Called off wedding - back together

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Called off wedding - back together
17
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:08pm

I need some advice: my boyfriend and i called off our wedding after being together for 4 years. Since then, we have gotten back together and worked really hard on fixing what was broken. The wedding is still off, however, we are happier now than we have ever been. The problem comes in with my parents. They want nothing to do with him until he pays back the money that was lost when the wedding was called off (they even wrote him a letter demanding the money back). THey also think he needs to apologize to them for calling off the wedding. After that, they said the MAY forgive him. He is in school and has NO money right now, certainly not the thousands of dollars they are asking of him. I agree that he and I should split this cost but I also understand his financial situation and that he does not have this kind of money right now. He has offered to pay them what little he can every month, however, he has not had any extra cash in the past 2 months and now their laywers are going to be sending him another letter shortly. this is causing us a lot of stress, when we are trying to focus on working things out. I also think he does NOT owe them an apology. What happened was between us, not between my parents. He and I made amends, and it's no body else's business. This is causing me huge grief as now my parents and my boyfriend cannot get along. He and I have been taking steps slowly toward getting engaged again, and it's hard when I can't even bring his name up to my family wihtout them getting angry.

Has anybody ever called off a wedding and gotten back together? How do you handle family that was hurt by breakup and are not happy we are working things out? What should I do? Thank you in advance...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:24pm

While I agree that what happened between the two of you is your business, the fact that your parents were footing the bill for the weddings means they should get an apology.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:39pm

Hi Kques

I can't help but believe that there's more to this story than money. They way your parents are reacting may likely reflect their feelings on seeing their daughter being heartbroken. Could I ask why he called off the wedding?

Also, you seem to have a rather glib attitude to the loss of your parents money. If your boyfriend shares this attitude, this could also be behind their actions. They would be feeling like "we've just wasted all this money and they don't even care!" This is where the apology comes in. You boyfriend MUST apologise to them for calling off the wedding (assuming that the cancellation was his idea). You are quite incorrect when thinking the marriage cancellation is none of their business - when they put down money, it became their business.

Lastly, I'm assuming that if/when the two of you do get married that you will not be asking them to pay again? That the two of you will pay for yourselves? Have you told them that there will be no further expectations of them paying again? You see, parents only have to pay once and they may be thinking you are expecting another wedding from them.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 6:50pm

Hi, Thanks both of you for your feedback! It's just a really frustrating time right now. We called the wedding off for more than one reason but mainly: his parents impending divorce due to alcoholism, a death in the family, busy schedules that never allowed us to spend time together, my mother's disapproval of the ring he proposed with, and pretty soon all of this pressure sort of did us both in and we decided to call things off and gain some perspective.

The thing about the money is: my parents don't NEED the money, they just want revenge on him "breaking my heart" but what they don't see is that they added to the pressure and we called it off collectively. they only see him as the bad guy and me doing nothing wrong. they pressured us to set a date, pick a location (not caring for HIS opinion AT ALL), get a dress, ALL with more than a year and a half away from the date we had set. it was just not the way i/he and i wanted things to happen.

I just wish my parents would see that even though they were kind of offer to pay for the wedding, the pressure they put on us because of it was too much for me. I am not the kind of girl who has dreamt of her wedding her whole life. on the ohter hand, my mother has dreamt of my wedding her whole life and talked about it everyday to me since i was about 18 (i am now 30).

i feel like she will just never get over the wedding that "could've been" and will hold it against us/him for the rest of our lives. she keeps saying she just wants me happy, but i AM happy and she continually reminds me that i called off a weddding (6 months ago), how could i be happy about that? etc. etc., she just doesn't get it.

they also don't understand my boyfriend's interest in helping plan our wedding. my mom said no guy she's ever met wanted to be involved in the planning and that the girl should get whatever she wants. i see it as his/my day, not MINE and i want it to get a joint effort. not what my mother and i want and he just shows up....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:34pm

It seems like you need to take a little responsibility for dealing with this issue since these are your parents. How exactly have you tried talking to them about this?

I would think you need to get a little more forceful. If you were to tell them something like that you've decided you're going to pay them back all by yourself by putting the full amount owed on your credit cards, that might make them back off a bit since presumably they don't want you to suffer too.

Or have you thought about sending them a check every month (or sending it directly to the lawyer) for whatever you can afford?

Or have you considered telling them that you have to back off from seeing them due to the stress that their lawsuit is causing you? Why are you spending so much time with them after they've acting like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 8:03pm

I'm sorry to say that I do think you both owe your parents a sincere apology. They may have made you feel uncomfortable in the planning process, but you took what they offered and did not speak up. You allowed them to invest thousands of dollars for you. Whether they could afford it or not, is not relevant. Since you cancelled the wedding that you had them pay for, you both should pay them back. If you have cable, internet, eat out, meet friends for evenings out, or buy anything other than true necessities, then you both have the ability to pay them something monthly. Paying debts to others should be the highest priority out of return respect and consideration.

I really think you both should go to them and tell them you have realized the impact of the situation and want to sincerely apologize and repay them (provide a timeframe and stick to it)...and ask them to understand your current feelings and support you going forward on better road.

If your boyfriend is not man enough to apologize or step up to begin repaying them SOMETHING regularly and consistently, then he is not man enough to marry. Good luck to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:12am
You said, "...we have gotten back together and worked really hard on fixing what was broken." But later stated the reasons as impending divorce, death in the family, etc., nothing that breaks or needs fixing, then later still indicated it was stress caused by pressure put on both of you by your parents. What was going on with you two?


A few other questions are:

  • How far away from the wedding date was it cancelled?
  • How long have you two been back together?


    I disagree with you in thinking that your boyfriend doesn't owe your parents an apology, I think he most certainly does. He - and you - put them out a lot of money, whether they need it or not, and for that an apology is the respectable thing to do. It acknowledges the effort your parents made. It's only right.


    I'll be checking back for your answers ~






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-15-2005
    Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:06pm
    I would hazard to guess that since you and your BF have such a blase attitude about the money, etc., that that's one more reason why they don't think this is the right guy for you.
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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-11-2006
    Sun, 12-24-2006 - 4:07pm
    I actually just called off my wedding (a week before the date) three months ago. My fiance confessed to cheating on me shortly after my father's suicide three years ago and was randomly continuing it with this other girl until that week.
    He on the other hand is offering to pay all the money back, it is just my mother that is taking longer to sit down with him for him to apologize to her and go over the finances.
    We too are trying to work things out right now. I know you may think it is crazy but I love him dearly and we are both working in counseling to make it right. My family does not agree with it but they will support me and my decisions. It is a very tough situation but I do see that my mother is owed her money--she is not as fortunate as the parents mentioned--she is a single mother. I do believe it is really important that the parents get paid back and that you both seem a more respectful to the fact that they put up so much money for the wedding. It was the first thing that came to my mind when I called the Wedding off-how is she getting her money back.
    I wish you both the best of luck-I think that if you extend 'an olive branch' it will help to build a bridge between your parents and you and your BF.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 12-25-2006 - 1:01am
    Welcome to the board, Alh78 ~ It sounds like you boyfriend is handling the situation appropriately and honorably by repaying the money and planning to apologize; that says a lot about him, especially considering the situation.


    I know you didn't come looking for advice, and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn when I say that I hope you and your boyfriend are working with a licensed couples counselor to look into the infidelity, why it happened, what steps are being taken to assure it won't happen again, as well as addressing issues of trust and betrayal that you have.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-11-2006
    Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:40pm
    Yes, we are both with licensed counselors...mine is actually a psychiatrist. She was someone I had seen before after my father's death. He is seeing someone as well. We have been going individually for about three months each. It has been a total rollercoaster and I am getting extremely exhuasted from the energy I spend going over and over every detail of the situation...not just his affair but also with the aspect of what my life would be with or without him. I have decided with my counselor that it would help me decide better if he and I went together to a couples counselor. So she gave us two names in her office to use and he has agreed to join in. Actually he has asked to go now for about two months but I wasn't ready. The hardest part is actually trying to get myself to start to believe him and what he says. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me for a long time and I am just having a trust issue with that. I have set very STRUCTURED boundaries for him and I have also told him what I expect. I know I will never have blind trust anymore for most people and I realize now trust is more of believing yourself and demanding respect from people and not accepting less.
    I am starting to feel the confidence I worried I didn't have though to end it if he screws up with me after this. I was so depressed after my father's suicide that I actually kind of see this affair coming out as not only a wake up call for our relationship but also for me. I am starting to live again...it is great.

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