sleep overs? get real!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:42am |
quick background on me... XH tony cheated while i was pregnant and got other woman pg. she ran when he asked for DNA test, so who knows her story. we divorced and i have primary custody of DS zack. then i got together with old (highschool sweetheart?) flame mike. we've been living together a year and a half. we just got married in august and are now expecting a child in mid may. yay!
these are two different guys with two different M.O.s and totally different situations. but i can't help my damn hormones making me so emotional and i think, irrational. i'm also bipolar and have to take RX to help that, so that's another twist.
when tony cheated, we had been married a few months. i think he started 6 months into my pregnancy, but i could be way off. anyway, his behavior was out of his norm. he started going out and staying out all night ("too far to drive") and some other odd behavior like shoplifting. and the red flag stuff too, like being extra clean or shaven when he went out but like a bum around me.
my husband and i have a great relationship. aside from stupid stuff like when is he gonna take out the trash, we only fight about one thing. he goes to his friends house about an hour away almost every weekend and spends the night. he's 30 yrs old!! too old for sleepovers! he and his friends will all hang out, play poker or other card games, video games, or something else and then the next day go out for breakfast and then hang most of the day. he's done this before we were together, while we were dating, and he is still doing it now. we've fought like cats and dogs on this and always hit a brick wall. neither of us will budge. so i finally got over it and said "c'est la vie, this is who i married" and started to enjoy my time alone on weekends.
(he has no relationship with his family, his parents are both dead and brothers all over the country so his friends are and always have been his family. it's been like this since we met 13 years ago, nothings changed. and i know all the friends too, have since 13 yrs too. we all used to hang out, i just grew up and out of their pot smoking ways. mike however does NOT smoke. and mike has been thru alot with them too--hospitalizations, death of parents, etc--and leans on them for his support group. that's fine. i get that.
i think it's inappropriate for a grown married man to spend the night at a friends house, at least on that frequency. but he fights me tooth and nail on it to the point where we both think we're gonna go crazy. he thinks i'm trying to be the ball and chain and hold him down but i'm not. i don't think it's appropriate and it also brings up these damn old emotions from what tony did. i tell him that and he seems to not care. he hates tony for what he did and swears he would never do anything like that and i believe him. i really do, i've known him so long. but these emotions are eating me up and he has no idea how badly.
this past weekend was so bad i cried all weekend and i still cried today! i don't know why i don't want him to stay out, like i can't come up with any solid reason other than it breaks my heart and goes against my beliefs. he comes up with every logical sounding reason in the book and i can't get him to understand. this is the only thing we fight about and it goes way deeper than i can express to him in words. now i'm pregnant again and i'm feeling worse than ever. in my head i keep confusing him with tony and that's messing me up!
thanks for listening... i just want to get over this.

Welcome back,
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Curfews-what time is too late?
Mountainmama posted some good questions, I'm also wondering what's going to happen when your baby's born, does he still plan to go out with his buddies every weekend? I'm also wondering how old Mike is and if he's been married or in a committed relationship before.
I don't know that I think there's something going on. I do notice from your previous posts that this was an issue before you got married, then it was (supposedly) because his friends were closer in distance than you. I guess now you know that wasn't really the reason, huh? It sounds like you had every reason to expect that when you moved closer his running off to visit his buddies all the time would slow down considerably.
Loftyerd, I understand being close to your friends, and being especially close because you have lost or are long distance from your family, but the thing is, people don't visit with their families every weekend either, and they don't feel compelled to be with them that frequently. I'm wondering if this is more about Mike being immature and/or Mike wanting to hang onto his bachelor days. Does he think this is how married men act? Does he really think adult married guys spend every weekend hanging out with and sleeping over with their friends? Was there ever a time while you've been with him that he didn't do this? I don't mean an odd weekend her or there, I mean was there a block of time -- weeks or months -- that he didn't spend his weekend with his friends?
I can understand this bringing up a lot of anxiety for you due to your past experience, but beyond that, you married him to be with him, not to be alone every weekend while he goes off to play.
Let us know the answers to the questions we've asked, and we'll be better able to give you some thoughts and suggestions.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"