Boyfriend abused as child, affect on us

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Boyfriend abused as child, affect on us
2
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:39pm
I've been dating a wonderful man for several months and we are also very close friends. He was abused emotional, physically as a child, had depression years ago but has been through years of therapy and is doing remarkably well now. I love him so much and we have a fantastic relationship. I would, however, like advice from others who have been on either side of this type of relationship. I do see signs like him not initiating affection and being guarded, and would like to hear of others' experiences so I can learn and understand the various affects of child abuse in adult relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:00pm

In addition to whatever personal experiences you can learn from here, I would strongly recommend doing some research on your own about the long-term effects of childhood abuse. There has been much written in the professional literature on this, as well as self-help books and articles for the lay person.

Search the subject at Amazon for titles, or, just go to the library or search on-line for articles.

There are certain patterns of behavior that are common to many abuse survivors, the most common of which are trust and attachment issues. Understanding the dynamic from a clinical standpoint will help you measure your reaction(s) to some of these if they crop up in your relationship.

Lastly, if he is still actively in therapy, and you two plan to make your relationship permanent, you may want to ask to join him in therapy and have the therapist guide you through the most likely issues that are particular to your partner.

Good luck!

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:14am
I don't know that there's anyone on this board who is, or who has been in a relationship with an adult who was abused as a child. I would have to say, though, that there are going to have to be some effects, no matter how much progress he's made.


I would agree with searching out books on the subject, and if you're considering a serious, long term relationship with him, I would urge you to seek out a therapist who specializes in dealing with adults who were abused as children to find what you can expect, what is overcome-able and what are going to be lifelong issues. I'm sure you know that being abused by the very people who are supposed to protect and care for you does quite a bit to your trust and your ability to open up to others. The skills we learn in how to care for children, how to interact with adults and how to interact in relationships are all formed in our childhoods, our parents and our home life provide the blueprint for what is "right" and what is "normal". Those early learned lessons are deeply embedded and difficult to overcome. His bad lessons are the base of his "how to"s.


Best of luck ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"