Arguing about expanding the family-long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2002
Arguing about expanding the family-long
9
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:33pm

Ok this is a long vent/problem that I've been holding on to about a month but I don't know where else to turn so here goes...

My husband and I have been married 5.5 years and have always disagreed on how many children we want, when we want them and how much money we need before we have them. Currently we have a 4 year old daughter who I got pregnant with accidentally while natural family planning. We are also of different faiths. I am Catholic and believe that when the going gets tough step aside and let God take over and my husband is protestant and believes that God helps those that help themselves. He calls my values "stumbling through life".

Anyway when I got pregnant last time we were following my beliefs and my husband immediately put the brakes on my way of family planning and I went on the pill despite my true feelings about it. I also used to want a large family spaced somewhat close together but did give that all up because I just wanted my husband and daughter to be happy and actually found my own happiness in enjoying every second with my daughter and husband. He also argued that we needed a lot more income before we could support two children and he was right to a point. Anyway we agreed that we would wait until our daughter was in Kindergarten or until we got a financial break to have another. I was completely on board with that and everyone was happy, until now.

My husband just got a substantial raise that would completely cover daycare, diapers, formula for a second child. (We both work full-time.) The catch is it would keep us living the way we have been living if we were to have a second child right now. Right now we do not struggle, we even save some every month and never dig into our savings. My husband would like to save more, eat out more, and go to more sporting events. I would like to have another child ASAP so that they don't end up more than 5 years apart and wait for our next financial break to enjoy the other things.

I'm not even asking my husband if we can have a baby right now, I have only asked if we can stop using birth control and go back to Natural Family Planning so that we can enjoy each other again. (We are using condoms) He is afraid that I'm taking every thing he has worked hard for and ripping it out from under him. I am scared that he will keep finding excuses and am starting to wonder why I gave in to doing things his way the last 4 years. My way we would use NFP, his way we would start trying in about 6 months. He says "It's only 6 months." I say "It's only 6 months." (plus I don't believe he'll be ready because he said he'd be ready when we were making more money) As of right now I won't touch him with a condom, he won't touch me without.

Why is it that in order for one of us to be happy, the other has to be unhappy? After 4 years I'm ready for a pendulum swing. Any advice/opinions welcome.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:39pm
When you're talking about having children, if you're at odds about whether to have them or not, the one who votes "no" always wins. This is one of those issues that there is not compromise, there's a winner and a loser, and the winning vote always has to be the "no" vote. Children need and deserve two parents who fully want them and are ready to be a parent to them. No child should be born unwanted or come to feel they're a burden or kept a parent from being able to do what they really wanted. I'm sure you'd argue that if the child was born your husband would be a wonderful, loving and appropriate parent and that may well be the case. However, he's been very clear in stating that he does not want another child at this time and has laid out some specific desires of living his life before having a child. In what he's mentioned as wanting before trying for a baby, he's being very clear in saying that he wants to "live a little" before being tied down even more. I think you'd be wise to listen to his desires, adding another child now could well cause resentment of you, the child and a life that he doesn't want -- as well as a life he wanted a taste of that was taken from him. Those are pretty high stakes, especially considering he's agreed to try in six months. It sounds like he's being very fair and compromising in agreeing to try in six months. But I wonder, why do you suspect his six months will turn into longer? Has this happened in the past? Did the two of you know you had these differences in what you wanted in a family before you married?


I'll be checking back for your answers ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2002
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:48pm
Yes he has said things and then backed down on them. He said he'd be ready when we had more money and we have more money. We did agree on 2 kids to start out with and then we'll see. The spacing wasn't discussed beforehand it was always we'll see what the money is like, but I feel there will never be enough money and everyone tells me there will never be enough money. I am starting to come to terms with the 6 month wait. I am just starting to resent him because I always seem to be giving in to his wants on this issue.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 11:18pm
What it sounds like to me (and I know I'm making assumptions that could be wrong) is that in discussing desires for children before marriage, you knew you wanted more than two, but accepted his "two" and hoping "wait and see for more" would come to pass. From his side, it sounds like he knew you wanted more but slid with "wait and see" really knowing he was pretty hesitant about more - perhaps even hesitant about two to begin with. In other words, it sounds like you both went into this knowing what you really wanted and knowing what the other really wanted, but not speaking about it directly, rather kind of avoiding it, hoping it would turn out okay in the end.


I think there are other pretty important issues and difference between you that either weren't discussed or weren't settled before marriage too, birth control for instance. Surely birth control was discussed and you both knew how you felt about the issue?


Have you discussed honestly with him about your concerns that he will renege on his six-month start date and why you have these concerns? Have you considered seeing a couples counselor to deal with these important issues and differences between you? What happens after baby #2 when you want more and he's back to avoiding and hedging?


I understand your frustration on feeling like you're always giving in to his wants in this, but again, where babies are concerned, two people need to be in agreement and a no vote always wins. I'm really not trying to be harsh here, but if you wanted lots of kids, you should have married a guy who openly wanted the same.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:42am
It sounds like the two of you really should consider some marriage counseling. Besides all the disagreements, if you're no longer having sex at all, then that can cause some resentments as well. If you're using the pill and he's insisting on using condoms, then he sounds very serious about not wanting a baby at this moment. He does have that right to protect himself from a potential pregnancy. That sounds like he doesn't trust that you would continue to take the pill properly. Condoms are all a man has to protect himself, so it sounds like a trust issue. You of course do have the right to withhold sex if he doesn't give in to your demands, but over time the disagreement is going to result in more and more problems and you shouldn't be too surprised if the marriage fails in time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:56am

I agree.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2002
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:52pm
I agree that we need to go to counseling, I have been asking to go for awhile now, but he won't put out the money for it. We went when I was pregnant last time but he only went to two sessions. He only went because I threatened to leave him. I definitely won't stoop to that level again. I do love him and he is a wonderful father. The issues are deep and he doesn't want to talk about them. I do believe that we can work it out. How do I let him know I'm serious about counseling? I've probably brought it up a dozen times.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:11pm

You have 3 choices in any situation:

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2002
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:59pm
I choose to accept it----and withhold sex. lol Just kidding. We are working it out. Thanks for the unbiased advice. My friends are horrible-poke holes in the condoms, seek revenge, threaten to leave etc. etc. I am focusing my energies elsewhere to get my mind off of it.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:26am
Salrahe, I would think he knows you're pretty serious about counseling considering you threatened to leave before if he didn't go. I would hope saying something like, "I'm seriously concerned about us and our future, I want our marriage to be happy and successful. I'm going to marriage counseling because I think it's very important to our relationship and I hope you'll come with me." If he goes with you, great, if not, go on your own, there's a lot you can do there without him too. I know you know this, but making threats you aren't ready and willing to carry out isn't the way to go.


Best of luck ~ Salrahe. I hope you can resolve this. Oh, and stay away from poking holes in condoms too! I'm glad you're smart enough to stay away from the tactics your friends suggest ~ yikes!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"