Being selfish? or not?
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Being selfish? or not?
| Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:40pm |
Ok, here's my problem... I've been married for a bit over 7 yrs, and we have 4 kids. My dh and I both work full time. We have one kid in middle school, one in kindergarten, and two still in daycare. I am constantly STRESSED! I talked to my dr about it a couple of months ago. Her recommendation is that I find some time for myself, start exercising - if even going for a quick walk. She also offered some anti-anxiety meds. But I told her that I wanted to try the other stuff first. I have IBS and heart problems, so I'm always afraid of taking any other meds in fear of messing w/the meds that I'm already taking. Ok, so my dh and I talked about it, and I decided to join the gym. I've been wanting to lose about 20 lbs, so this seemed to be like the best idea. I get away for a while (time to myself) and I exercise. I've been going for a little over a month, and I love it! The problem is that I feel so selfish leaving my dh w/4 kids while I go have "fun" as I put it having time by myself and making him take care of the kids. He does go play poker about twice a month, and he plays on the computer a lot, so it's not like he never gets away. But I still feel so selfish, and I feel bad that I'm leaving my kids, after I've already been away from them all day while I'm at work. This has become a huge problem for us, because I feel so guilty. I signed up for a year at the gym, and we are really scraping to pay for it, so I can't really cancel the membership, and I hate for it to go to waste. I'm not sure if I can gift it to someone else, or maybe I could pay a cancellation fee, I'm not sure. But what do you all think? I guess I just need an outside voice to tell me if I'm being selfish leaving him w/the kids and just leaving my kids period. I am going 4-5 times a week, and I'm usually gone about an hour and a half. I am still giving the kids their baths before I leave, but my dh has been putting them to bed most of the time, as I go to the gym in the evening - usually around 8:00. Please help me straighten this out in my mind.

Times4, I don't think you're being selfish. On a personal level, I'd probably be doing 2 or 3 times per week instead of 4 or 5, but generally speaking, having a healthy mind is essential when raising children. If excercise clears your mind, then I say "bring it on".
The only thing you've written which I feel would be worthy of guilt would be giving your gym membership to someone else or paying a cancellation fee. It would not only be a waste of your money, but would do nothing to help your already high stress levels.
However, I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm concerned about your level of guilt. Not only are you unable to take time for yourself, but it's causing issues in your marriage. What's going on here? And could you explain more about your comment >>This has become a huge problem for us, because I feel so guilty<< The level of guilt you're talking here is out of proportion to the problem. There is an underlying issue here which needs addressing.
Lastly, I'm wondering if you should be looking at some big life changes. Your stress levels are so high because you're working AND being a mother. Sweetie, you've simply taken on too much. Do you have the option of moving to a more affordable area so that you can cut your rent/mortgage payments? If you could cut your living expenses, perhaps part time work would be an option. Also how does the cost for daycare vs working balance out? I always found that the cost of daycare would take most of my salary..... therefore working would have had minimal financial benefit for me.
Lastly, what does your husband say about all of this?
As far as the time you spend away and guilt about your husband getting time to himself, I have a few thoughts. One is time with dad while he's solo is gold. It gives them time to build a better, stronger relationship with them and it lets them see a male figure in a caretaking role, which is incredibly important to their adult lives and how they see men. Your husband may already be an active caretaker, but this time will only build on that. The other thing is, I'd like you to start silently keeping track of his computer time. I'm betting when you start adding it up you'll find that your time at the gym isn't so much after all.
Congrats on having made the decision to work out and congrats for sticking with it!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You're not being selfish at all.
I agree with all the other posters you need this time for yourself. It is good for you. With that said, I also feel like I understand about the guilt thing. I always worry about shirking my husband on his free time, and my kids on their mommy time. If you still feel bad, and it is becoming counterproductive to the gym making you feel good, maybe you could go an hour later. That is if the gym is still open at that time, and it is realistic with your work schedule. Then you would have an extra hour with your kids, and depending on their bedtime see them tucked in.
Rebecca