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Need Marriage Advicce
| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:22pm |
This is very importnat to me and I REALLY want advice on this. Me and my Husband have been married for 51/2 years. we have a 5 year old son and a daughter on the way, plus I have two kids from a previous relationship. My Husband has always had a drinking problem on the weekends. I have often wondered why I am here, If I truly mean anything to him. He has been good to us. If I want something he tries to get it for me, but he can also be very moody/snappy. I have drifted away from him because I just felt like I was the least important thing on his mind. He would be drunk all weekend, but we would always go out to eat on Saturdays and then afterwards he would go play poker. I never thought much of it...always thought..who would want a drunk....drunk sex is horribl...I wouldn't even have sex with him. I did feel like our sex like was scheduled though, had to be during the week....Monday's was like clockwork as we didn't have sex over the weekend so we would for sure have it on Mondays...at least 2-3 times a week,but this bothered me because sex is not suppose to be scheduled...not to me anyway. I don't know, it's just weird and hard to explain. Anyway...3-4 weeks ago while my Husband was playing poker..apparently he decided he needed more beer..he actually said his buddy needed it. He went to town and got stopped and put in jail. When he finally got home the next morning I was furious. I wouldn't even let him speak. I told him he didn't need a family and the drinking would stop and blah blah. Well...he hasn't drank since then and is acting more like himself and doing more around the house, working on stuff and such. he is not hanging out with his buddies. All this is good, but I just have this nagging feeling. I feel like I mean nothing to him or he would have never put me on the bottom of his list and that night is so weird because he was caught where he was not suppose to be supposedly buying his buddy some beer. It just has me thinking that there was someone else. I never felt like this until after this night. For one, he was drunk and he knew better to go to town and why go during a poker game to get beer for his buddy??? I got a copy of the police report and it doesn't have anyone's name on it that would have been with him, just his name. I haven't told him I have this. I can not get over this. I feel betrayed and I don't even know if he did anything wrong. I do know there is a full thing of beer in the fridge, he could have gone for himself...it hasn't even been opened. I have checked phone records and nothing shows up. How can I get over this and move on. he is trying now, but is it out of guilt?? I have gotten mad lots of times because of his drinking, but this time he got arrested and may go to jail and I was very harsh when talking to him. How do you know if your relationship is what you think it is? How do you know if you are truly loved or just wasting your time? How do I get my relationship to a good spot where we love and trust each other? I just keep feeling like there was someone else. I don't know why and I don't know how to move on.


Hi aljery,
First and foremost, your husband apparently has a serious drinking problem.
I think there might be a lot more to your post than meets the eye. Maybe you're like me. I was married to an alcoholic too, while he didn't reserve his drinking for the weekend he was like your husband in that he did his drinking away from home, which meant I spent a lot of nights alone - weekends yes, but week nights too. Having a husband who's out a lot meant being fully aware that he could be fooling around, at least it did for me. For me, since knowing would mean I'd have to leave and I wasn't ready to do that, it was something that I didn't want to know the answer to.
If your husband's out every night all weekend drinking and who knows what else, I think you've had to know that affairs were a possibility too.What surprises me, like it does Kim is that you seem to be perfectly fine with his alcoholism, but are shaken by the possibility of an affair. It makes me wonder if perhaps now that he's not drinking you feel "safer", that things are more stable and so you're able to let out some fears and emotions that you didn't dare before, because it wasn't safe. What do you think?
Besides abstaining, is he doing something to help himself? AA or some other 12-step program? A treatment program? Let us know ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You may have always figured you knew where he was, but it sounds like this has been a wake up call for you in realizing that you really have no idea what or where he'd been. The thing is, it's in the past, you chose to accept it while it was happening, whatever did or did not happen can't be changed. Agonizing over it now won't help anything, won't change anything. All you can do is go on from here.
Like any addict, he didn't drink or not drink for you, he drank and he stopped for himself. You don't have anything to do with his addiction, you couldn't have made him drink and you couldn't have made him stop. Feeling that he didn't love you enough to stop suggests you don't have a good grasp on what an addict/alcoholic is. I'd suggest attending some Alanon meetings (you can find local meetings here: Serenity Found) to help you understand what you're dealing with and what your husband is dealing with. I'm wondering too, what is he doing to remain sober these last four or five weeks? Have you talked to him about your feelings and your concerns?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks a lot for the comments.
Three of my four grandparents were alcoholics as were both my parents. My mother adored us (three girls), there was never any doubt about that. However, she did terrible things because of and while she was drinking. She dropped us a the library one night and said she would pick us up at 9:00 when it closed. She drank to much and passed out. I was seven, my sister was five and my other sister was three. She didn't answer the phone when we called and all three of us had to walk home five miles in the dark. We were cold and scared. We had to carry my three year old sister part of the way. It was too far for her. The next day when my mother realized what she had done, I'm sure she was ridden with guilt. Nevertheless, her drinking continued. The point of the story is that your husband's drinking has nothing to do with how much he loves you or your kids. It is very obvious that you are not really understanding that on an emotional level. As you mentioned, it could partly be because you are emotional right now. That is perfectly understandable.
It has been my experience with all my beloved drunk family members and boyfriends that they do not stop drinking until they are scared to death. Getting arrested could possibly have been a good thing. Maybe it was the wake up call he needed.
In the meantime, I agree that you should seek some help. Al-Anon helped me a lot. You need to make sure you don't enable him.
Anyway, there is my two cents. Take care of yourself.
C
I too hope you use that link to find a local Alanon group. From what you've said it's evident that there's a lot about alcoholism that you don't understand, and in that, there are a lot of things you are likely doing that are not at all helpful to you or to him. Please don't see that as a criticism, it's only meant to tell you that educating yourself on the dynamics of alcoholism and an alcoholic relationship is very important if you want it to be happy and successful. I hope your husband looks for an AA meeting too. It would help each of you immensely and your marriage as a result.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Dealing with Addictions
You're right, wanting to change is a huge step in the right direction. Best of luck for his recovery!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
When my husband got his first DUI, he and I lied to the courts regarding his habits. Oh, the ignorance of youth. That only delayed the agony. The last third and last (to date) arrest, I stayed completely away from the entire proceeding.
I realize your husband seems to have changed, but will it stick? I know you are both hurting, but don't slap a band-aide on a healing process. Let it process, go to AA and Al-Anon, and regain your marriage and your family.
If he cheated, he cheated. It's a done deal. You CAN address the drinking, which led to other situations (less family time, concerns, possible cheating). So address that issue and do what you can for yourself and your children.