Friend destroying relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Friend destroying relationship
16
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:19am
My long term boyfriend and I just recenly bought a house together, a brand new home. We have been living together in total for about 3+ years so this isn't something that is new to both of us. However, I am facing a problem with his friend, and only friend, coming over ever single night of the week. Now him coming over isn't what bothers me because he did this before we moved into the new house, it's the fact that him and his girlfriend come over EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And when they come over they stay for hours on end. This friend of my boyfriends' is a complete slob which is another thing that is bringing me closer to my breaking point, because I am the one who has to clean this mess up (I am a clean freak so I can't go without cleaning it). We have only been moved in since November 1st, and I have counted the number of days his friend hasn't come over excluding the 3 days my boyfriend was out of state on a business trip and it totals up to be 4 days. I feel like not only am I sharing my house with two people that do not live there, but I am also feeling like I have to fight to have some alone time with the man I am living with. I have talked to my boyfriend about this issue, and how it bothers me, and I have approached it from every angle I can possibly think of. He says he understands, or he tries to justify the situation, or he says, "we have a couple hours after we get home before he usually gets here to spend some alone time together."(I feel like I have to schedule my time with him) Well I know it sounds selfish but WHAT ABOUT ME?! You would think that two adults would realize that being a young couple who just bought a brand new home together would probably like to have some alone time. I feel like I am just the maid that walks behind everyone and picks up. He wants me to be more social with these people, however, I don't share the same intrests as them (football) and I am to the point where I am starting to resent them and my boyfriend for not having any nights alone in my own damn house. I have done everything I can think to do at this point, and nothing seems to be working.(even turning on bitch mode and not speaking to any of them to get my point accross) This relationship needs to work, we both love eachother very much and I don't doubt that for one minute. But it is going to start falling apart if we can't have some quality time together without these unwelcomed guests all the time. Can anyone tell me what I can do that might help the situation? I feel if this continues anymore I am going to end up snapping in frustration and lashing out at them. Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 2:50pm

The problem isn't that these people come over every night -- the problem is that your boyfriend is making them a higher priority than you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 3:46pm
No there is no partying involved at all. We aren't the partying type to be honest. They come over, watch football, we have the NFL network package so it's on 7 days a week! And play football games on the xBox until wee hours in the morning, this includes during the work week. I am 24 my BF just turned 28 although you would never know that if you went based on his mentality, it is of a 15 year old. No pun intended to anyone, but it's one of the reasons I fell in love with him because he was so much fun, and we could goof off together. But now we have a home, we have more responsibilities. To justify a lot of our conversations on this topic his responses are usually that (We'll call the friend 'M') M is his only friend and likewise. Or that M and his girlfriend live in a tiny little studio apartment, what else are they going to do? I say something about it, and I he tells me that 'M' is his friend and always will be. I understand that and I do not want their friendship to fall apart. But at the same time, he is losing sight of the fact that he is in a relationship with someone who loves him, and wants this relationship to work so much to the point that I have even taken it upon myself to go to therapy, to maybe change my outlook or reactions to different things. I just want him to come half way with me, and I am starting to see slowly but surely, it isn't happening. We talked last night about it breifly when he asked me what was wrong. I told him they are coming over again?! That should be hint enough in my eyes. Well today he writes me an email at work saying he can't wait to get off work, a certain football game is on, and then asked me if I am going to hang out with everyone. WTF is that all about?! I am REALLY running out of patience. I feel like I am the adult and he is a child. And he wasn't like this until we moved into this new house, and these friends of his started coming over more often.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:43pm
I think you're right.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 6:45pm

Time to put your foot down about this, I'd say. You have a right to have a say in how much time visitors spend at your house. I would let your BF know that you need to have at least 3 nights a week with no visitors (or however many you need--heck for me it would be more like 6 nights a week!) and that that is as much as you are willing to compromise.

Of course, if he's not willing to even compromise that much, you need to decide if this is a relationship you are really willing to stay in. Is this a dealbreaker, or not?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:50pm
It must feel different now that it's in your own house? You said this has been the way it is for the last three years, surely you recognized that this is the way it is with your boyfriend, right? I know you said it's not so much the friend, but it's that he comes over with his girlfriend now. But then you also said it's because you have nothing in common with them, that it's football all the time, that the friend is a slob, that you want time alone with your boyfriend....I think you're just plain sick of having the guy over all the time and really, I don't know anyone who would say you're wrong.


This is your place too and you have every right to say that you do not want the guy over there every night. You have the right to have 50% of the time go the way you choose. However, it's a pretty loud statement if you have to insist to your boyfriend that his friend not come over all the time. You've gently told him as much as you can and get responses that say he understands or reminds you of the hours you do have together, he's placating you, what he's not doing is doing anything to change it. He just wants to make you to be okay with it. Your boyfriend is pretty clearly telling you where his preferences are. You said a couple should want to be together. You're right, but your boyfriend pretty clearly wants his friend over being alone with you. You said you don't want to get in the way of their friendship, but you have to know, this isn't how "normal" friendships go. We stay close in friendships without being with each our friends every day. It isn't necessary to be together daily to maintain a friendship, and as an adult, it isn't normal to want to be with a friend every day, do you think? Especially not when you have a life, a girlfriend, etc.


You said your boyfriend's at the emotional age of a 15-year old. That's great when you want to have fun, but you'll also need to have an adult around, someone who doesn't act and think like a kid. If he acts like a 15-year old and he's 28, I'd be pretty concerned that he's reached the top development he's going to reach. You want to be with a 15-year old for the rest of your life?


You said the friend's a slob and that you're feeling like you're nothing but a maid. Why are you allowing that to happen? You've basically got a 15-year old boyfriend and you're acting like his mother rather than his partner, have you thought about that? I would really suggest you change that in all areas of your relationship, but right now especially as it applies to the friend. He's a slob. Your boyfriend wants him over. Great. I'd say, "Fine. He can come over 3 days one week, four days the next (even split - if your boyfriend wants to go to his place to be with him he can, but half the time you get to choose how your life goes in your own house), when he comes over, you're going to be responsible for cleaning up after him, not me. He's your guest, your responsibility, not mine." Then I'd make it stick. Your boyfriend may get a little tired of cleaning up after his slobby friend. Right now he gets to hang out with his friend, watch sports while his "mom" cleans up just like when he was really 15.


Honestly, I would really be paying attention to the fact that he's not at all concerned or interested in what you want or how you feel. He isn't looking for a compromise or looking to make sure things go the way you'd like them to go, he makes excuses and placates you, all the while continuing to have his buddy over every night. He's choice says where his preference lays, and it isn't with you. I'd say it's time for some straight talk with some real, adult answers and decisions decided.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 8:56am
Not at all, this is the one thing that he has given me the most problem about. I sat down and talked to him last night, which the conversation ended up with me very upset, and very resentful. I told him how I felt once again, but even in a comprimising way, telling him even if his friend came over every other night. And his response was, "honey you know I love you more than anything, and I would give you anything you ask for, but a long time ago I told you that there are going to bed very few things that I am going to have to put my foot down on and stand by what I think. And this is one thing that I am not going to comprimise on." He then said that he enjoys their company when they come over because he actually has someone to watch/play football with. From there on out in the conversation I really didn't want to hear anything else because my blood was already boiling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:06am

Wow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:08am
I am very aware of all these points your bought up, and have thought about them to the fullest. I have told him to take responsibility over his friend picking up the soda cans throughout the house he leaves, or the to-go cups he leaves on my coffee table that leave a ring from not using a coaster. And my BF has been doing fairly well with that. I have toned down the "mothering role" but now with seeming like I am putting my foot down, giving ultimatums or making him choose, I am being some sort of tyrant. My BF doesn't fight me on any other issue, and usually things go my way around the house, except this issue. And you are right, it is awkward to me to have your friend over every single night. My BF and him have been friend for roughly 5 years. I have a bestfriend whom I have been close to for more than 10 years, and we probably see eachother once every couple of weeks. And I am okay with that, we have our own lives to live. But it seems like he does not see it that way. He wants that companionship constantly from his friend. He likes his hobby, and he likes sharing it with someone who is just as obsessive about it as he is. But enough is enough! He says this is one thing he is standing firm on, and he hopes that I can turn all the negatives into at least one positive and make the best of the situation. But how can you make a positive out of a situation that you hate? It's time for me to start exploring my options and where this relationship is heading. But at the same time I don't want to see like a little kid who didn't get my way and throw a tantrum, because out of all the things, this ONE thing I disagree on he won't give me, or even compromise.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 4:58pm

Wow. That is amazingly unreasonable of him. You don't get any privacy in your own home and you're supposed to be "positive" about that????

Anyway, now you know. You either learn to be ok with not having any privacy, or you end the relationship (or at least move out--did the two of you decide before you bought the house how you would handle it if one of you moved out? Hopefully you did).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 7:59pm

"But at the same time I don't want to see like a little kid who didn't get my way and throw a tantrum, because out of all the things, this ONE thing I disagree on he won't give me, or even compromise."

I dont think this is ONE thing. It's the foundation of your relationship you're talking about.. respect, consideration, enjoying one another's company. And that is missing.
I can't imagine that my husband would want to spend EVERY evening with anyone other than me.. I am his best friend in all ways. He would rather be with me than anyone else in the world. In a good relationship I dont think you need to ask someone to spend time with you. I think you want to spend time with the other person... It should come completely naturally to you and your boyfriend. To the extent that spending time with other people is recreational.. something you do once in a while.
I dont know what "love" means to you.. but to me, love is all of what I described above. Do you think you have it? Will you be fulfilled if you have to negotiate spending time with your BF? Even if he agrees to do the "every other day thing". I could never live with that.. as if I have to beg to spend time with the person who is suppposedly attracted to me.. taken with me, interested in our conversations!!! That is just unthinkable to me... To us we negotiate spending time with other people.. we coordinate so that we hang out with our own friends on the same days of the week.. or if i am busy with school he'll entertain himself.. if he is busy i'll go out with my friends. our first priority is to spend time with EACH other.. not to amuse ourselves and think of the other person as an afterthought. WHich is what is happening in your case.
You need to define what a healthy loving relationship is. Yours doesnt sound like one to me. And you would be completely UTTERLY justified in ending things with him. It wont be a tantrum.. it'll be you choosing to get out of a stagnant pit of a "relationship".
Hope this doesnt offend/hurt you. I am being brutally honest.

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