I really need some advice/suggestions
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| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 8:07pm |
The last thread I created I didn't get very many responses. Therefore, I'm not sure if I am welcome back here. I hope to try this forum again. Like I've
mentioned before in one of my threads, I don't have many friends and the friends I do have, they all know my hubby. I'm hoping I can still reach out to
everyone here on this board.
The last thread I created, I was 90% sure I wanted a divorce, however, since then my mind has changed. I want to work on this marriage but I feel like I'm
the only one that does. Today, my hubby and I got into another one of our fights. As my hubby is leaving to help his brother out, I see him get into his
truck as I'm pulling onto the driveway. The conversation went like this:
Me: Bye. See you tonight ***My hubby has been helping his brother finish building his house for the last couple of weeks
Hubby: What? Did you say Hi or Bye?
Me: I said bye ***Thinking its weird saying bye. ***He saw me pull onto the driveway but yet still gets in his truck...doesn't wait and at least give me a
kiss or saying "see you tonight"
Hubby: Oh, I didn't hear you. Bye
Me: ***Walking to the mailbox
Hubby: ***As he pulling out, he rolls down the window. He then says "My mom called and wants us to bring something for tomorrow night
Me: Do you want me to go to the store and get a pie?
Hubby: No, I'll figure it out
Me: ***I have just felt unappreciated because he doesn't want my help
Hubby: If I don't get anything, I guess I won't go
Me: Why?
Hubby: Because I don't want to go to my parent's house empty handed
Me: That's why I offered to go to the store
Hubby: No, its ok. I'll think of something
Me: Is there a reason why you don't want my help? I offered to go to the store.
Hubby: Its my family, so, I'll think of something
Me: Why does it have to be like this. Its your family so its your responsibility? I thought it was "Our" family. Why do we have to divide this?
Hubby: Because you said you didn't want to go to the store
Me: But I just offered now to go to the store
Hubby: Like I said, I'll figure something out
Me: You don't want my help and you don't want my affection. Its always me that is initiating affection. And lately, I've been asking you for a kiss.
Sure, I say it jokingly "hey honey can I get a kiss", but deep down I feel you don't want to kiss me. I shouldn't have to ask my hubby to kiss me. That is
just wrong. Do you want to still be married? Because you sure aren't happy with me. Hell, we can't even have a discussion without getting into a fight.
Hubby: I just don't want to talk about it. You don't listen. You accuse me and blame me.
Me: And you don't?
Hubby: That's why I don't want to talk about it. I let myself get in this S**t and I have to deal with it?
Me: WTF? What does that mean? Are you saying this marriage is s**t?
Hubby: I didn't say that
Me: Yes you did.
Hubby: This is not a good time to talk about this. I have things to do. I still have to get your x-mas gift and then I need to help my brother
Me: No time is good because you never want to talk
****By this time we are both yelling
I just don't know what to do. I want to work on my marriage but I just don't speak his language.
Can someone explain what he meant by "I let myself get in this S**T and I have to deal with it? Obviously I have no clue
How can I honestly tell him I want an open communication. I feel like writing him a letter, but the last letter I wrote to him, it didn't work. ***I typed
the letter in one of my pas threads and I remember iv_aisha stated that it was a very good letter and there was no way to misinterpret the letter....but he
did
Maybe the letter should say something like:
I know there is a communication barrier for us. I know I am part of the blame. I don't blame you for not telling me how you feel because the times that we
have tried to communicate I've been accussatory and pointed the blame at you. I want to better myself in not doing that. I want to really listen to you as
well as do a better job in accepting my actions have hurt you. I hope I can show you that I will do my part.
Do you think that would help?
He doesn't want to go to counseling and I went to counseling but my counselor would always say "I wish your hubby was here" or "It would really help it if he
was here". I was bothered by those statements because I also wanted that but my hubby will not go to counseling. Since I started my new job, I haven't been
to counseling because she doesn't work at night and when my counselor does have appointments at night, its very limited. I don't want to start with a new
counselor because I've already invested in so much emtions with this counselor that I don't want to start again with a new one.
That's why I'm hoping I can reach to the members on this board again.

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Casey, I'm sure you're quite welcome here. However, I suspect that the reason you aren't attracting many posts is because people have no new ideas for you. At least, that's how I feel. If I were to reply, it would only be to tell you the same things I've written many times before.
As this argument is a carbon copy of many others you've posted, perhaps you would do well to go back and re-read the good advice given on old posts.
take care, Aisha.
casey0201,
This post IS the same as all the other fights that you have posted before. The both of you have short fuses and get defensive very easily and quickly.
<Me: I said bye ***Thinking its weird saying bye. ***He saw me pull onto the driveway but yet still gets in his truck...doesn't wait and at least give me a kiss or saying "see you tonight">>
While I agree that atleast giving you a kiss and saying something to you would have been nice, the "hi" "bye" part doesn't matter and shouldn't have been something that you put any thought into. If the car was running there is a GOOD possiblity that he didn't hear you and the words do sound alot alike.
<Me: And you don't?
Hubby: That's why I don't want to talk about it. I let myself get in this S**t and I have to deal with it?
Me: WTF? What does that mean? Are you saying this marriage is s**t?
Hubby: I didn't say that
Me: Yes you did.>>
Actually no he didn't. You took it that way because of your defensiveness. He was talking about the stuff being the fights that you always seem to get in not the marriage.
I think that aisha was correct in saying that you probably don't get many replies because there is nothing new that we can say to you. Personally I wouldn't want to be in your marriage there is just too much anger and hurt feelings and you two can't seem to communiate in any way without that coming out. I think your husbands fuse is so short because of all the fighting you two do and I think that your fuse is short because alot of the time you try to read too much into things and you are very sensitive and take things the wrong way. I think another part of it is that if alot of us were in your shoes we wouldn't keep hashing things out and being this miserable by staying in this marriage. I know personally I would have filed for divorce long ago. Life is too short to be this miserable for this long.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I want that loving feeling again
Need some suggestions
My hubby and I have tension
Things are better but.......
Here's one of our "stupid" fights
Delicate Subject
Here's another one....I know, I know
Am I really wrong???
Would this help?
We had another fight
Anyone have a clue?
Thanks for all your responses.
I'm Back
Casey, the severity of your problem, the fact that you are so unsure how to interact with your husband as well as the serious uncertainty you have about what direction to go (from being sure you wanted out to not being sure now) all point strongly to the fact that this is a much bigger issue than you can resolve on your own, or with the help of lay people on a board. I know you don't agree, and I know you don't want to go, but a licensed therapist to work on you is the best thing you can do. When you're sure about what you want, how you feel, what you'll accept and know that you're behaving in a healthy, appropriate way, you'll be able to make appropriate and sure decisions about how to proceed. No one can make you husband do anything or act any other way than he chooses to - no one, not you, not us, not a therapist. The only person you can work on is you, and by doing that, you can change everything - you will change your life for the better.
The more you post, Casey, the more you show that you need real help. Huge hugs and best of luck ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Have you ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey? I know that book is usually considered cheap pop psychology, but the conversation you posted looks like it was copied and pasted from one of the "to avoid at all costs" examples, so perhaps the explanations he gives might help you understand why your husband is reacting the way his is.
In less "pop" advice, I agree with 2nd life about looking into therapy. We get this idea that therapy is just for people with anxiety and depression, but in reality therapy is a place to develop living skills. If one-on-one therapy isn't for you, you could ask a psychologist if he or she knows of any groups or workshops on interpersonal communication or conflict management. It might even be more effective to be part of a group because that way you can rehearse situations and learn from other people's experiences. Plus, learning to fight better doesn't just help with marriage, it helps with jobs, with kids, with rude strangers...
Edited 12/26/2006 2:26 am ET by iv_aisha2004
After thinking again about this thread, I couldn't fight the urge to "translate" the conversation you posted. I agree completely with what defleppardgal explained, but I felt like providing an alternative interpretation to the parts she didn't cover. What I'm going to write isn't necessarily what he was thinking, it's just an example to show how he might have understood words differently from you. I'm basing it on the little I know about men, about how they like to feel useful and hate it when they're made to feel incompetant.
I'll post the "translations" in brackets underneath the different replies. Things posted under his replies is what he could have meant by what he said. Things posted under your replies is how he could have interpreted what you said.
* * *
Me: Bye. See you tonight ***My hubby has been helping his brother finish building his house for the last couple of weeks
Hubby: What? Did you say Hi or Bye?
Me: I said bye ***Thinking its weird saying bye. ***He saw me pull onto the driveway but yet still gets in his truck...doesn't wait and at least give me a kiss or saying "see you tonight"
Hubby: Oh, I didn't hear you. Bye
Me: ***Walking to the mailbox
Hubby: ***As he pulling out, he rolls down the window. He then says "My mom called and wants us to bring something for tomorrow night
Me: Do you want me to go to the store and get a pie?
Hubby: No, I'll figure it out
Me: ***I have just felt unappreciated because he doesn't want my help
Hubby: If I don't get anything, I guess I won't go
Me: Why?
Hubby: Because I don't want to go to my parent's house empty handed
Me: That's why I offered to go to the store
Hubby: No, its ok. I'll think of something
Me: Is there a reason why you don't want my help? I offered to go to the store.
Hubby: Its my family, so, I'll think of something
Me: Why does it have to be like this. Its your family so its your responsibility? I thought it was "Our" family. Why do we have to divide this?
Hubby: Because you said you didn't want to go to the store
Me: But I just offered now to go to the store
Hubby: Like I said, I'll figure something out
Me: You don't want my help and you don't want my affection. Its always me that is initiating affection. And lately, I've been asking you for a kiss. Sure, I say it jokingly "hey honey can I get a kiss", but deep down I feel you don't want to kiss me. I shouldn't have to ask my hubby to kiss me. That is just wrong. Do you want to still be married? Because you sure aren't happy with me. Hell, we can't even have a discussion without getting into a fight.
Hubby: I just don't want to talk about it. You don't listen. You accuse me and blame me.
Me: And you don't?
Hubby: That's why I don't want to talk about it. I let myself get in this S**t and I have to deal with it?
Me: WTF? What does that mean? Are you saying this marriage is s**t?
Hubby: I didn't say that
Me: Yes you did.
Hubby: This is not a good time to talk about this. I have things to do. I still have to get your x-mas gift and then I need to help my brother
Me: No time is good because you never want to talk
****By this time we are both yelling
* * *
Any advice on that perticular conversation? Let the poor man be useful. He wants to impress you and you shoot him down. If he says he wants to take care of something, let him. You scold him before he even makes his mistakes. Next time he offers to do something, give him a big smile and say "ok, I trust you!".
Also, don't skip from one thing to another. You probably confused the heck out of him by going from "I want to do something for your family" to "you never listen". Other people aren't in your head and can't follow your train of thought.
Finally, he is right about that being a bad time. He's on his way out. His mind is set on helping his brother, not on conflict resolution. Wait until a good moment and if he blows you off at that time, then you can blame him. It's also not a good idea to generalise. Since there's probably at least one occasion in his life where he wanted to talk about it, by saying "never" you are lying.
Hi Casey,
I am glad to hear that you got a job. Last time I was on this board you were looking for one. I'm sure it gives you something to focus on, be a part of, and maybe a way to make some new friends.
Once again I will say to try and keep your conversation/argument on ONE topic. When you are discussing who will go to the grocery store then keep the conversation on that subject. The time to work out who will kiss who and when is not at that moment. That is one of the things you always read in books and articles, stick to the subject at hand.
It's really not all that unusual for a man to see you coming and go ahead and start backing out the car, and I wouldn't read anything at all into that. My DH would do the same and there would be no hidden meaning, no reason for him not waiting to kiss me goodby other than he's not me, and he does things his way not mine.
Now, I agree that your husband did keep the argument going about who would go to the store, you both did. If he says "no, I'll think of something" then you might (while walking over to him in his truck) say something like "ok babe, but if you do want me to help out and get something just let me know, I'd be happy to". Don't give him a chance to keep the argument going. YOU lean in and give him a quick kiss, tell him you'll see him later, and walk to the house.
Ok now, my DH and I have little disagreements about stupid stuff from time to time, we all do. HOWEVER, you two are arguing over a pie, who will go to the store, and who kisses or doesn't kiss who. We've all been there at one time or another, BUT all the sudden you are asking him if he want to still be married??? WOW, that's a HUGE topic and a HUGE decision. I find it hard to believe something that serious and life changing has a place in a conversation about a pie. I would think a conversation as serious as if you two want to stay married would require a lot of thought, and a special time and place to discuss. It almost sounds like you throw it out there as a challenge to him, a test to see if he'll take you up on it or not.
You can't change him Casey, so don't try, you can only change you. Wouldn't we all like to change certain things about our spouses? Why shouldn't you ask your hubby for a kiss?If it were up to my DH I'd never get a kiss hello, goodbye, etc. He's not physical that way. Since it's important to me, I stand at the door each day and hug and kiss him goodbye. I do it, cause it's important to me. It doesn't have to be important to my DH. Giving you a hug and kiss doesn't have to be important to your DH because he's not you. If it's important to you, YOU do it.
Just keep in mind that you have things that you feel are very important to you, but your DH may have a whole different set of things that are important to him. Don't expect him to put the same importance on things as you do. Let him be an individual,and sometimes let him be right!!! :-)
I agree with others that your posts are like your old posts but I would suggest you get a new counselor. One that is okay with just working on you. To sit there while a counselor says I wish your husband was here is the counselor saying "I can only go so far with you if he's not here." A good counselor can go very far with you.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, your marriage may be doomed, but you are not doomed if you want to grow and change...a good counselor will work with you on that and not be so focused on his absence.
You can read Deborah Tannen's books on female/male communication but I think the issues go deeper than that. I think your communication issues are the symptom of a much deeper problem and without counseling, I don't see it resolving itself.
Get counseling for you. A good therapist will help you with whatever you need and not be upset that he is not there.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."
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Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
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I'm guessing the reason why I have a hard time in keeping to ONE subject, is everything just builds up and then when we get into a fight, all the stuff I kept in just explodes.
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I feel the last couple of months its been ME that initiates affection. If I don't initiate affection, then there's NO affection at all.
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Divorce has been on my mind alot. He tells me he wants to still be married. I don't understand why he feels that way because when we argue, he throw it out there and says stuff like "Will divorce me", therefore, since he brings it up, I thought I would be the first to bring it up. I know its childish, but it frustrates me that he even brings it up....but it baffles me that eventhough he brings it up, he STILL wants to be married.
There's another reason why I brought up if he still wants to be married. And that is, he's just not into me anymore. He hardly initiates affection and we haven't had sex in several months.
I had a conversation with him the other day and believe it or not, it was short and to the point and very calm conversation.
The conversation went something like this:
I know there is a communication barrier between us. I have been accusatory and pointed the blame at you. I take responsibility for my action and I was insensitive to your feelings. I want to be more sensitive to your feelings because your feelings are important too. I feel hurt because I just don't think you are into me anymore and it hurts more than you realize. But I understand your feelings are hurt by my actions with the accusation and blaming and I don't blame you for being this way. If the situation was turned around, I would probably react the same as you. I want to better myself in not being accusatory or blaming. I really want to listen to you as well as do a better job in accepting my actions have hurt you. I hope I can show you that I will do my part." ***End of conversation
I said this to him the day after x-mas. All he did was listen and he nodded his head. It felt like he really listened. I'm guessing because this wasn't one of our normal conversation. I hope he noticed that I put the blame on me for the reason he doesn't share things with me. I also took responsibility for the hurt that I have caused him. Maybe that's why I feel he's probably not that into me. I can accept it and do my part in doing better. I just hope its not too late.
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