motivating BF to get started studying

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
motivating BF to get started studying
1
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:58pm

I need some suggestions on how to get my boyfriend to begin studying for his upcoming law exam. He's failed prior to this attempt and is feeling low and helpless and defeated about how he will do this time around. I am worried because I see him procrastinating on studying or doing what he needs to do do pass.

I see some of this as self sabotage and I don't know if there is anything I can do to help him. I can't support his diversions (too much TV, too much Internet, too much socializing - considering what he should be doing), because it's counter productive. At some point he has to sit down and study.

I feel badly about getting in his face because I'm not his mother and he's a grown man who needs to face facts that if he wants a career he has to get real. But I also feel as his girlfriend I should be doing something. I remind him to get his books out. Or I ask him, 'have you begun studying yet?' I'm really at a loss at seeing this person I love very much do much to ruin his own sucess by ignoring what he has to do. HELP PLEASE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:17am
Welcome to the board, Chicago_grrrl ~ Your right in thinking that he's a grown man and you're not his mother, and I completely understand your frustration in seeing him sabotage himself. But, you're right, it's not your place to be his enforcer ~ you're not responsible for him, he is, and putting yourself in that role is not only inappropriate, but it also sets you up to be responsible for him in the future (once that dynamic is put in place it's harder to take away), it could also ultimately cause resentment if he felt controlled or pushed by you and potentially end your relationship.


In your situation I would have a talk with him and gently tell him what I see and what my concerns are. I don't know what kind of guy he is, whether he'd take it in, accept it and listen or whether he'd get upset and deny it, but even if he's the "upset" type he'll still go away thinking about what you said. I know this kind of approach works for my husband. Even though he's very accepting about observations and concerns I've had, sometimes it takes him a day or two to think about them, but always it makes a positive difference. In your case, having told him what you see, he can't pretend he's not avoiding studying, he can't pretend he's not doing other things when he should be staying on task; having called attention to his behavior, he'll be accountable to himself. If, after you talk he asks you to help him stay on task, I think that would be different, I think in that circumstance, reminding him (or whatever he asks you to do) would be appropriate - within boundaries, of course.

Best of luck!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"