How to bring it up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
How to bring it up?
8
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 6:27pm
my boyfriend of almost a year has been asked by his current job to relocate to their offices in Houston, TX- we live in Arkansas. We would have an 8 hour car trip to visit one another. The job is really a great opportunity for him to advance and get an enormous raise with his company. Although it is still being discussed- nothing is final- I am scared. We are not ready for this relationship to be over. I have two small kids and traveling to see him will not be easy. Plus, with my current living situation, if he came to visit me, he wouldn't be able to stay with me- which would make it a very expensive trip. I have thought A LOT since this all started about "what if" I moved with him... although I haven't brought it up yet because I am still trying to decide if that is something I can even do...
I just don't know how to bring it up or when...it is a big discussion and I can see it lasting for HOURS just bringing it up. I love him & don't want to lose him. Any thoughts or comments are greatly needed! Thanks!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:52pm
Before you talk to him you need to figure out what moving would be like for you and your kids. You have to consider if your kids are young enough so they won't feel uprooted. What about a job for you (if you work) and will that be possible? What about real estate costs, is it more expensive where you'd be moving? Consider everything for yourself and your children first, so then when you approach it with your boyfriend, you can show him that you've thought everything out and you won't be confused about your feelings.
Discuss it with him in a private area where you won't be interrupted so nothing is left unfinihsed. Maybe take a whole night to yourselves. Also, be very patient and understanding and positive. This is obviously a touchy subject and attitude can make a world of differenc.e Good luck, keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 9:09pm
After reading your profile I don't think you should move. Why not?
*Because you are a divorced mom with 2 little kids and you are currently surrounded by a huge, loving, involved extended family. This family support is crucial for your children.
*Because you JUST purchased your own home after considerable struggle.
*Because you have known this guy for less than a year. Uprooting your children and following this man on the CHANCE it may become a lifelong relationship is foolish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:51pm

thank you so much for your reply... I know exactly what you are saying about my children and moving them away from their family- that is THE only issue I am really truly struggling with in regards to the move. ( I don't have my own house- I would like to be able to make that accomplishment...I think I need to reword that part of my profile!) I have actually known this guy for two years, and made himwait 6 months with us ONLY interating as friends until I let him take me out on our frist date- which will be one year ago on New Years. But it is still a chance I don't know if I am really willing to make. My whole life is in this city- I moved away for one year of college and even then I was only 2 hours away. It is something I have always wanted to do, but never had the guts to do. I don't want to blow my big chance to move away on a dead end relationship.

Thank you so much...I am defintely going to keep thinking about it all before bringing it up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:23am
Mhill and Ivdarian both brought up some very good things to consider, Maizenbraid. I understand that you haven't brought up the thought of also moving, but I'm wondering what your boyfriend has said about your relationship in conjunction with this transfer? Or has he not addressed it?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 12/18/2006 2:24 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:21am

Honestly, he isn't one to bring up a serious subject unless there is reason for it. There is stilla chance it might not work out and he will stay here- and until the decision is MADE to move, he won't bring up this serious subject. I know he has thought about it because we did touch on having a long distance relationship one night when I burst into tears about him moving. (Looking back, it was really hilarious!)

He is a thoughtful & sweet guy. He knows how close I am with my family and how much support I get from them and asking me to move away from that, whether I wanted to or not, would be a difficult task for him. I have always said that moving away from this city would probably be a very good thing for me so he knows I have the idea in the back of my mind...getting to that stage is another story...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:49pm
I can see how it could be scary to bring up something like that. I would try not to get too far ahead of yourself and worry about how the rest of the conversation will go. At this point, you just have to mention that you've been considering thinking of MAYBE moving over there with him if he makes the trip. You could always just mention it the next time something relating to this job offer comes up in conversation. If it ends up leading to a serious conversation on the spot then great. Otherwise, all you really have to say at this point is that it's something you'll both have to really think about and discuss further. This way at least the fact that you're thinking about it is out there. Once you've brought it up, the topic will probably come up much more quickly and easily in future conversations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 9:10am
Another thing you need to consider is that moving far away from home is in itself a traumatic experience -- particularly if you've lived there your whole life and that's where all your family is.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 12:43am
If you two touched on having a long distance relationship, it sounds like the subject was brought up to me! My question was geared towards getting a feel for his thoughts, expectations, hopes, etc., for your relationship if a move happened. Would he expect that it would simply signal the end of your relationship? Would he expect that you'd touch base when you could and probably your relationship would fade out? Did he expect to make an all-out effort to keep your relationship strong and working or what? I think it's pretty important to know what he wants/expects/hopes for before considering moving with him, and I think knowing what he thinks should have a huge bearing on what you consider doing.


Kim brought up a good point in saying moving is hard and stressful on relationships. She's right there, we moved to a city 100 miles from where we'd lived five years ago and I can tell you, being in a different city with none of your usual sights, sounds, none of what's "normal" to you is very difficult; surprisingly so. It seems fun, interesting, acceptable at first, but eventually your subconscious wants what's "normal" back, and that's when it gets difficult.


I think before deciding what you'll do you first need to be sure this is something your boyfriend would want to happen. If it is, you have to ask yourself if this is something you'd do if he weren't in the picture because at this point you don't know that your relationship will last. If your relationship ended would you want to stay in the city or would you want to move back home? IMO, if you wouldn't go if he weren't and if you would move back if your relationship ended, your move is about him, not your opportunity or desire to move because the change "would be good for you". If that's the case, I think you should seriously consider staying where you are.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"