how do i stop??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
how do i stop??
3
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:00pm
hopefully someone can help me and give me some advise on my problem..well here is goes... i have been with my high school love off and on for almost 11 years. we seperated for 2 years and i had a child from someone else. my man is fine with that now and he is like a father to my son and he does so much for me and tries to make me so happy. i am not happy all the time because he has done things to me in the past that i just can not forget about and think he is going to do again. 5 years ago he left me for a women 8 years older then him that was married, had 3 kids and worked with, just last month a friend told me that they heard he was hanging out with some girl 4 years younger then him at his new job. i confronted him and he said it was just as friends but the more i asked about it the more he admitted to. he says nothing happened and he was trying to be nice even though he thought she was starting to like him. i keep thinking what would have happened if i wouldnt have found out.now no longer works there he quit pretty much so i didnt have to worry and for other reasons. now he has a new job and all i think about is if he is going to talk to girls at his new job and maybe cheat on me or leave me again.. please help me how do i get these thoughts out of my head? if i dont stop thinking this crazy stuff i am afraid it is going to ruin our relationship..i am overreacting or do i have a reason to worry and he needs to understand that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jms544
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:02am
Welcome to the board, Jms544 ~ I don't think you'll be able to get your concerns out of your head because I think they're very real and valid concerns.


Your boyfriend has a history of cheating. He struck up a *friendship* with a new girl and kept it from you. Apparently, it also turns out to be more than an innocent, simple friendship. The fact that he's likely no longer in contact with her is no comfort to you because you're well aware that it's most likely that he'll find another *friend* and start up again.


Questions for you, Jms ~ what was his reaction to the discussion about this new girl? Was he incredibly sorry and full of regret? Was he ashamed and upset with himself?

Knowing what his reaction was will help know what to suggest. I'll be checking back for your answers.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: jms544
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:52pm
thanks for responding. at first he came out and said the girls name which i didnt even know. he told me what was going on and how she would sit with him at lunch and they would just talk about things. she knew about me and his stepson and showed her the pics of us. but yet she continued to want to sit with him and talk. at first he seemed shocked that i found out which i confronted him over the phone, once i arrived home and we started to talk about it he could barely look at me but he swore that nothing happened. i could tell he was sorry by the way he was acting. later that night he took a shower and i walked by him in the hallway, he grabbed me looked me in the eyes, i started to cry he wrapped his arms around me and i said i am sorry let me go i cant do this right now. he didnt let go and he got tears in his eyes and said no i am sorry i know i f*cked up. the next day he asked me to go with him to quit so i did. after that i still thought about it and asked him more questions as i thought of them and he just answered them not getting mad. now that it has been a month he gets a little annoyed if i ask questions. which i understand ya know...but the problem is......now at his new job i know there are girls working there. all i think about it what if he starts to talk to another girl...i know i have a right to worry but how far do i take it? do i learn to trust him and take his word for it or no? even now i feel horrible asking him if any girls talk to him at work but he has not gotten mad yet infact he told me that one girl said to him that he looks like her brother but that is it. he has always been straight forward and honest with me even though he knew if something would hurt me. this past job is the only thing he has really kept from me. i dont know please respond and help me out...thanks alot
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jms544
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:46am
Well here's what happened, he might have always been straight with you, but on this very important issue he was not, and the fact that he chose to keep this one to himself suggests he was considering taking it further. The fact that he couldn't look you in the eye is another. Add that to the fact that he's cheated before and it is most certainly something to be concerned about.


You said that he was really sorry. That's good, but can he tell you what caused him to go down that path, and how he knows he won't go down that path again? Can he tell you what roadblocks he's set up for himself to keep himself from ending up there again? Being sorry doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen again. It's easy to be sorry, not so easy to stop yourself from doing something you know you shouldn't but you really want to anyway.


You ask if you should trust him. Trust isn't something you can just hand out, trust is something that's earned. In his case, he's proven that he's not trustworthy, if he wants your trust he'll have to regain it. Trust is regained when you have enough examples of him being trustworthy that you trust him again; it's something that just comes, it's not something you can decide to give, force or hurry. Trust comes when your inner protection system says he's okay to trust. How does he gain trust? By making his life an open book to you. By telling you where he's going to be, what he's going to be doing, by giving you access to his email and phone passwords, his cellphone bill, etc. If he finds himself in a situation where he'll be with another girl unexpectedly (say a business lunch or something) he should tell you as soon as he can afterward - even if he thinks no one knows he was there. Even if it was innocent, if he keeps it from you and you find out he was there all trust that's been build will be destroyed. Does this make sense to you? You might understand him getting annoyed when you ask questions, but answering honestly and accepting your questions is appropriate in taking responsibility for his actions. Your continued questions indicate you're not over this yet -- and you shouldn't be, it's very early for that.

The problem isn't girls at his new work, JMS, thing is, no matter where he goes, there will always be girls, whether working or just around in life. He'll be coming into contact with them always.

Breach of trust is a difficult issue to overcome. It can cause damage that you carry with you for the rest of your life if you don't deal with it and resolve it. I would really urge the two of you to see a counselor or therapist licensed in a field of couples counseling to deal with this issue.


I'm also posting links to some very helpful articles on dealing with infidelity. You may argue that he didn't actually cheat with her, but I'd disagree. He may not have had a physical affair, but he was certainly heading that direction and whether he physically cheated or not, he most certainly betrayed you and your relationship and it's every bit as damaging.


Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"