How to proceed?
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| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 1:29am |
I am not sure how to proceed with my marriage. We've been married 24 years with four children (one pre-teen and three teens). We spend no time together, by his choice. This last week we talked about 15 minutes; 10 of that was on the phone updating schedule or organizing details. He comes home from work and stays in his garage; the children and I eat dinner, do homework and go to bed before he comes in. He leaves early in the morning. When he does come in, he's generally angy and/or moody, then falls asleep in front of the TV, sometimes staying there the whole night. The children and I walk on eggshells when he's around.
I invite him to church, to the children's concerts, to my office party (with people he'd like) and generally get "we'll see", then no-shows. He misses 90% of the children's events, both school and church related. He even missed my masters' degree graduation ceremony! He never visits with any of my family, unless they seek him out in the garage. He doesn't travel with the children and me, whether to family or on vacation. Basically, I single-parent.
I like sex when I am connected emotionally (who doesn't?). I mentioned this once and he said "that's my problem". A conversation and a little kissing goes a long, long way. Sex is not enjoyable for me one tiny bit. He's very unhappy with the infrequency. I just want it done and over with, frequently crying in the bathroom afterwards. It used to be good, but the inattention has frozen my libido.
He has a history of drinking. He drank when we met and married. I had never been exposed to alcoholism. His first dry spell lasted five years (after a DUI with no AA support). The children were babies then. I fell in love with him all over again. Then the drinking started again. After an increasing slide, he and I had a horrible fight ending in a physical attack. The children and I left. He quit drinking and we returned after three months. I went to Al-Anon during and after this time. He had no support. That's been four years ago.
He is drinking again. He does not know that I know (as he drinks in the garage). I have suspected the drinking for about nine months. It was infrequent, but now is increasing. Patterns are returning. The smell is back.
My question (after paragraphs of history): how and when do I "confront" him? I can live with being alone emotionally and as a parent, but I will not live with an active drinker. I catch myself wanting to discuss in the evening when he's been drinking, but know that's not a good idea! In the morning, I don't want to rock the boat. Now with Christmas, I use the holidays for avoidence. I know I need to let him know that I cannot live with an active drinker; for myself and for the children. How do I start? What do I say? Do I do it now or wait until after the holidays? Before we spend some time outstate visiting my family? Or be a chicken and do it over the phone when we're gone?
I am afraid of his anger. As soon as I bring this topic up, the fury will be ugly black. Do I warn the children? Or talk in the garage so they are away from it? Two of the children have cried in anger because they think he's drinking again. I responded that I am not certain of the situation.
The rest of the emotional stuff? I don't know. Maybe the whole situation is not fixable.
Please give me some thoughts.

Wow that is awful, I am not even sure how you would start. My first thought is to call a person from Al-Anon, or talk to a therapist on how best to proceed. I don't think it is being a chicken to call while you're away, in light of the last time ending in an attack. I also think you should be honest with your children. If you do call while your away, make sure that you have somewhere to go when you get home, if you need to. I have no idea how this will affect him, will your time away give him a cooling off period, or will it just let him simmer away and end up being more violent?
Truly good luck
Rebecca
I am not trying to trivialize your situation, but I want to be sure I understand correctly. You're concerned that he will become physically abusive, correct? If that's correct, I would suggest seeing an attorney first, and proceed following their suggestions. An attorney who is familiar with domestic violence would be best as s/he will be familiar with how to navigate through his reaction. I would also not consider telling him until you have an overnight bag for yourself and each of your kids already in the car so that if need be, you can leave immediately (or never come home, if you're not at home and he blows) and still have your essentials. If you could rely on friends or family to take you in for the night that would be great, if not a hotel or if you can't afford, an abuse shelter for the night. Your safety is the most important thing. I don't see that telling him over the phone is being a chicken. You never talk face to face anyway, and most importantly, if you're concerned about his reaction, it's not chicken, it's smart. This isn't about being stand-up, it's about getting out of a situation and staying safe in the process. It doesn't matter if you're talking about physical safety or not having to endure a verbal attack, staying away and avoiding either of those situations is appropriate. If you believe he'd blow even if the kids were there, I'd say not to do it if they're with him. They shouldn't be subjected to it, and they have no place being in the middle of a confrontation/argument/discussion of this magnitude. They will confuse and tangle things. An ugly scene will turn into a very, very ugly scene, unnecessarily. If there's any question it will be at all bad, no kids anywhere on the property.
As far as when to tell him, after being safe, I say the sooner the better. There will never be a good time to tell him, there will always be some excuse that "now" is not the right time. There will always be a holiday, a birthday, a bad day at work, a death... you name it, there will never be a time that you'll say, "This would be a good day to tell him." Just take a deep breath and do it. The sooner you get it started, the sooner it will all be done. You deserve to be done with this sooner.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Just based on the history you have given and the fact that he will not be with you at the holidays, I would contact a lawyer about a separation. HE needs to be the one leaving the house so that you and the children are not disrupted. Then, if you still want to try and save the marriage, tell him that he gets into rehab, participates in an ongoing aftercare program, and agrees to couples counseling (and eventually, family counseling, so the kids can have their say, too) once he's sober, or you file for divorce right now. Depending on how things go you can hold the divorce papers at the ready, should he stop participating in aftercare.
You won't find a lawyer available until after the first of the year anyway, and I'd wait to tell the kids until you get some legal advice.
Seems to me you've been pushed to the wall and you've got to act.
LRM
Thank you all for your thoughts. As you can see, I wrote this last night. As I reread my post this morning and your subsequent responses, everything felt too extreme. I put my computer away and felt a bit silly. My husband came in for some yard help from the children and me. We all gathered, then another family-related person drove up and offered his contrary opinion. My husband's cold fury brought back my concerns from last night as the yard project was abruptly dismissed.
I can see from the responses that this is more serious that I like to think it is. I don't want to separated or divorced, but then it's what's best for the children. I can't have them thinking that this is how married people relate to each other and that drinking and anger is a way of life. I know from the past that I become a worse parent when occupied with his behavior (any co-dependent activities here?), and that I am better when focused on myself and the children.
I don't think I am concerned about physical threats, but that is likely a classic case of denial. I AM afraid of his anger - this morning was a perfect example. The children are afraid of his anger. We do what we can to minimize it and/or not be the target. I did read other postings regarding "10 Rules for Fight Fair". I will do my very best to incorporate these parameters when we talk.
Unless the opportunity arises, I will discuss this with him after Christmas. That way, we are either just leaving or have already left for a week with my family (600 miles away). This will allow him some time to evaluate and cool down. To answer Rebecca's question, I doubt he'd react violently after time. Generally, it's the initial situation that accelerates. Only once did it change from verbal to physical. Depending on how the conversation goes, I'll decide what is necessary for the children to know.
I do need to attend Al-Anon meetings. I doubt I could find one this weekend, but will search for one next week. This will ground me, thereby keep the children steady.
Partly to organize my thoughts and partly to get other's comments, this is how I plan to approach him:
1. I am concerned that alcohol may be entering our life again. This scares me, based on past history.
2. I realize he is very dissatisfied with the lack of sexual activity. I need a personal connection to him before sex, ie time together, conversation, kissing, etc. Could we get more time together?
4. I am concerned with his uninvolvement with the children; they need a dad's input, approval, and guidance. (Our oldest only has two more years in the household, then she's off to college.)
I want to be as prepared as I can be, so that I can be the most effective during this conversation. I do think we can pull this back around, but will move out if necessary. Actually, I hope he'd move out and not us, but either is a viable option.
Comments, please.
Your plan sounds resonable, but I don't see anything that includes some professional involvement - from an attorney to rehab or a therapist. Al-anon is fine, and they may have some advice for you, but I don't think it's enough.
You've tried to solve this on your own before and only had temporary, incomplete results. Don't waste any more of your or your children's time. Get help and then act decisively.
Like 2nd life, I don't mean to minimize either the seriousness of your situation, or the difficulty of doing what is necessary. Separation and divorce are emotionally wrenching. But you need to look obhectively at what you have done in the past and not do it that way again if it didn't work.
A little family story, the connection to which will be obvious, given your second post: When my mother was a child, my grandfather drank and was abusive. One day, my grandmother opened all the doors in the row house in which they lived, so she'd have a straight shot out into the street. As he slept in his easy chair, grandma struck him on the head with a cast iron frying pan, enough to wake him, but not knock him out. As she ran out the door, she said "If you ever touch me or one of my kids again, I'll kill you in your sleep."
A bit dramatic, I admit, and I certainly would not suggest this course of action today. However, it worked for grandma, and by the time my cousins and I came along, grandpa was sweet and loving. We (the grandkids) weren't told the story until we were adults, and it was told as a humorous annecdote at that. But the point is, if you want to give the marriage a shot, you may have to hold that hammer (or frying pan) of divorce over his head until he's vested in his recovery and family therapy.
Good luck to you.
LRM
I like your analogy!
Thank you.
I think too that your husband should be the one who leaves the house, and I don't think any judge would see it any differently. Uprooting and disrupting your kids is not something that's looked upon favorably by the courts. Seeing an attorney before you take action will likely be very helpful in seeing that your husband is the one who goes.
About the points you're going to bring up when you talk to him. I'm not sure you're saying that you'll be asking him to either change these things or are just giving them as reasons that you're through. If you're saying that if these things would change you'd be willing to continue, you know, of course, that behaviors that have been in place for years are not going to change overnight, or over months period of time, and alcoholism will take a good year before you can be sure he's got it under control, has a program that he maintains to support his maintained sobriety, and have had enough time to see that he's serious about sobriety and is continuing these programs (and his sobriety). Even if he says he's willing to change, it will be a work in progress, and it will be a good year before you can see result. That being the case, I'd say no question that living separately during that time is important for you and the kids - for your peace and quality of life. It will also serve as a good barrier so that if he doesn't succeed you'll have watched from a distance rather than be fully involved, which will make it easier for you and your children to remain separate and likely make it permanent. If these items are being pointed out as reasons for ending, I don't think there's a need, and he may well jump up and insist he'll change. If you're done, what's the point in going through that scene? It won't matter what he says he's willing to try, you're done. Often, I find women think they have to have a reason to end a marriage, I know I did. As though being miserable in the life you have isn't enough. I'm here to tell you it is enough. You need tell him nothing more than I'm unhappy and I won't live like this anymore. He can't argue with what you feel and what you want. When you involve him (you're drinking, you're inattentiveness to the kids) you give him cause to tell you how that might change, and frankly, at this point, it doesn't matter.
Best of luck with whatever you decide. You deserve much better than you're getting, and your kids deserve better than to grow up in such a household as well. I can tell you leaving my husband had a very positive effect on my kids and I'm absolutely certain it's a great benefit to them as they grow.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"