Tell me the truth-please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Tell me the truth-please
11
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 4:57pm
My anxiety has been really high lately. And I don't know if I am creating it or if I have good reason for it. So please tell me your honest opinion.
During the first year my husband and I dated he cheated on me twice.
Once while I was chaperoning high school kids on a national trip out of state ( and he was watching my house, had sex w/her in MY house)
And the other was within the first month of us starting to date. I have alot of insecurities from those events.
For a couple reasons:1. he never told me about them. The girl he slept with at the beginning of our relationship told ME
2. The other girl, my friend told me, I repeatedly asked him, he denied it. Until I tricked him and told me he told me when he was drunk and than he spilled thr truth. So, he lies.
BUT what is bothering me now (we've been married one year and together 4 total)
A few months ago he told me he would NEVER cheat on me when he is sober, but if he is drinkng.. he doesn't know.
Well, my husband is an alcoholic. So this is quite often.
Last weekend he left friday to get his daughter who lives 4 hours away. He wasn't picking her up until saturday. I have no idea where he stayed that night or what he did. The only thing I know is I talked to him about midnight he was drunk and mean to me... He arrived there about 7pm, he didn't even call to tell me he made it. So I called.
NOW he has to take her back and he wants to do the same thing.Leave tonight come home tomorrow night.(BTW his daughter lives in his home town,where all his friends live)
All I can repeatedly think about is, how he cheated on me and everyone knew. Everyone as in his mom,sister and the friends he is going over to see. They ALL lied for him and would again.
AND what he said: That he will be faithful when he sober, but probably not when he is drunk. I can't stop thinking about it. Or wondering.. how much has he cheated? Is it ridiculous to think he has been faithful to me? What about all the nights he doesn't come home or didn't come home? I hate it! Do I have a reason to be so worked up? or is my anxiety so out of control I am making a bigger deal out of it. PLEASE tell me the truth I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you very much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 5:35pm

loladoreen73,

So why did you marry him?? And why do you stay married to him?? I'm sorry, but you have caused your own anxiety and stress in this by marring him after he cheated on you twice while you were dating and you keep it in staying married to him. He will forever pull this on you because you have allowed it and continue to allow it. Why would you let someone do this to you??

If you wish to continue this bad marriage please be sure you don't have kids. Brining kids into this mess would do damage to their lives.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 5:56pm
The first time he did, we weren't "together" we were dating maybe two weeks. The second time, we were kinda broke up.(ANd I didn't find out for maybe 2 years) We didn't rush and get married,we worked our problems out or so I thought.Everything was great until a few months ago. And now my insecurities are back because of what he told me.(faithful when sober/"maybe" unfaithful when drunk) So it happened in the first few months and we have had 3 1/2 years in between before we got married. maybe I am a fool! IDK. All I know is it hurts and it hurts alot and I dont know if Im blowing it out of proportion or not.. apparently I asked for it.. which makes me feel worse.. IDK what to do now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:00pm

I agree with defleppardgal. You want the truth, here it is. You are with an untrustworthy drunk. How can you feel anything BUT anxiety? You cannot believe anything he says or does. If you stay with him you are just asking for it.

I'm sorry if this upsets you. I think you should find someone better for you. If you knowingly have children with this man, they will suffer and you will have to live with the guilt.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 8:28pm

loladoreen73,

Any BOY who tells his wife that he could not stay faithfull if he was drunk is a looser and NOT A MAN and needs to be sent down stream. I'm sorry I don't mean to be harsh, but this guy you are married too isn't a man, isn't a husband and would not make a father. He needs to get a grip on what the reality and true meaning of a man/husband/father is. Problem is, from his words I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon and your sanity, emotional well-being and self-worth are going to end up paying the price. It's already starting to because in your reply to me you defended him. It doesn't matter if "technically" you weren't together or weren't serious because he is STILL TO THIS DAY telling you that he would cheat on you if he was drunk and the oppertunity presented itself. So what will be your defense when it happens?? This guy needs to hit the curb with a big loud thump.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:36pm
Since he made a point of telling you that he might stray while drunk, I think he was setting you up, preparing you for the fact that he would be getting drunk and cheating on you. From his point of view, the fact that you were warned means that he now has your permission to do as he pleases when he is under the influence. He is showing you the respect he has for you and your marriage, and yes, I think he's doing as he pleases on those nights away from home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:02pm
So how do I confront him? What do I say?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:11pm
So.. now what? He told me that when he was drunk. I doubt if he remembers. ...this is my husband..this is hurts so much. If he would abstain from drinking we would have a different outcome. But addiction is powerful.And he is weak. This is very painful... Kill the kids.It's killing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:57pm

As a woman married for 24 years to a man with a drinking history and episodes of cheating, he's hanging his hat on the perfect "it's not my fault and I'm not responsible" hook. He says he's not responsible, therefore can do what he wants whenever he's drinking. Your accepting will only cement the situation.

I'm not sure what I would suggest you do. If he's proud and likes this situation, you're likely doomed. If he has remorse (which it doesn't sound like), you've got a chance.

I agree with the others: DO NOT bring children into this. Look at the hurt you're going through. Can you image what a 12 year old daughter will learn about what women do and what men do? And do you want your 17 year old daughter tolerating this from her boyfriend? As adults, we can make our own choices and resulting happiness and unhappiness, but children aren't afforded that luxury.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 1:15am
I agree, he's using alcohol as an excuse to cheat. Alcohol doesn't make a cheater, but it does make people who are cheaters more prone to cheating.


How do you confront him with what? You have two issues. He is a cheater and an alcoholic. People who cheat will continue to do so. He has proven that he is a repeat offender and has let you know that it will continue. You can't make him change, he is who he is. He is also an alcoholic, and until he's motivated to get control of his addiction, he will continue to drink. You cannot change either of these. Only he can, and I haven't heard that he's interested.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 11:15am

loladoreen73,

So now what?? Now you take a stand for YOURSELF! You confront him by telling him that the drinking and cheating and emotional abuse has got to stop or you are out of there. Or even better would be to actually go and tell him he has to change before you come back. If he doesn't take steps towards AA and really changing well then there you go, he's made his choice. You can stay but it won't be a happy life. He could get someone else pregant, he could get some STD and give it to you, you can suffer emotionally forever with the thought of "what is my husband doing this time". Personally a man who chooses another women's bed and a bottle over me wouldn't even be given a chance, but it's your life. Or you could find someone who is faithfull and respects the meaning of marriage and makes you happy. If you stay again, I repeat don't bring a child into this. A girl would learn that this is acceptable and pick an abuser herself and a boy would think it was acceptable and turn into an abuser. It's one thing to choice to make your own life miserable it's another to force someone else too because of your choice.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

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