Arguing about expanding the family-long
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| Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:33pm |
Ok this is a long vent/problem that I've been holding on to about a month but I don't know where else to turn so here goes...
My husband and I have been married 5.5 years and have always disagreed on how many children we want, when we want them and how much money we need before we have them. Currently we have a 4 year old daughter who I got pregnant with accidentally while natural family planning. We are also of different faiths. I am Catholic and believe that when the going gets tough step aside and let God take over and my husband is protestant and believes that God helps those that help themselves. He calls my values "stumbling through life".
Anyway when I got pregnant last time we were following my beliefs and my husband immediately put the brakes on my way of family planning and I went on the pill despite my true feelings about it. I also used to want a large family spaced somewhat close together but did give that all up because I just wanted my husband and daughter to be happy and actually found my own happiness in enjoying every second with my daughter and husband. He also argued that we needed a lot more income before we could support two children and he was right to a point. Anyway we agreed that we would wait until our daughter was in Kindergarten or until we got a financial break to have another. I was completely on board with that and everyone was happy, until now.
My husband just got a substantial raise that would completely cover daycare, diapers, formula for a second child. (We both work full-time.) The catch is it would keep us living the way we have been living if we were to have a second child right now. Right now we do not struggle, we even save some every month and never dig into our savings. My husband would like to save more, eat out more, and go to more sporting events. I would like to have another child ASAP so that they don't end up more than 5 years apart and wait for our next financial break to enjoy the other things.
I'm not even asking my husband if we can have a baby right now, I have only asked if we can stop using birth control and go back to Natural Family Planning so that we can enjoy each other again. (We are using condoms) He is afraid that I'm taking every thing he has worked hard for and ripping it out from under him. I am scared that he will keep finding excuses and am starting to wonder why I gave in to doing things his way the last 4 years. My way we would use NFP, his way we would start trying in about 6 months. He says "It's only 6 months." I say "It's only 6 months." (plus I don't believe he'll be ready because he said he'd be ready when we were making more money) As of right now I won't touch him with a condom, he won't touch me without.
Why is it that in order for one of us to be happy, the other has to be unhappy? After 4 years I'm ready for a pendulum swing. Any advice/opinions welcome.


I'll be checking back for your answers ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I think there are other pretty important issues and difference between you that either weren't discussed or weren't settled before marriage too, birth control for instance. Surely birth control was discussed and you both knew how you felt about the issue?
Have you discussed honestly with him about your concerns that he will renege on his six-month start date and why you have these concerns? Have you considered seeing a couples counselor to deal with these important issues and differences between you? What happens after baby #2 when you want more and he's back to avoiding and hedging?
I understand your frustration on feeling like you're always giving in to his wants in this, but again, where babies are concerned, two people need to be in agreement and a no vote always wins. I'm really not trying to be harsh here, but if you wanted lots of kids, you should have married a guy who openly wanted the same.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
You have 3 choices in any situation:
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
Best of luck ~ Salrahe. I hope you can resolve this. Oh, and stay away from poking holes in condoms too! I'm glad you're smart enough to stay away from the tactics your friends suggest ~ yikes!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"