Advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Advice needed
2
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:06pm
I'm new here and I need some good advice. I've been married for les than I year and somedays I don't feel like its worth staying together and other days I really love him and don't want to leave. But more days than not, I feel confused and sad about the whole way my life has turned out. I spend about 60 hours a week working and going to school. Unfurtunatley, there is no way to cut back on that now, eventhough I have considered that in hopes of having a better marriage. Most days I feel as if I am still single when my husband is not home and then when he comes home he goes straight to bed. On the weekends when we are both home, he spends about 12-14 hours sleeping while I clean up after him. I'm not asking him to do laudnry, clean the house, dishes, etc, I'm just asking him to pick up his clothes from the living room or putting his dirty dishes in the kitchen. There are some dishes that when I finally pick up, I have to through away because they are moldy or impossible to clean. I feel like he has it easy compared to what I do. I cook, clean do his laundry for him. All I want him to do is clean up after himself. He says I place too many restrictions on him and only want things done on my schedule, not his. What do you think? Am I too demanding? Most days, I think I would be better off only taking care of myself. Thanks for all your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
In reply to: shlevans
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:01pm
Did I write this at a time when I was incoherent? Perhaps when I lifted the washer and smelled all the mildewy towels that I asked him to put in the dryer 4 days ago??? What are we going to do with these guys? I now live w/my BF for the past 6 months, and I've moved 600 miles away for him and left a job that I love, all my friend and family, and my hometown of all my life. Now I have grad school, a job that I work 50+ hours a week at (salaried!) and two dogs that I feel like I now neglect. He is home when I leave, he is home when I get home at night. I find him on the couch on his computer when I get home, sitting in front of dirty cups and plates from whatever snack he made himself, and I always know what it is because I get to go in the kitchen and put it away. I do all the laundry, I do all the cleaning, all the shopping, and I do whatever yard work manages to get done. He does pay all the bills except groceries/Target. I don't know how to get out of this. I love him, but I never imagined that we'd be living like this. It really makes me want to leave a lot of the time. Also see my post on the "living together" board today. He really got me with a huge mess that I just had to vent about! So I know how you feel...I have no idea what to do about it, but I do know it helps to vent and I'm here to listen! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shlevans
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:14am
To Shlevans:


My question to you is this: You said, "On the weekends when we are both home, he spends about 12-14 hours sleeping while I clean up after him."Why do you allow this? Why do you clean up after him? You also said, "I'm not asking him to do laudnry, clean the house, dishes, etc, I'm just asking him to pick up his clothes from the living room or putting his dirty dishes in the kitchen." Why aren't you asking him to do laundry, clean house, dishes, etc.? This is a partnership, right? You're not his servant, right? You say you've considered cutting back on school and work in hopes of having a better marriage, are you saying you're considering cutting back on school and work so you'll have more time to clean up after him? You said, "I'm just asking him to pick up his clothes from the living room or putting his dirty dishes in the kitchen." Why aren't you expecting him to be an equal partner, responsible for his share of the upkeep of your home? Don't you both contribute financially? He's not supporting you as a homemaker, right? If he were, then your contribution would be upkeep of the home, but you're working and going to school, right? "There are some dishes that when I finally pick up, I have to through away because they are moldy or impossible to clean." So why do you pick them up, attempt to clean them and generally take care of them?

To both of you:

Why would your guys take care of their own stuff when they know if they just ignore it you'll take care of it all? What's their motivation? Answer: There is none. These guys know what you want, what you expect, right? They've heard it before, they are intelligent, able bodied, adults, right? They're not stupid and they're not incapable but they've been conditioned to know that the mess will get taken care of if they ignore it. So what are you going to do? I would suggest that you set a plan and stick to it. As long as you continue to do things for them, they won't. Talk to them about a fair division of the housework and agree on who's responsible for what. Remember that lawn mowing, car maintenance (assuming he does it himself) counts, but a once a week or once a month job does not equal a daily house job. That means you're only responsible for half, no more, and you're both responsible for picking up after yourselves. Make a list of who's responsible for what and post it on the fridge - that ends all excuses of "I didn't agree to that" or "I don't remember that as being my chore", etc. Leave his clothes all over the house, don't pick up one item and don't ask or remind him to do it either. If laundry is on your side of the "to do" list, when laundry time comes you only do what's in the basket. I did the same with my kids when they were little. Finding themselves out of socks, etc., for the week made their memory much better about putting things in their dirty clothes hampers. Your husband will find the same. Yep, if six year olds can learn to be responsible for their laundry, your husband can too. Eventually he'll get tired of wearing dirty, stinky, wrinkled clothing; it may get embarrassing (for him or you) and he may get angry, but it's his responsibility to take care of them, he's an adult. These are consequences for not taking care of your responsibilities. If company comes over, smile sweetly and say that you guess your husband hasn't gotten around to picking up this things yet. It's his embarrassment, not yours. If he's responsible for laundry and hasn't done it, wash only what you need for yourself, do not do anything of his or anything for the house in general. Your clothes and one towel - for your use - is what you should be doing. If it's your responsibility to dust and vacuum, vacuum around his piles on the floor, do not touch them. Dust around his dirty dishes, etc, don't pick them up, pile them up or so much as ask him to take care of them. If it were me, dishes would be his responsibility, at least until the moldy, filthy ones were taken care of and I guarantee you I would not be the one taking care of his mess there. If dishes are his responsibility as they go undone, eventually they'll all be dirty. If you need a plate, a glass, a fork, etc., wash one for yourself, leave the rest. He'll get tired of always having dirty dishes eventually and he'll take care of them. There are a few tricks to this. You have to go into this absolutely dedicated to not doing his work, not reminding him to do it, and not criticizing the job he does do once he does it. Your job here is to remain positive and upbeat, to go forward as though you have every reason to believe that he will do his share as soon as he can. Once a job is given to him, it's his to do, stay out of it entirely. If you end up washing a dish for yourself because everything else is dirty, don't wash one for him, instead say, "I know you'll get these done when you're ready; until then I just needed a plate for dinner so I went ahead and washed it for myself." If you fold and end up doing his stuff, you'll have shot yourself in the foot. He'll know then that no matter what you say, all he has to do is hold out long enough and you'll do it for him. If you want to put an end to this you'll have to be strong and firm. Temporary chaos for a better future. The other option? Hire a maid. But you doing all the work? What kind of partnership is that?

As for him sleeping 12 hours while you are up cleaning up after him, I cannot think of much that's more demeaning or that sends a clearer message to both of you "man does what he wants, woman cleans up after him -- and does everything else as well". These are not scenes you'd want daughters to observe and learn from, they are not messages you'd want a daughter to get. Be the example you should be now so that you are living the life you want a daughter to learn from and to carry on to her own adult life.

What did these guys do before you came along? It's way past time to put a stop to this, ladies, and it's up to you to do it. Make sense?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"