Am I just being naive?
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Am I just being naive?
| Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:28pm |
I have always had issues of trust with my husband even though I've never actually caught him doing anything with other women. Recently I found a phone number that belongs to an excort service. I confronted him and he SWEARS that he never actually spoke to this person and that he has NEVER cheated on me. I am feeling extremely depressed and don't know what I should do. I'm hoping that your feedback will offer some advice for someone who doesn't want to get divorced. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again.

What will be really important is for you to separate what issues are arising from your own insecurity and what is arising because of his behavior.
Offhand, I wouldn't say you're being overly sensitive at all. You have one instance of him allowing continued inappropriate contact and two instances of finding extremely suspicious evidence with extremely lame and implausible explanations. The fact that the explanations you get are so lame and nonsensical all but tells you something's going on, otherwise, why wouldn't he be honest and give a real answer? I think the fact you know he's not been honest with you, not years ago and again not recently suggests to you that there's more he's being dishonest about.
Personally, I would be insulted at being expected to accept such rubbish for answers. I think until he gets really honest and explains the whole situation from beginning to end -- the real version, along with the past name and phone number and you deal with that you won't be able to get beyond it. Have you considered couples counseling? I think it would be very helpful.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My husband seems to have great difficulty in being honest with me, not just about relationship issues but things in general. He has said in the past that he's afraid of telling me things because he doesn't want me to get mad and that he fears I will leave him. Before we got married we were separated for several months because I felt that there was too much dishonesty in the relationship. It doesn't seem like things have changed much. In my heart of hearts, I know that he loves me. It's hard for me to gain trust though. We did see a counselor a couple of times but we both kind of felt that we could talk and work things out on our own. I'm starting to think that's not going to be possible.
I would like to say that I am extremely grateful for everyone's responses. This has been my first visit to iVillage but definitely not my last.
Issues or no issues, the incidents you described still happened and you still didn't get a realistic or plausible answer. While he may have issues and truth telling difficulties, that doesn't make your suspicions any less valid or warranted. He still had contact and if these contacts were innocent he has nothing to fear. He's only in danger of you leaving if those contacts were inappropriate. I don't know an appropriate reason for contacting an escort service.
Being with a man you can't believe and don't trust is not a healthy relationship. A relationship that involves distrust and suspicion can't grow.
I hope you're looking toward counseling with a therapist/counselor who is licensed in a field of couples counseling. I don't think this is something you're going to resolve by yourselves.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"