Relationship Differences: Bad Choices

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Relationship Differences: Bad Choices
10
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 5:45pm
I have been with my boyfriend, Matt, for 11 months. We are both in college, away from home, and while Matt is at home, with his Highschool friends, he smokes pot. I have a strong aversion to pot and over the past 11 months we have gone back and forth on me trying to accept it and him trying to quit. Lately, he's been trying to quit, but today he told me he either has to be single or with someone who can love him for who he is and accept the drugs. I am so in love with him and I really want to stay in the relationship, but I am struggling with the drugs topic. Help please!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 9:30am
This is a difference of morals and values -- and nobody is going to recommend that you change your morals just to be with this guy.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 11:02am

I'm afraid this is one of those issues that has no solution. Because you feel so strongly about drug use - a perfectly legitimate and thoughtful personal position - you are not going to be happy long term with someone who holds the opposite position. His position is legitimate also. That means that neither of you should have to change for the other, and that is an impasse.

I am also sure that you have deep feelings for Matt. However, after only 11 months, you should not be so attached as to not be able to let him go and start over. You also need to consider that under the circumstances, you may be more invested in the RELATIONSHIP than you are in Matt as a person. This is not a slam - it takes the better part of a lifetime to reach the sort of depth in a relationship that makes a loss almost unbearable. You are young and feel things strongly, but your youth should also make you resilient.

Whatever the outcome to this problem of yours, please understand that if Matt cannot or will not quit, it does not reflect on you (or even on his feelings for you) in any way. His drug use is certainly an issue, but the real basis of your problem is that he does not believe what he is doing is wrong, and you do. Whether he quits or not, that will never change. And, obviously, the alternative solution is for you to change your attitude about marujuana. I'm not sure that's REALLY possible. And for you to attempt it "accept" it, with saving the relationship as the only reason for doing so, is not realistic.

Good luck!

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 3:20pm
Thanks for all the advice. It is certainly a big choice I have to make and I have considered many things. One thing I've considered is that the drug use scares me because I worry that he will let it impede his pathway to success. He is a business major with tremendous potential. However, he is highly motivated to have an internship this summer and engage in responsible activity to make sure he makes the best out of that experience. Another thing is that he assures me this is only a college thing. Now that means because he does not smoke at school that it is only two more summers and a couple week long breaks. The last thing I have to consider is that some of my closest friends smoke weed and it doesn't bother me in the least bit. I have not quite figured out why not, but I sometimes wonder if I let it bother me with Matt because I feel that as his girlfriend, I have the position and authority to let it bother me. However, I do not want to be that kind of a person. If I choose to let it not bother me, as much as possible, during college, knowing that it is temporary and infrequent, is that wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 8:33pm

Nothing you decide after objective and thoughtful consideration is wrong. You're free to make the decision. However, for what it's worth, my experience over the past 40 years is that people who smoke pot and like it tend to continue to do it sporadically. This is certainly not universally true, and I don't mean to say that Matt is lying about his intentions. He may truly be intending to stop once his career gets underway. On the other hand, business can be very stressful and lighting up can take the edge off of a difficult day at the office.

You'll be fine is you are completely open with each other, and thruthful with yourselves. Your second post indicates that he has his smoking under control, which is important, considering that your fear is that it will interfere with his functioning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 10:49pm

The biggest mistake of my life was thinking "oh, we are young- everyone parties, he'll grow up..." because it never happens. Not marriage, children, or buying a home helped him see he had to give up the partying life and the drugs. It was harmless, or so I thought, when we were young and all of our friends were doing it.

Don't compromise YOUR values and hopes for a sucessful future. I don't doubt that you love him or that he loves you- but sometimes that isn't enough. He has to WANT to change otherwise he will resent you and hold it against you everytime things are tough and thats no way to live either.

Good luck...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 12:11pm

Indications of drug use persist in the body, and many companies subject their employees to random drug tests. Using drugs is a good way to get fired.

Drug use is also illegal (we can argue whether or not it ought to be another time--right now, the fact remains that it IS), and if you are with him when he is stopped by the police with drugs in his possession, you will be arrested, too. Lawyers are really expensive (some of the women who are attorneys and post here can speak to that), and you probably would have preferred to use that money for something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 12:28pm
Your story sounds interesting and close to mine. Can I ask more about it and what happened?,,,,
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 4:13pm

Well, we were young- I was 19 and he was 24 when we met. Neither of us were in school. We both worked full time jobs and partied with our friends- no responsibilities what-so-ever.
I totally believe that we were in love when we married which wasn't long after we met. Four months into the marriage I got pregnant and life got very real, very fast. I was sober (obviously) but told him to keep having fun until the baby arrived. Well, when the baby arrived...what do you think happened? He "tried" to stop taking pills and drinking...but in two more years time it had spiraled out of control. He was hiding the fact that he now had a doctor WRITING these scripts for him, he was selling pills and taking them or trading them. The money he made from them and from our bank account to pay bills was being used to gamble. I begged him numerous times to stop- I tried getting his parents involved, but he is a VERY slick talker. Anyway...about the time of our 4 yr. wedding anniversary I just knew it was never going to get better. I know he didn't want to loose me or our kids, but he "didn't think it was a big deal" to take some pills. I didn't want to be married to someone who had to "get high" to enjoy life. He would blame stress or work- I told him "WELCOME to the real world...plenty of people are stressed and they don't have to take pills!"
I tried everything I knew and it kills me it took me so long to realize I can't make him want to change...he has to see and understand WHY he does the things he does in order to stop the bad habits. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make because we have two small children together. But I know they are much happier now that I am so much happier.

You are so young and there is so much life left to live- you deserve to share the important values with whomever you shoose to be with- not be made to feeel like a "nag" or like you aren't good enough to BE SOBER FOR! Honestly, can you see yourself being 40 years old, with a couple of kids, having a great career, and your husband still smoking pot? Probably not... so, even though you love him...it might be best FOR YOU to let him go. I know it is hard and it sucks- but you deserve better. If you need anything else, plesas don't hesitate to ask- I am happy to help in any way I can.Take care, keep me posted, and good luck! EB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:48pm
Thanks for sharing your story. I was involved with someone a few years ago and it was a very bad situation. I was very young and impressionable and he was into a lot of drugs...weed was his gateway drug to shrooms, cocaine, and others I'm sure I don't know about. Long story short, he was convicted of a felony for drugs and jumping the fence of the CDC while he was on shrooms. That's when my attitude about drugs became very clear: the day he called me and explained that we hadn't talked for four days because he had been in jail.
With Matt I go back and forth on so many things. 1) he is not a stoner-type and you would never know it from just meeting him. 2) he is very focused on school, earns better grades than me and I have a 3.6 GPA and he is also very motivated to use his business degree from a top 20 business school to the best.
I feel like Matt smoking weed, the more I look at it, is such an insignificant part of his life. His friends at home are not motivated and are on a much lower level than Matt. Some of them were kicked out for having .5 GPAs. However, in HS Matt fell in with them because they all shared a love for cars. Matt assures me that he has no desire to be friends with people like that after college. We talk about living in the state I'm from and he says that will be a fresh beginning for him, no drugs, new, more sophisticated friends, a path to success, and a family. I want to believe him so badly because he has never given me reason to doubt him, he is always very truthful, and he reassures me not because I ask him to, but because he can see the worry on my face and wants me to know that we are going to work out.
What do you think???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:15am
Drug use is not insignificant and cannot be taken lightly. All you can believe is that he smokes pot and that it will continue. Great that he says it's just a college thing, but he's also said it's important enough to him to end your relationship over. Think about that, that says it's pretty darned important - he's chosen pot over you. According to you, "over the past 11 months we have gone back and forth on me trying to accept it and him trying to quit." If he's struggling to quit it means one of two things, either he really doesn't want to quit (and if he doesn't want to quit now he won't magically want to quit after college either) or he's addicted (which is likely if he's been using for an extended period). This is no insignificant thing -- and we haven't even touched on the fact that your beliefs on the issue do not match up, which is incredibly important. Let's pretend that you marry down the road and he continues to use. You're going to be okay with him smoking in the house or around your property? Are you going to be concerned about potential police involvement? Even small time users and buyers get busted. What do you tell your kids when they come across Daddy's stash or Daddy's pipes? How do you explain that Daddy's doing something illegal but it's okay? How do you teach them it's wrong when their father uses and doesn't agree. This is no small issue and the potential for much greater problem is huge.


It's not surprising that you don't have a problem with friends using. You're not in a committed relationship with them, it isn't important that your morals and values are in agreement like it is in a romantic relationship. The relationship and potential you have with your boyfriend is not the same as that of your girlfriends.


IMO, your boyfriend has already called this one. He says he has to be in a relationship with someone who accepts this and you don't. You can shove your beliefs and pretend to go along, but you're not going to be able to continue to swallow something you don't believe in for long. Your morals and your convictions are your own. You're no more able to change yours than you are able to change him to believe that smoking pot is wrong. So, you end the relationship and tell him once he's quit smoking to give you a call. Until then, you need to find boyfriends who's morals and values are in agreement with yours. This isn't a compromise-able issue.







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When you don't get what you want"

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