Spiderman?
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| Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:59am |
I'm only 17, he's 18. We've been dating for a year and a half just about. I tend to be emotional and it hurts me that he is very unemotional but his family and friends as well as himself, have explained he is very very unemotional perhaps because of his past.
I feel I must have pushed him to tell me his thoughts and feelings because I couldn't understand how he could not be so emotional when saying what he feels for me. He often said things like, "I will tell you later" because he said he'd rather tell me at a more special moment. But those "special" moments never seem to come even though we've shared so many special moments.
We broke up because he wants to remember how it feels to be alone and figure out what he wants in his life as well as just figure him self out because he says he doesn't know anything. However, he used to tell me when he was alone he would feel sad or angry, but with me he became so happy.
I believe he is trying to figure out what he wants in life because he said he realized he had never made plans or anything for his life. We were planning to live together after I finish school. But today he told me that he felt bad because he felt like he had led me on because he never truly thought about what I'd said when I would talk about us living together. He's not sure if he wants to go where I'm going, but he still wants to be with me.
Now that we broke up, I asked why we can't stay together until he figures it out. He says he's afraid that what he wants to do with his life will make it so we can't be together. But he doesn't even know what he wants. I asked if he wanted to be with me if he is able to figure out a way that we can be together and he said yes. That he truly wants to be with me and is trying so hard to figure out a way we can be together. I told him the reason I love him so much is that he gives me a hope for fulfilled dreams and happiness that no other has. I asked if he believes we will be together again, and he said yes, but he doesn't know when and that needs to figure out a way to make it work.
I believe he is trying, but I am also afraid he will give up on us because he has always had the desire to be epic or like a super hero. He doesn't like help and he wants to change the world. But he has this strange delusion that if he is to help others he is not allowed to be happy, and therefore not allowed to be with me or anyone for that matter. That's how he used to feel anyways, and I fear he may end up trying to take on saving the world in exchange for a life of personal sorrow. I guess... think like Spiderman. He loves Mary-Jane, but feels he cannot save the world and be with her. And I, as "Mary-Jane" don't care because I want to help him and be by his side no matter what. He knows this, and wants the same thing. It just hurts me so much to not know what he wants and be helpless because he doesn't know what he wants for his life either.
I don't know what to do. I told him I'll give him all the time he needs because I don't want anyone else. And he says he doesn't ever want anyone else either. And he said he'll keep telling me what he does figure out until he reaches a conclusion.
Should I just keep giving him time to sort out his feelings, thoughts, and life? Is there a possibility he will return? He said he believes we will be together again, though it may be weeks, months, possibly years away. And he said to keep having hope because there is "a lot of hope."

Hi Bella
As much as you won't want to hear this, I think it's good that you and Spidey are taking a break. You see, it's apparent that he doesn't satisfy you on many levels. He's a poor communicator, doesn't have enough time for you when saving the world and cannot be happy when making others happy. These are big issues and will not go away with time. Fast forward 10 years to if you are living together....how will you be feeling when living with a non-communicative, miserable person? Trust me, you will be totally miserable.
You write "he gives me a hope for fulfilled dreams and happiness that no other has". I'm assuming the fulfilled dreams you are talking about are marriage etc? Sweetie, you're only 17! You will meet many men yet that make you feel good. I understand that you feel like you've reached maturity, but trust me, you will do a lot of growing and changing yet...and one day you will look back to when you were 17 and realise that your life experiences are only just starting out. I'm almost 40 and am not even remotely similar to the girl I was at 17 - my needs and expectations from those around me have changed enormously!
Use this time fruitfully. Move on with your life and start dating again. Tell Spidey to contact you only when he gets his head sorted out and in the meantime, he should leave you alone so that you can start over again.
The sun will shine again and you will date many more men yet.
I think I would be negligent if I didn't add that thinking that if he is to help others he is not allowed to be happy, and therefore not allowed to be with me or anyone for that matter is a concern. This thinking indicates he could likely benefit from some counseling, likely due to the past you indicate is a reason for his lack of emotional expression.
You say he gives you hope for fulfilled dreams and happiness. In having those hopes you have to be visualizing him being different than he is now, right? The vision you see is a guy who is expressive and openly loving with you, who doesn't hold you at arms length or need to be unhappy in order to save the world, right? You're hope is that he will change. Your hope is expecting that he will become different and that's not realistic. You must see him as he is, accept him as he is and make rational decisions based on what is reality, not what you wish it were or what you hope he might be in the future.
He may give you more hope than anyone has, but you're only 17, you've hardly scratched the surface on guys yet. Give yourself many more years to meet and learn about a lot more guys.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's reality. You have no more reason to expect that he will change to be emotional than you do to expect yourself not care about emotion yourself.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"