Any way to save this relationship?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:47pm |
What would you do? how would you react? here is the scenario:
You have a 4 year old, no longer with his mother. (there are still "some" benefits if you know what I mean) Anyways you also have a GF who you are obviously stepping out on. Ex GF is obsessed that you belong with her and does all kinds of crazy things like, sugar in your gas tank, oil in your car windows among other things. Bottom line these benefits get you busted when she tells your GF and you and your family all at once that she is pregnant with your child, again.
To make the story short, you believe her. leave GF, try to work it out with EX for kids sake and doesn't work. All along you have a "good friend" whom you've developed feelings for and vice versa. At around the childs age of 10 mos or so you move out and see him every now and then when mom lets you. He is now 22 months. After all kinds of reasons to believe that your ex dooped you, you get paternity test. It is negative. He is not your son. You choose to forget about it, never found out but Call your Ex on the deceit. She in turn tells you that she somehow knew when she saw the baby that he wasnt yours that he looked like a guy she was seeing but she already had a kid with you, so she didn't say anything to not look like a slut. As well as calls up the real daddy, informs him that she has his son and demands visitation, babysitting, money etc. Oh by the way you were ordered to pay child support for kid when you split up. As well as your oldest son. As soon as this happens you take her to CS dept and pretty much make her tell the truth so order is closed on that child. Once you realize that child is seeing her real dad, you don't see him as much. Yes you still babysit for her every now and then.
FFWD to today, 6 yrs later. You never told anyone but your parents. They never called her on it, still babysit and call child grandchild. They take him to parties, family events etc. You don't. You see and pick up kid not wanting to know whether his dad is in the picture or not a few times a year. You don't care, and she won't be honest with you anyway. Child knows, your parents know, your GF knows, Your son knows. Your GF's family knows you only have one son. no one in yours knows the truth.
You finally get custody of your son. After years of him being tormented and humiliated by her family because they hate you, thinking you abandoned his mom. You never wanted to split up the brothers, you thought it was best. Your son is having serious problems with school, can barely read, write etc. He is starting Jr High. His mom now has 3 kids the youngest 2 yrs old and yet another father. She has been a terrible person throughout the years. Your GF hates her, she has caused so many fights, arguments, and tears for her. YOUR Gf loves your son. She is patient and really has helped him come through these last few months with school. You are seeing an improvement. You have plans to move into a bigger home, your son's mom is moving further away... Your GF has a daughter (same GF for 6 yrs) who has lived with you guys Full time and you have a son. You and her want a child of your own. She won't have one if she has to continue to lie to your family and her child about this other child being his/her brother. You tell her you want to eventually bring this child into your family and to live with you. and want to start to have a set visitaion every other weekend or so, and to include him in family events, vacations etc. Your GF tells you that she can accept you bringing him over on some weekends but that she has never developed any feelings for him over the years and don't think she will. You demand that she feels and treats this child the same as your son. You want her to include him in her family's gatherings/parties etc. Your son's mother doesnt pay a cent for Child support now that he is with you, can't even pay for a ticket to disneyland if she is going to take him, expects you to pay for him or he cant go. All these years you have been paying your share of child support as well as school clothes, gifts, sports activities etc, that she enrolls him in.
Financially you could probably bring this child to live with you if you really tried and made sacrifices as a family but it would also mean no child of your own with GF. YOU probably could not do it on your own. Unless you went back to living with your parents. You know that your GF has strong feelings about this, you also know that you do too.
I am sorry it went on for so long. What would you do? What do you think?

Pages
Is this about you?
I apologize but I originally posted this in Real answers from real Men, thought it would have been easier to understand.
So you're the GF who doesn't want the non-bio child to come live with you?
Sorry I keep having to ask questions, it's just the way the whole thing was written is a little confusing! :)
The limit is not 2 kids.
We each have a child of our own. His is 11 turning 12 next week. Mine is 14 turning 15 next year. This child is 7 yrs old.
Financially we could only have 1 more child. We both want a child of our own. He wants to bring this child to our home, making it impossible for us to have one of our own.
I offered a compromise as to bringing him Now and then like maybe 2 times a month or so. But BF not only wants to bring him to live with us for good, He wants me to feel for child like I already do feel about his son. He wants him to have the same priveleges and treatment and stuff as his son and my daughter. On top of that he also wants me to have a child. He doesn't want me to "shelve" the idea. I am in my early 30's. I know I am not getting any younger.
As for the legal aspect. BM is a pain in the tush. As soon as BF suggests it, she would jump on it. She is that type of woman. She let SS come with us because she didn't want to deal with him. He was too much trouble for her. Also BF is legally childs father. He is on his birth certificate as the father. He has never attempted to make that correction.
If he went to court and the paternity results are on record with the court (and that's how the CS was stopped) I would imagine that the court amended the birth certificate to show that he is not the father.
Legalities, he hasn't thought of, and no the courts did not ammend the situation. Here in CA Child support Dept is not directly linked with courts. The Dept stopped the child suport order but that was it. If the birth certificate was to be amended he would have to initiate the motion etc. A whole process.
I amagine that the reason he wants to do this now is because we were planning to move into a bigger home. As well as the Bio Mom moved a good 50+ miles away. So BF will not have the luxury of going back and forth as easily now, therefore requiring the child to sleep over full weekends etc. Child is not or has not been abused or neglected in any way. As I stated before if anyone has been cheated or mistreated it was my SS (BF real son) He is the one who has been discriminated against by his mother's family.
NO ONE in this picture has legal physical custody or partial custody of any of the children except ME. I do have both legal and physical custody of my daughter.
And to answer your last question: Child has visited our home and stayed weekends a few times a year. That is pretty much it. Also BF family sometimes take him to family gatherings/parties etc. All in all, I see him as SS brother. You could say like a friend from school. I make sure he eats,is safe etc. But nothing above or beyond. It hasn't grown in me to feel different. No other feelings.
Does his bio son live with you two full time?
Yes Bio son lives with us full time. He just started to this summer, He started Jr high in our school district. We had been planning on moving when our lease was up to a 3Br home. we are in a 2BR now. And all of this coincides with Bio Mom moving to another county about 50+ miles away.
Yes it was out of the blue. I don't get it. And no birth certificate was not changed. Child has BF last name and until he legally does something to change it, it will remain that way.
I just feel so sad, So many years of putting up with all kinds of torment and heartache for it to come to an end like this.
Pages