Need Marriage Advicce

Avatar for aljery
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Need Marriage Advicce
10
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:22pm
This is very importnat to me and I REALLY want advice on this. Me and my Husband have been married for 51/2 years. we have a 5 year old son and a daughter on the way, plus I have two kids from a previous relationship. My Husband has always had a drinking problem on the weekends. I have often wondered why I am here, If I truly mean anything to him. He has been good to us. If I want something he tries to get it for me, but he can also be very moody/snappy. I have drifted away from him because I just felt like I was the least important thing on his mind. He would be drunk all weekend, but we would always go out to eat on Saturdays and then afterwards he would go play poker. I never thought much of it...always thought..who would want a drunk....drunk sex is horribl...I wouldn't even have sex with him. I did feel like our sex like was scheduled though, had to be during the week....Monday's was like clockwork as we didn't have sex over the weekend so we would for sure have it on Mondays...at least 2-3 times a week,but this bothered me because sex is not suppose to be scheduled...not to me anyway. I don't know, it's just weird and hard to explain. Anyway...3-4 weeks ago while my Husband was playing poker..apparently he decided he needed more beer..he actually said his buddy needed it. He went to town and got stopped and put in jail. When he finally got home the next morning I was furious. I wouldn't even let him speak. I told him he didn't need a family and the drinking would stop and blah blah. Well...he hasn't drank since then and is acting more like himself and doing more around the house, working on stuff and such. he is not hanging out with his buddies. All this is good, but I just have this nagging feeling. I feel like I mean nothing to him or he would have never put me on the bottom of his list and that night is so weird because he was caught where he was not suppose to be supposedly buying his buddy some beer. It just has me thinking that there was someone else. I never felt like this until after this night. For one, he was drunk and he knew better to go to town and why go during a poker game to get beer for his buddy??? I got a copy of the police report and it doesn't have anyone's name on it that would have been with him, just his name. I haven't told him I have this. I can not get over this. I feel betrayed and I don't even know if he did anything wrong. I do know there is a full thing of beer in the fridge, he could have gone for himself...it hasn't even been opened. I have checked phone records and nothing shows up. How can I get over this and move on. he is trying now, but is it out of guilt?? I have gotten mad lots of times because of his drinking, but this time he got arrested and may go to jail and I was very harsh when talking to him. How do you know if your relationship is what you think it is? How do you know if you are truly loved or just wasting your time? How do I get my relationship to a good spot where we love and trust each other? I just keep feeling like there was someone else. I don't know why and I don't know how to move on.
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MYSweet BabyCakes Bowtique

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:41pm

Hi aljery,


First and foremost, your husband apparently has a serious drinking problem.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:01am
Welcome to the board, Aljery ~


I think there might be a lot more to your post than meets the eye. Maybe you're like me. I was married to an alcoholic too, while he didn't reserve his drinking for the weekend he was like your husband in that he did his drinking away from home, which meant I spent a lot of nights alone - weekends yes, but week nights too. Having a husband who's out a lot meant being fully aware that he could be fooling around, at least it did for me. For me, since knowing would mean I'd have to leave and I wasn't ready to do that, it was something that I didn't want to know the answer to.

If your husband's out every night all weekend drinking and who knows what else, I think you've had to know that affairs were a possibility too.

What surprises me, like it does Kim is that you seem to be perfectly fine with his alcoholism, but are shaken by the possibility of an affair. It makes me wonder if perhaps now that he's not drinking you feel "safer", that things are more stable and so you're able to let out some fears and emotions that you didn't dare before, because it wasn't safe. What do you think?


Besides abstaining, is he doing something to help himself? AA or some other 12-step program? A treatment program? Let us know ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for aljery
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:49am
Thanks for your comment. My husband didn't stay out every night. It was just Saturday nights for poker night. The guy he played poker with use to live right next door to us. They had started playing poker a few nights before the man moved. They would have played here and even tried it at one time, but I wasn't going to put up with it. Anyway, the man bought him a place a few miles up the road, had been renting and they continued their poker games. My husband only drank on the weekends and I have neve felt the need to not trust him. He always told me where he was and I know where all his buddies live, never afraid of the phone, but the drinking did get on my nerves and that's why it didn't bother me to let him play poker on Saturday because he wasn't here getting on my nerves. He wasn't a bad drunk,but he would talk a lot. As for our marriage during the week, he would come straight home after work, never late. We always eat dinner together, even if one of the kids has ball practice or something, he would wait to eat dinner with me. We always watched tv together and we go to bed together. Sex always been at least 2-3 times a week. Every Saturday we always went out to eat and never a set time for poker, just when he got there. I guess now I am just hating myself for ever putting up with the drinking. He knew I hated it, but continued to do it. I figure I knew this at the beginning and you can live with it or leave...I stayed. Now if it had been everyday...I would have left a long time ago. I guess now that we are doing things together and he is sober...I just wonder why couldn't it have always been like this? I feel like he didn't love me enough to choose me over the beer and why?? I wonder if I make him happy, if he really does love me. I am also 31 weeks pregnant so please take that into consideration...I am very hormonal and my mind just goes and goes with stuff on it. Maybe this will make some sense to you so you can better understand my situation. Also...the one thing that bothers me about the night he got arrested is...I did trust him, but I guess when I found out he got arrested in town where he wasn't suppose to be..something I never thought he would do...He never would go to town for beer after drinking...I thought, he may have done it lots of times, but got caught this time..anyway, it just bothers me. If he had gotten arrested between here and his buddies house, I would not have ever though anything, but he didn't and it just has me so confused...Why was he in town?? Like you said though, I don't think he even knows, but still it bothers me. It's the first time in 6 years he was somewhere other than where he said he would be, that I know of anyway. He said he went for beer and there is a full new thing of beer in the fridge...just don't know.
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MYSweet BabyCakes Bowtique

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:50am
Your husband is what's known as a functioning alcoholic, mine was too. He never missed a day of work, always appeared to be a *normal* guy to the outside world. I guess what you term as "bad drinker" is someone who comes home raging rather than someone who is addicted. You may have gone through the motions of being a healthy couple, but you also know that wasn't reality.

You may have always figured you knew where he was, but it sounds like this has been a wake up call for you in realizing that you really have no idea what or where he'd been. The thing is, it's in the past, you chose to accept it while it was happening, whatever did or did not happen can't be changed. Agonizing over it now won't help anything, won't change anything. All you can do is go on from here.


Like any addict, he didn't drink or not drink for you, he drank and he stopped for himself. You don't have anything to do with his addiction, you couldn't have made him drink and you couldn't have made him stop. Feeling that he didn't love you enough to stop suggests you don't have a good grasp on what an addict/alcoholic is. I'd suggest attending some Alanon meetings (you can find local meetings here: Serenity Found) to help you understand what you're dealing with and what your husband is dealing with. I'm wondering too, what is he doing to remain sober these last four or five weeks? Have you talked to him about your feelings and your concerns?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for aljery
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 8:13am
Thanks, I have actually thought that we both may need some kind of counseling or a group meeting. I am happy that things are better now. I know he has to love having extra money. He has been staying busy...he started redoing our bathroom floor last Sunday, he has an old truck he is trying to fix up...staying away from his buddies who drink. He is doing really well I think. I do honestly know he loves me and the kids...I know I may not feel like it sometimes, but I also wonder sometimes if my kids even love me or love what I can do and buy for them, lol... We are having our second child and he is trying so it's worth it. If he didn't love us, he wouldn't be trying. I think when he got pulled over for the dwi it showed reality..jailtime(which we still aren't sure if he will have that), losing his family and home. Plus he had to call his boss to bail him out and I KNOW he hated that. His boss may have even said something to him. He has pride, unlike some addicts who could care less about having anything or hurting anyone. He loves his son and I know he is going to love our daughter as much when she gets here. The kids know nothing...they know he quit drinking, but our son thinks it's because of a song he told his Daddy about that says drinking will kill you.
Thanks a lot for the comments.
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MYSweet BabyCakes Bowtique

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:31pm

Three of my four grandparents were alcoholics as were both my parents. My mother adored us (three girls), there was never any doubt about that. However, she did terrible things because of and while she was drinking. She dropped us a the library one night and said she would pick us up at 9:00 when it closed. She drank to much and passed out. I was seven, my sister was five and my other sister was three. She didn't answer the phone when we called and all three of us had to walk home five miles in the dark. We were cold and scared. We had to carry my three year old sister part of the way. It was too far for her. The next day when my mother realized what she had done, I'm sure she was ridden with guilt. Nevertheless, her drinking continued. The point of the story is that your husband's drinking has nothing to do with how much he loves you or your kids. It is very obvious that you are not really understanding that on an emotional level. As you mentioned, it could partly be because you are emotional right now. That is perfectly understandable.

It has been my experience with all my beloved drunk family members and boyfriends that they do not stop drinking until they are scared to death. Getting arrested could possibly have been a good thing. Maybe it was the wake up call he needed.

In the meantime, I agree that you should seek some help. Al-Anon helped me a lot. You need to make sure you don't enable him.

Anyway, there is my two cents. Take care of yourself.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 1:39am
Punkydoodle1 is exactly right. Alcoholics don't stop drinking because of love for anyone, they stop drinking because they want to stop drinking for them. Those alcoholics who try to stop because someone else wants them to stop aren't successful for long.


I too hope you use that link to find a local Alanon group. From what you've said it's evident that there's a lot about alcoholism that you don't understand, and in that, there are a lot of things you are likely doing that are not at all helpful to you or to him. Please don't see that as a criticism, it's only meant to tell you that educating yourself on the dynamics of alcoholism and an alcoholic relationship is very important if you want it to be happy and successful. I hope your husband looks for an AA meeting too. It would help each of you immensely and your marriage as a result.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for aljery
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:38am
I know we both need the meeting. I am sure it will be ordered by courts and his lawyer. He did quit because he wanted to. He had his mind made up when he got home that morning. He admitted what he was doing was wrong...not because of me either. I look at it as a wake up call as well. It had really started concerning me because of the poker nights and the main reason for me not caring when he left to play poker was because he wasn't here with the kids and such. I know that isn't the best excuse, but at least we didn't have to deal with it. Those Al Anon meetings only work too when a person really wants to stop because he has gone to them before. This time I think it may work though. He is really opening his eyes for the first time since we have been together. He is just different this time. I know he is scared of what may happen at his court date, but it seems like more...I feel like he really wants to change and he knows that what he has been doing is wrong. That is a HUGE step right there.
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MYSweet BabyCakes Bowtique

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:27pm
Alanon is for the friends and family of alcoholics, I assume you mean he went to AA, right? And you're right, no program helps if the addict doesn't want it. It sounds like your husband isn't going to AA now, because he assumes the court will order him to go? So he doesn't want to go on his own? I hope he's not waiting to see if he *has* to go. Whether he goes to AA or not, going to Alanon would be very helpful for you, and will help you take the right steps to keep him responsible and aware of his actions and addiction. Another board that might be helpful to you is:

Dealing with Addictions


You're right, wanting to change is a huge step in the right direction. Best of luck for his recovery!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 12:18am

When my husband got his first DUI, he and I lied to the courts regarding his habits. Oh, the ignorance of youth. That only delayed the agony. The last third and last (to date) arrest, I stayed completely away from the entire proceeding.

I realize your husband seems to have changed, but will it stick? I know you are both hurting, but don't slap a band-aide on a healing process. Let it process, go to AA and Al-Anon, and regain your marriage and your family.

If he cheated, he cheated. It's a done deal. You CAN address the drinking, which led to other situations (less family time, concerns, possible cheating). So address that issue and do what you can for yourself and your children.