Money Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Money Issues
8
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:08pm

My husband and I have been together 13 years, married 9. He was married twice before, and myself once.

He is currently disabled with a back injury from the military. He receives SSI/disability for himself and my daughter. We don't think alike at all regarding money.

I just received notice of my Christmas bonus. My problem is that I don't want to tell my husband exactly how much I got, as he will want to spend it. I want to spend it on paying off his medical bills that medicare didn't cover ($300) and pay him back for some work on my daughters' car ($300). I want to take the balance and put a portion on credit card bills and the rest to savings. ($600 and $600)

Would it be wrong to tell him that I only received $1000 ($800 after taxes) instead of $2000 ($1800 after taxes)? I can't discuss this with anyone as they will all tell me to pay off the bills and don't save any. Thanks for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:46pm

Regarding lying to your husband, yes it is wrong. It's far wiser to deal with the issue of different financial attitudes once and for all. Have the two of you seen a financial advisor with respect to finding a financial plan which you can both agree on?

Edited to say:

I will hold my advice about saving money vs bill paying till I have more information. Before commenting, I'd like to know what type of bills you've got and how much interest you are paying. If it's a mortgage, do you have a re-draw facility? I'd also like to know how urgent the bills are and your reasoning for saving instead of paying off debt.




Edited 12/5/2006 1:50 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:23pm
Is this a savings for you in case your marriage goes bad? If so, is there reason to believe that might happen? What will happen if you tell him you're saving some of it, World War III, never-ending anger, fear of physical danger? Will he want to spend the money on bills or just blow it? Do you have a savings account and if so, is there a substantial amount in it?

Saving money is a wise thing to do; it's not like you can't draw the saved $600 out and use it for those or other bills if it becomes necessary. I assume you've had this conversation often enough to know that he won't be agreeable to saving part of it? Are these bills in arrears? Have you had this argument in the past and always come out unsuccessful in saving part of it? Lots of questions, I know, sorry!

The bottom line is this is your bonus and is money you didn't count on. First I'd say that you would be well within your rights to tell him the amount of the bonus and that as it is your bonus this is what you've decided to do with it. I think it would be wrong to lie about the amount of your bonus. If you feel you need to go that way, I think it would be better to tell him your bonus is enough to do the things you mentioned, do them and save the rest. Someday he may be very grateful that you've put money away. But, I would say it would be best if you could tell him the truth about it, assuming that this would be a safe thing for you to do.

I think you're going to get a lot of different thoughts and opinions on this, my thoughts might change some based on your answers too as general, black and white answers rarely fit specific situations. I look forward to your response.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:59am

I would only consider keeping it a secret in a few circumstances, 1) if you are planning to leave him and 2) if he is abusive and telling him will start an argument that could lead to abuse.


The better option if those do not apply is to tell him, but stand firm on what you intend to do with the money.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:46pm

Well in my case, the day I actually told my husband my bonus was $4000 instead of $10,000 and diverted the difference to a new bank account in my name was very liberating.
Going to the car dealer and buying a vehicle after walking everywhere for 2 years was also liberating.

taking the rest of the money and moving out on my own? priceless.

Of course my husband had turend into an abusive alcohilic after 3 years of not working and the emancipation was long overdue.

just my experience....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:36pm

Do you have your own savings account, separate from your dh's? I think that everyone should, male and female.

This is your money, not family income, IMO. If your dh had unexpected money or a bonus come to him, would he share the spending of it with you? Would he go and buy what he wanted? Let what he has done or would do as the standard.

I don't tell my dh about all the money I get. I don't necessarily hide it from him. He has internet access to look at my bank accounts any time he wants. And vice versa.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:01am
Lol, Sallycita ~


I am a huge proponent of having enough money tucked away to afford you first and last months rent, deposit and enough left over for at least a month's worth of utilities, food and other essentials -- or the closest you can come to having all of those -- if you're in a less-than desirable situation.


In your situation I'd say you were exactly right to withhold your check. But if I'd been you, the bonus I shared would have been $40, not $4,000.


Good for you, and I'm glad you got out! Life's plenty sweet on the outside, isn't it?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:42pm

Yes life is sweet on the outside. My sister and I both divorced last year from tough emotionally abusive situations.
We say we are the strong ones, the brave ones, who are able to change their life and go for a second chance at happiness.

My bf of 6 months mentioned my "homeless mentality" the other day.... lightly...sometimes I say I used to have this or that - I left it all behind when I fled.

of course, I was homeless in a $100 a night hotel while I saved the first months rent and security deposit.

I cannot urge people enough to have access to the money they make.

my husband controlled all the money...for 15 years..

yes freedom is wonderful, life is great and I liberated myself.

And having some of your own money even within a relationship is important

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:27am
Congratulations on getting out. In my previous marriage (verbal and emotional abuse) when I left I had two kids - 8 and 4, had been a SAHM for eight years and had no job in sight. I had no money and my ex soon quit his job to work under the table to avoid paying child support. There were some incredibly tough times, but at no time did I regret my decision, at no time was wrestling with poverty worse or harder than living with my ex. In comparison, it was a piece of cake, and I was always happy and at peace.


Money, and the ability to be self-supporting are very important indeed. It can be done without either, but it's sure a lot easier if you've got the means.


I lost a lot too, but like you and your sister (and every other abuse victim who's gotten out), I've gained a lot more.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"