I think I'm done , but how do I get out?
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| Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:06pm |
I'v posted here before, on Oct 2. if there is any way to see that old post. It was about the same old issues with my husband of 3 years. CHILDREN!!!
When I last posted I was 5 months pregnant and very hormonal and angry because I was having a difficult pregnancy and very scared because of having 3 miscarriages and feeling that my husband was only interested in the well being of the baby and didnt' care a whip about me except for being the uterus that his baby was housed in.
Well guess what? I lost that baby too. I lost her on Nov 2. My water broke at 6 months and I gave birth to her. She was too young to live and much to premature to be saved. This broke my heart and hurt me more than anything in the world ever has. I lost my father 10 years earlier and I'm sorry dad but losing my baby hurt me even more than losing you!
My marriage is now in shreds. For 2 weeks we were both devastated over the loss of our daughter, whom we named and had cremated, but then my stupid husband started up again about the KID ISSUE!!! He doesn't want me getting pregnant again because it's too hard on my body and my mind, (gee thanks for noticing honey!) but he really wants to adopt. I agreed to look into adoption, and so far I\'m not interested. We've gone to 2 meetings, 1 class, and I'v read more books than he has on adoption in the last year, and I'v also learned that 50% of couples who look into adoption decide it is not for them, so there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!! But he gets very upset whenever I tell him that I don't think that I want to go through the rollercoaster process of adoption. He gets very depressed, and starts talking about what little we have in common, and how he's made so many mistakes in life that he can't take back. I'm believing that by "mistakes" he means marrying ME, although he wont' admit that when I ask, he just gets silent.
Well you knnow what? I'm sick of this! I'm heartbroken over losing my baby, and heartbroken that I can't carry a pregnancy and would be open to adopting an OLDER CHILD if I was in a more stable marriage. But I feel that he cannot be happy if he's not a father, and I can't live with him being so unhappy (and blaming me) for the rest of my life. I'm heartbroken that this marriage is over, because I do love him very much and care about his well being, but I can't do this anymore and I want out!
We just bought a house together and I don't know how to go about divorcing or splitting up assets, what does this all mean? I'm also just deep down hoping that he will change his mind, to be honest, I'm hoping that if I leave him, he will decide that I am more important than children, although I guess it's doubtful that it will happen that way, but I can still hope can't I? Sorry this is so long. But what steps do I take to get out and be happy again?

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Educate yourself everything about divorce, e.g dividing assets, financial support etc., by going thru library, internet and local legal services. Consult a lawyer first is also a good idea. Sometimes, couples will re-think their separation during the painful legal process.
It sounds to me you still love him. But if you don't think he loves you anymore, then leave now (while you're still young). Staying in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage would only hurt you. I personally think that both husband and wife should make a marriage work, not just one's effort. He should care about the marriage just as much as you do. So, talk to him.
Welcome back Birdee33 ~
Your October post can be found here:
how to be happy in my marriage?
And the posts to your (presumably) previous relationship can be found here:
Whose in the right here, me or him?
I asked him to move out next month af...
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Birdee, I'm so sorry for your loss.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Please, please get the two of you to a grief counselor, this is a very big issue you're going through, each personally as well as as a couple. Check into The Compassionate Friends as well. This is an organization for parents who have lost a child. There are groups everywhere; here's a link to where you can search for a group in your area:
The Compassionate Friends Chapter Locations
This organization is everywhere and are very helpful, supportive and healing for parents dealing with a loss. They were a very important resource for my friend and her husband when she lost her baby at eight months gestation. If there is no chapter in your area, call your local hospital or mortuary to see what support groups are in your area. If you don't come up with anything, let me know and I may be able to come up with some resources for you.
Couples counseling I think is very important for you too, especially having dealt with this loss and wrestling with what to do next, how to deal with each other, what each of you wants; when this all settles, you may find you're wants aren't as different as it appears now, but you have to get through the part you're in now to find that. Taking steps now would be a mistake. You can always decide to end it, but once it's ended, it's hard to go back. Give yourself and him time to heal. And get the resources you need to help the healing happen in as healthy a way as possible.
Huge hugs, Birdee, I'm so sorry you're going through this.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You only lost your baby five weeks ago. Your world has turned upside down. I hope you let it settle before you make any decisions or changes.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I know I'm breaking my promise to leave you alone after posting last night, but this morning I realized I should have offered a few other boards you may not be aware of that may be very helpful to you right now.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Birdee33, my heart goes out to you. Thirty years ago, I was where you are now, and thinking about my beautiful Alexia can still make me cry. Please, please, let yourself grieve, and reach out to your husband. He is grieving, too, and trying to fill that aching empty place in his heart. The two of you are not really thinking right now--you are just feeling the pain of your recent bereavement.
When Alexia died, it took me about ten weeks to start feeling "back to normal," and many months before I actually WAS anything like normal. I was angry with my husband, horribly guilty for having been a bad mother and let my daughter die, insecure because I wasn't a "normal woman" who could carry a pregnancy to term. I felt that I must have sinned, because God had turned against me, and I tried endlessly to make sense of an event in which sense had no part. My friends (bless you, Sue and Joyce) listened to me tell the story over and over again, sat with me when I wept, and comforted me in my despair.
Birdee, it takes time. Please don't try to make any decisions now. Your body is still returning to normal after the stress of pregnancy, and you don't have the happiness of your little daughter to help you over the hard parts of recovery. You are also trying to heal from one of the worst blows a person and a couple can endure. If you had an equivalent physical wound, you would know very clearly that this is not the right time to put yourself through more life-altering changes.
Please keep posting, and let us help and support you. You are in my thoughts.
It's extremely difficult to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't be so quick to throw that away, fight for it. It's worth it because you still love him. He's being selfish but he needs you more than he realize. Why is it so important for him to be a father? To prove something or to save the marriage?
Get a dog. It's like having a child but you can give away if it gets too much. If you already have a dog, then you two need to find restaurants, bars, parks, and city events that allow dogs. Meet other people with dogs and plan social gatherings. Explore other parts of the city or do more hikes with your dog. You'll have similar joys and heartache in raising a dog as with a child. A child will take up twice as much responsibilities and no guarantees if the kid will love you or recent you for your efforts, where as a dog will always be grateful.
Get some marriage counseling together and plan a real date once a week. Actually dress up, set up a time and pretend it's your first date together.
If you leave, you both might be very sorry. Give it all you got to make it work so that if you do leave, it'll lessen your feelings of failure and abandonment. "For better or worse...in sickness and in health..."
My man and I tried very hard to make it work, 4 years later we part ways. I still love him and he for me but we're too different to be together. We couldn't agree on how to raise our future children. (Nope, we didn't have any kids.) However, we've been each other's best friend for 8 years and broken up for the last 4. He's still my good friend because we didn't give up on each other.
I still have my cat. He watches him when I go on vacations. If we had bought a house with a yard, I would have gotten a dog but I love my cat. He is the greatest joy in my life.
Best of luck.
I'm glad you've found a Compassionate Friends group. They've been where you are and can understand like no one else can. I think you'll find a lot of help and comfort there. Sorry you have to wait until January.
Huge hugs, Birdee. Please feel free to come by anytime you feel you need a little support, or stop by the other two boards I posted for you. We care. Let us know how you're doing, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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