that she may be carrying his baby is because that is not our family. He knows that it is killing me and he is dissapointed in himself because of it also. I have tried so hard to to except it I just can't seem to get passed it. I want to work my family out not just for us but for the kids. I am just so afraid of working it out and then the baby comes and it is his. I makes me feel like a horrible person that I cannot except it even for my families sake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:03am
Limbo, your last reply has brought up a lot of questions from me, I hope you don't mind, I think they're very important:


  • Are you two divorced then? I was thinking your divorce was going to be final but you decided to try and work it out.
  • How long have you been back together?
  • You said "this time he's really changed", what has changed and what are you two doing to see that things continue to be different/better this time?
  • I understand you've been together since 15, but how old are you two now?

    Let me know, okay?






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 12/6/2006 1:06 am ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-04-2006
    Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:47pm

    Are you two divorced then? I was thinking your divorce was going to be final but you decided to try and work it out.
    Yes our divorce was finalized November 8th. I told him that if we were going to start over we were going to start from scratch. I didn't want to pick up a broken marriage I wante to start with a clean realtionship.

    How long have you been back together?
    We have been seeing each other again for almost a month now.

    You said "this time he's really changed", what has changed and what are you two doing to see that things continue to be different/better this time?
    We talked about the whole thing both cried alot because he really realized how bad he was to me before and realized that I was not happy with the way he was. I knew that I could not change him that he had to want to change himmself. He told me that he would do what ever he had to to have his family back. We have gone out on dates and we are really getting along better then we ever have now. He controls his temper alot more and if I notice that he is getting angry about something and mention it to nhim he calms down quickly because he knows that I don' like it.

    I understand you've been together since 15, but how old are you two now?
    We are both 25 now.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:19am
    Please tread very carefully, take your time and keep a fair distance between you. A month is easy to see "lots of changes" in. Six months, a year is a lot more difficult. It takes six months of doing something every day before it can be called a habit. It takes a year of doing something every day before it's considered a life habit. People don't change overnight, Limbo. People don't change simply because they want to. Change is difficult, you don't just stop being the person you've been for years, you don't stop the way you've acted, reacted and thought for years just because you decide to. Change doesn't happen without a lot of long, hard work with a therapist and I don't hear any of that. You've seen it before, he promised to change, and he did for a while, then it went back to the way it's been. Anybody can put on a front for a while, can be different for a while, but they go back to who they really are. He will be "nice" until he feels that your relationship is solid and then he'll start to go back to his real self. You've lived with him for enough years to know what his real self is. You know people can't just reinvent themselves, years of behavior says that is who he is.


    Limbo, what you've described in your past relationship is that he's controlling. And control is a form of abuse, and that doesn't change. You have much more very serious concerns than dealing with why you're having problems accepting the fact that he may have a child with someone else. You're considering going back into an abusive, controlling, relationship and that is a very real concern, to you and your children.

    I also urge you to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and tell you what they think of your situation. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of information and insight there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. Read even the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your ex-husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:


    What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
    Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
    Traits of an Abusive Personality
    Know What Domestic Violence Is
    Power and Control
    Extensive DV Checklist
    Brainwashing
    More on Brainwashing
    General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
    The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
    Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
    The Mind of an Abuser
    Is Your Relationship Healthy?
    Rship Components - Healthy & Unhealthy

    Listen to Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-04-2006
    Fri, 12-08-2006 - 9:34am
    Thanks so much for your words. I am listening very clearly and will take this advice. Again thanks.