His friend interfering with relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
His friend interfering with relationship
5
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:06am

I have been with my bf for almost two years now and we love each other a lot. We started getting into little fights over nothing when he had to move away 4 months ago. I still see him every weekend but competing with me for his attention is my bf’s friends. I really enjoy their company, and thought we could all hang out together to ‘share’ him. But one of his friends has always been a little difficult to handle. More so lately with our fights this friend has been trying to manipulate us into breaking up, or provoking our fights further. I have tried really hard, for my bf’s sake, to be nice and act civil towards this friend, but as his attitude and derogatory terms continue in a destructive spiral downwards and I am starting to lose patience. I know it’s not fair to make my bf choose between us, but it really feels like his friend will be the end of us, telling me things such as I am just a dumb bitch who only ruins good times and all of them just want me out of their lives forever. I am assured by other friends of my bf that they really like me and just to ignore this one friend and my bf has told him not to speak to me like this, but it never seems to end! What should I do? What can I do? I just want my bf to realize his friend is a jerk and stop being friends with him… is this irrational of me? PLEASE HELP!

-BLUEberrybit

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:46pm

Hi blueberry


Unfortunately, this is a situation over which you have very little control.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:19pm
well, my bf did talk to his friend and told him not to talk to me about things like that and to respect his opinion on who he chooses to date. But his friend is still persistant. I've told my bf this and he says hes really confused as to what to do, which I can understand. On one hand he has a friend who hes known for 5 years who he really enjoys hanging out with and partying, cause loyal friends are hard to find. And then on the other hand he has me, known me for about 3 and a half years, dated for almost two. We are each others first everything and have a serious relationship. So I know its really hard for him to choose, which is why I tried so hard to be civil to his friend. But I mean, is it suppose to come down to him choosing? and then would he resent me? would he see his friend behind my back? would it feel like I was alienating him from his friends? Its a really tough call and I am so confused =(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:05am
You're right that you can't *demand* or expect your boyfriend to do anything, it's totally up to him what he does. I'll have more to say, but I need a little bit of clarity before I go on.....


How do you know what this friend is saying about you? Does he say them to you, do you hear them from friends, from your boyfriend, or what? I assume he's saying these things to your boyfriend, right?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:28pm
nope, the cherry on top is that he says them right to me. And then I will tell my bf and he will tell him to stop, and his friend persists. All my bfs friends tell me just to ignore it because the guy is a general jerk all around who says things that you should just ignore. But its still frusterating. Since my first post I did talk to my bf more and he says that he has a hard time making friends because he isn't very social and he just wants us all to get along. So I don't know what to do.
<3 Blueberry bit
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:20am
I think the issue is that your boyfriend knows the kinds of things this guy says to you and remains friends with him. That tells you where you stand. It's not about how long he's been friends with the guy, it's about the character of the guy and what kind of things he's saying to the girl he cares about. The fact is he accepts it, by accepting it he lets the guy know that it's okay. If it wasn't okay, he'd refuse to be around the guy again. In accepting it he also tells you that this is acceptable treatment for you. Your boyfriend is saying a lot in his "indecision." Honestly, I would be more than offended if my boyfriend was accepting of a friend calling me names. I wouldn't ask him to choose between his friend and me, I would choose for him, I'd leave in a heartbeat and look for a guy who respected me and had higher standards for how people treat people. You're boyfriend accepting his friend's behavior tells you all you need to know. He agrees with it, if he didn't he wouldn't accept it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 12/12/2006 3:40 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"