an ex is ruining our relationship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
an ex is ruining our relationship!
1
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:50pm

Hi!! Hope you can help.....

Ive been with my partner for 6/7 months, we have a great but fiery relationship because we are both very strong characters and both very much in love which plays to our insecurities. We plan to marry next summer and are currently living in the czech republic together renovating a house. Our only recurring arguement has been about an ex girlfriend. She and he were together for 3 years and broke up 3 years ago because she was gay and had been having a gay affair for a year of thier relationship. I am the only person he has been serious about since her and he says he feels more for me than he ever did for anyone else. He has kept a close relationship with her and her family because they were only people there for him when his father passed away, which was very traumatic for him. Thier importance in his life has caused problems as his ex's family still are holding out hope for them to get back together and dont accept that thier daughter is gay. Also, she emailed and visited when we first got together and the atmosphere was uncomfortable. I made an effort to get to know her but she was quite disinterested. I have seen emails on an account we share which I admittedly read out of curiosity; sent to her when we first got together. On one occasion, she sent through images of herself on holiday asking what he thought and he rose to the bait by telling her they turned him on and she looked wonderful. He says he only said this to make her feel better about herself and that he was sorry he wrote it but it still puts a bad taste in my mouth and convinces me that there will always be more than just a friendship there. He describes her as the person who knows him best. But only as a friend.
Because it caused so many arguements he decided to cut contact with her and her family because he loves me. But he has repeatedly mentioned them and makes me feel guilty, today he broke down because he misses them so much and they were the only ones who he feels he can talk to about his dad and other issues outside of our home environment and his circle of friends.
I feel very guilty but very upset and angry that this issue is ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship. Its made worse by the fact that he is a hoarder who has kept every picture of her and every letter written by her and previous girlfriends which I had to see when helping him move house.

Please give me advice as to how to handle this issue. its a toughy!!! Thank you xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:51am
There are lots of things here, Stokie. First of all, fiery relationships don't cause insecurities, being unsure of where you stand in a relationship causes insecurities. One one hand, you can't cut people you care about out of your life for someone else, in the end you feel bad about yourself and resent the person who you cut them out for. Cutting her family out shouldn't have been an option for him. If your relationship is strong and secure, it shouldn't matter that they hold out hope he will get back together with their daughter, you and he would know that's not going to happen. What does seem quite likely though, is that he's still hung up on her. He says he said her pictures turned him on only to make her feel good about herself, does she need that? Does she feel bad about herself? I think you're close to right. I don't think there will always be something between them, but he's certainly not over her yet. Until he is over her, he's not open or available for another relationship, his attention and thoughts are still partly on her. He'll have to want to break away before it will happen, it's not something you or anyone else can ask or suggest. But until he's completely over her, he's not ready for anyone else, no matter what he says. You deserve someone who thinks only of you, not someone else, everyone deserves that in a relationship.


Why does contact with her family cause you to fight?


Pictures and letters from old relationships are just memories. It doesn't sound like he keeps them out since you saw them when you helped him move. Since he's kept them from all his past girlfriends I wouldn't say this is an obsession, it's just his past and he has a right to hang onto his memories. That shouldn't cause you upset, he can't change his past, and denying it happened is silly. Having warm thoughts of past relationships doesn't have to mean you miss them, want it back, or anything like that. But staying in contact with an ex, telling her she turns you on, those are things that tell you he's not ready for another relationship.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"