My boyfriend and my ex
Find a Conversation
My boyfriend and my ex
| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:23pm |
I am in a strange situation that I don't know how to deal with. I was engaged to a really great guy. I did a really stupid thing and cheated on him with a mutual friend of ours. He found out and dumped me.
Fast forward a year and a half. Now the guy I cheated with is my boyfriend and we are living together. I have had a really rough time getting over the guilt of cheating on my ex. I've been very depressed because of it. Honestly, I don't think I will ever forgive myself for what I have done. My issue now is that my boyfriend has started hanging out again with my ex. Except I have not seen him since we broke up, and he has made no effort to get back in contact with me.
These little get-togethers always take place when I am sleeping (I have to get up early for my job) and with the group of friends that they have always had. But the thought of them hanging out together again drives me nuts. I want to know why it is ok for my boyfriend to be forgiven for what he did, but not me. I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about this, and he just doesn't get it. I am feeling really confused and alone. Any input or insight would be appreciated.
Fast forward a year and a half. Now the guy I cheated with is my boyfriend and we are living together. I have had a really rough time getting over the guilt of cheating on my ex. I've been very depressed because of it. Honestly, I don't think I will ever forgive myself for what I have done. My issue now is that my boyfriend has started hanging out again with my ex. Except I have not seen him since we broke up, and he has made no effort to get back in contact with me.
These little get-togethers always take place when I am sleeping (I have to get up early for my job) and with the group of friends that they have always had. But the thought of them hanging out together again drives me nuts. I want to know why it is ok for my boyfriend to be forgiven for what he did, but not me. I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about this, and he just doesn't get it. I am feeling really confused and alone. Any input or insight would be appreciated.

Although I can understand why you are feeling strnge about this situation, there is no solution other than you just making yourself get over it. First, you have no control over what either your present or ex bf does. And second, because of your particular circumstances, you are in no position to make any demands.
It might help if you consider that it is only your ASSUMPTION that your bf was forgiven and you were not. That may not be the case at all. In fact, it is much more likely that your ex has gotten over you and put the pain of your betrayal behind him. Good for him. He has also apparently decided that he wants to continue being with "the group of friends they have always had." He has done what he needs to do in order to make them ALL, including your bf, part of his life again.
You should not be surprised, hurt or upset by the fact that you are not included in this little circle. No matter how well your ex has dealt with his reaction to your betrayal, everyone who is aware of it would be made uncomfortable if the three of you wound up in the same place. The bottom line is that this is a situation of your own making and you are just going to have to live with it, so stop torturing yourself and accept the reality.
LRM
jm527,
<>
It's not for you to figure out or know about. Men have their own ways of dealing with things and it's a far cry from how a woman would. I think that the deeper reasons is that you want to know because of what you did and the fact that after all this time you can't seem to let the past go. You feel that if you know this it will help you do that, but I think that it will just give you the need to hang on even more then you already are. I think councelling would be a best bet in this situation.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I assume you're saying that your ex is forgiving your boyfriend, right? If not, please let me know, but I'm going to assume that what I'm thinking is right and respond accordingly. I think you may be assuming that your ex has forgiven your boyfriend and not you, unless you have info about it that you haven't mentioned. If your ex has indeed forgiven your boyfriend but not you, it may be because he feels that you are the one who knew where your allegiance was supposed to be and you are the one who chose to violate the relationship you had with your boyfriend. You could argue that your boyfriend violated his relationship with your ex too, and you'd be right. But if your ex is seeing it as you being the one he believed in and trusted, he wouldn't be seeing it that way. Of course, I'm guessing in all suggestions I made, no one but your ex knows whether he's forgiven one or both of you and why.
More importantly, Jm527, is that this issue has really been bothering you and has caused you depression. It sounds to me like you haven't forgiven yourself and perhaps that's were the biggest part of your "he's forgiven but I'm not" is coming from. Perhaps you're feeling that you're being tortured by this, while your boyfriend happily goes out and strikes up his old relationship with your ex. It seems unfair that an issue that's causing you so much pain is causing him so little, especially when he was just as big a player in it as you were. Because this has been something you've not been able to get through, and because it's causing you depression, I think it's definitely time to see a therapist. Dealing with it with the help of someone who can really guide you through it and help you get to a place that you resolve it in yourself and forgive yourself is something you really deserve. You've wrestled with this long enough, felt bad about it long enough. Now it's causing you depression - a sure sign that you need help to get through it. Don't let this baggage continue to be with you and continue to affect your life. You deserve to come to terms with what you've done and forgive yourself. Make the appointment today.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"