Gambling Problems
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Gambling Problems
| Sun, 12-17-2006 - 3:01am |
I just found out tonight that my husband of 5 months has been lying to me about his gambling. This has been a problem before and he was promising me that he wasn't playing with real money. When I checked the bank statement tonight I saw at least 6 withdrawls from out bank account over the past 2 weeks to gambling websites. What makes it worse is the fact that I just had surgery so I'm out of work for 3 weeks and Christmas is around the cornor. We are so broke that I am having to get creative with our finances in order to afford Christmas (using gift cards given to us from our wedding and things like that). And I've been feeling guilty about little expenses I've accrued like buying a magazine or fast food for lunch. Granted he has won some money and is probably close to breaking even, but the whole point is the fact that he PROMISED me he wouldn't gamble and he LIED to me about it. I really don't know what to do!! I love him so much and I hate the idea of our marriage being rocky after only 5 months. He feels bad about it and keeps apologizing, but he's done that before to. I was trying to save money for his Christmas present (a surround sound system) but I'm not sure if I should get it for him now. I'm tired of feeling like his mommy trying to censor him from gambling webites and controlling his money. I've tried changing the passwords on the websites so it will freeze up the bank account and he can't deposit from it but he just goes and finds another website and sets up a new account! Please help with some advice. We are still newlyweds and I want to enjoy it!!!!

Your husband is an addict--he's addicted to gambling instead of drugs or alcohol, but substance is really immaterial. It's the addiction part that is the issue. That's why he lies--because that's what addicts do. And it's why he says he'll stop and then doesn't.
I would read all you can about Gamblers Anonymous and find out if there's a support group available for spouses of gamblers (similar to Al-anon except for gambling).
Ultimately, it's up to him to decide to quit (and go to GA meetings), or not. But if he doesn't, you need to find a way to live with his addiction (or not)--that's what the support group would help you with.
Good luck, it's not easy living with an addict.
Sheri
Make your husband sit down and watch it with you.
This is in your husband's hands. Apologies and promises are not enough, will not change the situation. I understand not wanting to feel like your marriage is rocky after five months, but you must also realize this is not your fault and that you're dealing with an addiction. I understand how you feel as my husband is also a gambling addict who disclosed his addiction and sought recovery two years ago.
Until you know what you're going to do I would strongly recommend opening a savings or checking account in your name only so that he does not have access to it. I personally wouldn't make him aware of this account either. Seriously, I would take the money I'd been saving for his stereo system and put it in your new account. Not for vindictiveness but for safety and for good sense. Keep at least enough money there so that you personally will be safe if he puts you in financial trouble. Having enough money for first and last month's rent, utilities, etc. will ensure that you'll be able to leave and be okay on your own. If he knows the money's there, he may use it as a "safety" and expect you to hand over the balance to bail him out of financial trouble. Know that removing access to all your bank accounts is no assurance that he doesn't have money to gamble with. Payday loan places are everywhere and their accounts are full of gambling addicts. He can sell property, cash our his 401K or any insurance policies, etc. Believe me, if he wants money he can and will get it, you cannot stop him, but you can protect yourself - and you should.
Your state should have a toll-free hotline number to call for help with gambling addiction, and many states have treatment programs available for free (they're paid through lottery dollars - go figure). Help is available if he wants it, but he has to want it, and if he isn't ready to stop he isn't going to. He may never stop, many don't. You can't stop him, all you can do is make choices for yourself.
Some resources and info that may be helpful:
Gamblers AnonymousGam-Anon
Gamblers Anonymous - 20 Questions
The Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery - gambling addiction sectionI'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's not fair. I know being married to an addict is the last thing you had in mind.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks, Ivdarian!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you so much for recommending that movie for me and my husband to watch. I rented it and we watched "Owning Mahoney" last night. We both were able to relate to the situations very well. I don't think he completley realized how bad I have been hurting because of his gambling. He actually go really upset at the main character for being so stupid and treating his girlfriend like crap -- until he realized that that was exactly what he had been doing to me. We recognized some of the conversations so well (almost word-to-word exact!) and the apologizing scene in the shower....he can remember saying those exact words to me before. His first comment wst "wow, you much REALLY love me" to which my reply was "If I didn't, I would've left by now." That kind of hit him hard and he did admit that it was a problem that needed to be fixed right a way. The movie was able to open up a whole range of things that needed to be discussed. He became very honest about the whens, whys, and how much. and I was able to get out my "how could you lie to me" question asked. We talked about how much pain, suffering, nights of worry, and anger I had be keeping pent up that I needed to say. He actually looked genuinely apologetic, hurt and angry at himself. Watching the movie really gave him a way to see my side of the glamour and lights of gambling.
I called the gambling outline and they were very helpful as well. They told me about a program called Gamblock that you can install on your computer, Everythime the computer is taked to a gambling website, the Gamblock will post a warning sign and shut the computer down. I don't want to be this exptreme because it may block somethings that I want, like POGO or fantesy football. I would like to think that he can quit on his own, but if he slips again (even once) the Gamblock goes on the computer, we attend GA meetings, and couples couneling focused on addiction. For now, I have changed all the passwords for the sites he has been on and will set up accounts on any that I can find, to block out the bank account. Also, I feel like I can't trust him out alone with his friends (they are all military and love the boats) and since we live in a town with riverboat casinos,5 to be exact, I can't trust that he wouldn't go. But sooner or later, he will have to take responsibility for his action and just not do it. I know that's hard, but hopefully we caught it before it became a big issue.
He is a great guy and I love him with all my heart. This is just a minor setback, but I refuse to let something like this get so bad that it ruins our marriage. That's why I want to stop it before it starts. It was good for me to get out all of these feeling I've been having and talking it over her helped me organize my thought before talking to him. We were able to discuss ways that I have been hurt (being lied to, blatently doing it after I specifically asked him not to, blowing so much money right after my surgery (which was why he did it so much then, he knew he could get away from it with me being so drugged out and asleep most of the time. I gave him a scenerio that would relate to me ($500 shopping spree on me and only me) and asked how he would feel. He is pretty sensitive and caring and this broke him down. We have decided that we need to start going back to church and make this a part of our lives again.
Thank you all so much for reading my post and answering them. It is really comforting to know that their are other out there who understand what I am going through and can be ther for me. I will be sure to keep posted up on our programs or (God forbid) more advice if this didn't work. He has admitted to the problem, it's now up to him to change his behavior. Thanks again everyone. This was my first time on iVillage and it has been very helpful. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
P.S. I didn't take the stereo surround system back (it is Christmas after all) but, my husband is deploying to Guam in Jan. He is an avid (if not obsessive:)) golfer. I told him that the money he gambled was comming out of his Guam fund -- which essentially means less fun - less golf. He was pretty upset by this, but agreed that it was probably a very good consequence. Thanks again!!
Becca
Another board that may be helpful to you is:
Dealing with AddictionsI would encourage you to get involved with Gam-Anon now to learn about gambling addiction and to learn the best way to deal with it. Best of luck, Becca; I hope it works out for the best for you.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
Edited 12/22/2006 11:31 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"