Am I just being naive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Am I just being naive?
8
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:28pm
I have always had issues of trust with my husband even though I've never actually caught him doing anything with other women. Recently I found a phone number that belongs to an excort service. I confronted him and he SWEARS that he never actually spoke to this person and that he has NEVER cheated on me. I am feeling extremely depressed and don't know what I should do. I'm hoping that your feedback will offer some advice for someone who doesn't want to get divorced. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:24pm
What was his explanation for why he had the number in the first place?
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:50pm
His answer was that he didn't know why he called and that it was a stupid thing to do. Duh.....not really much of an answer. I threatened him that if anything like this ever happened again that I would leave him....which I don't want to do. It's hard not to think about whether he's being faithful or not and I feel like I'm always questioning where he goes and who he's with. It's making me miserable and I don't know how to get over this insecurity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 1:59pm

What will be really important is for you to separate what issues are arising from your own insecurity and what is arising because of his behavior.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:20pm
I understand completely what you are saying, and I agree. I am fearful that my obsession with him being unfaithful will lead him down that path. My husband and I have been together almost 10 years and married 5. While we were dating his ex-girlfriend use to call all the time (our house) and there was a time that he came home from being out of town with another woman's name and number in his pocket. His explanation for that was that she was moving to Miami and she just wanted him to maybe introduce her to some people since she was going to be new to the city. Is it just me? Am I being overly sensitive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:40pm
It's really hard to tell if you're being overly sensitive or not.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:12am
Whoops! I missed you way down here, Miamifishgal ~ ! (I've put in a request to have your post moved up to the "Relationship Problem" section of the board, where it will get more attention and more feedback)


Offhand, I wouldn't say you're being overly sensitive at all. You have one instance of him allowing continued inappropriate contact and two instances of finding extremely suspicious evidence with extremely lame and implausible explanations. The fact that the explanations you get are so lame and nonsensical all but tells you something's going on, otherwise, why wouldn't he be honest and give a real answer? I think the fact you know he's not been honest with you, not years ago and again not recently suggests to you that there's more he's being dishonest about.


Personally, I would be insulted at being expected to accept such rubbish for answers. I think until he gets really honest and explains the whole situation from beginning to end -- the real version, along with the past name and phone number and you deal with that you won't be able to get beyond it. Have you considered couples counseling? I think it would be very helpful.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 8:17am

My husband seems to have great difficulty in being honest with me, not just about relationship issues but things in general. He has said in the past that he's afraid of telling me things because he doesn't want me to get mad and that he fears I will leave him. Before we got married we were separated for several months because I felt that there was too much dishonesty in the relationship. It doesn't seem like things have changed much. In my heart of hearts, I know that he loves me. It's hard for me to gain trust though. We did see a counselor a couple of times but we both kind of felt that we could talk and work things out on our own. I'm starting to think that's not going to be possible.

I would like to say that I am extremely grateful for everyone's responses. This has been my first visit to iVillage but definitely not my last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:21am
Why is he afraid you'll leave? Over an incident that happened over five years ago? Have other issues arisen that gives him reason to think you'll leave? It seems that your husband has some issues of his own, and while it appears that you're the reason for his issues, I'm betting that's not the case; you're just the way his issues show themselves. The fact that they've been a part of his life and affecting his life (and yours) in a negative way for over five years, perhaps as many as ten, would pretty clearly indicate that is an issue that requires a licensed therapist to work with.


Issues or no issues, the incidents you described still happened and you still didn't get a realistic or plausible answer. While he may have issues and truth telling difficulties, that doesn't make your suspicions any less valid or warranted. He still had contact and if these contacts were innocent he has nothing to fear. He's only in danger of you leaving if those contacts were inappropriate. I don't know an appropriate reason for contacting an escort service.


Being with a man you can't believe and don't trust is not a healthy relationship. A relationship that involves distrust and suspicion can't grow.


I hope you're looking toward counseling with a therapist/counselor who is licensed in a field of couples counseling. I don't think this is something you're going to resolve by yourselves.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"