I'm confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
I'm confused
8
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 9:05pm
I've been married for 4 1/2 years and have a 3 year-old daughter. Before we had our daughter, we lived by ourselves. After we had our daughter, my in-laws came more often to visit us from overseas. Now, my mother-in-law lives with us. She saids she wants to see her first granddaughter more and wants to help us out. Well, my daughter is now in preschool, and don't need her to help out anymore. She is still around. She doesn't help me with laundry or clean ups. All she does is play with my daughter. What does she do??? I can't stand her. My husband thinks is perfectly fine that she is around. Of course I have no say to that. Then the arguements started about 2 years ago and it is on and off. Recently, it has been almost everyday. It's gotten to the point where I'm sick of tired of this. It's like I can't stand him anymore and he can't stand me anymore. I even told him I wanted a divorce! Then after a few hours of calming down, he would pretend nothing happened and say we were just angry at each other. Everything will be fine. I don't think everything will be fine. There is no solution to this yet. I hate living with my mother-in-law and I hate the fact that we argue almost everyday. I even thought of leaving my husband and daughter. I'm so depressed and confused. What should I do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 9:22pm

jgirl, just to get a little more perspective.

You mentioned that your mother in law comes from overseas. Do your husband and mother come from a culture where extended families living together is common?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 9:45pm
Hi. Yes it is common in their culture, but not for me. I can't stand this. It's just driving me crazy. I have talked to him before about telling his mom to go back to where she lives, but he doesn't have the guts to tell her! Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:07am
Since it's normal in your husband's culture you probably understand why it's difficult for him to change the situation; it feels right to him. I would really suggest seeing a marriage counselor with your husband to deal with this problem. It's a deep issue, it's something that needs the help of a professional to help the two of you unwind and resolve. This is affecting your marriage to the point that you're considering ending it, seeing someone who can help you work through this is important and necessary; you've been battling with this for two years, if it could be resolved between the two of you without help, you'd have done it by now.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 1:41am
Hi. I am seriously going to find a marriage counselor to solve our problem. If that doesn't work, then I will have to end our relationship. The bad thing is, we had already planned a trip for the holidays and we're leaving on 12/28. I don't know if I should go or not. We'll have to be stuck with each other for 2 weeks. What is your suggestion? I kind of want some space for myself to think things over, but if I don't go to this trip, it's like I don't want to work things out. I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 2:17am
Don't be embarrassed, Jgirl. I'm glad you're planning to see a marriage counselor, I think it's the right move to make.

I have a few questions: Does your husband know how serious this problem is to you? Does he know you are at the point of considering ending your marriage? If he doesn't, I think he should know how serious this is.


I assume you're considering not going on your trip because you and your husband are at a high level of discontent, right? If that's the case, I think it would be appropriate to tell him you're thinking of not going. I'm wondering though, is your mother in law making this trip with you? And if you don't go, will you keep your daughter with you? I'm also wondering why, when you think of leaving your marriage, you think of leaving your daughter behind?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 3:40am
Judging by your post it sounds as if you are severly depressed and your husband has no idea

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:27pm
Hi. I'll try to answer all your questions. I did talk to my husband about how serious it is last night. We end up arguing again. I'm very tired of this. As for the trip, my mother-in-law actually will be leaving earlier then us. We will not be living in the same place for this trip, so I thought that is something different, but of course I'll see her, just for some dinners or lunches. As for if I leave, I can't take my daughter along. I love her, but I don't have the money to support and raise her. I'm sure my husband will take good care of her. I know this is selfish, but I want my daughter to have the best and get a good education. If I don't go to the trip, my daughter will definately go with my husband because this trip was mainly for my daughter, so she can see her grandpa and some relatives. I really don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:59am
Are you in the United States, Jgirl?


Besides arguing, does your husband now realize how serious this is? Perhaps after having a little time to let the realization sink in he'll be ready to approach it differently.


I think it's very important for you to do exactly what you said you were going to do -- begin working with a marriage counselor as soon as possible. If you plan to stay home from this trip, I would suggest you start working with the counselor and let your husband join you when he returns.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"