Help me make sense of this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Help me make sense of this
8
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:43pm

Hi, just a little background about me. I am 38 and my SO is 46. We have both been married before and dating for over a year. When we first started dating we spent the majority of the time I my place. He had a key to my place because when he would leave at night I didn't want to get up to lock the door. Well all was fine until about 2 maybe 3 months ago. I started telling him that I wanted to spend time at his house sometime and then he would say "well, we put all the grocery at your house"...I was like fine we eat out about twice a week so those days we can stay at your house, well this never happen. Then one day I emailed him from work and told him I was going to come to his place after I finish at the gym but he was at my house when I got home. We got into another discussion about how to spend time at his and my place and then he turned it into a "you don't trust me" issue.

He gave me back the key to my place and said from now on we will spend all of our time together at his place so I can see that there is nothing to not trust him about. All I want to know is "how crazy is this to others"? It's the weirdest thing, I don't want to spend time at his house just to prove a point that nothing is going on. He constantly talks about getting married and we have even looked at places but why did it turn into such an issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:41pm
Have you been to his place yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 8:44pm

It does sound like an overreaction.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:05am

To the poster before this one, (sorry can't remember your name)....No I haven't been here before this was my first time.

Susan, you are right. I went over to his house we talked and basically he feels like I am comparing him to my ex and reacting to him in a certain way because my ex cheated on me. I can not believe I even wrote this but thank you two so much for answering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:55am
You two have been dating a year and you only just now went to his house for the first time?
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:03am
I agree Kim, I'm not trying to stir up trouble where none exists, but I can't believe this resolves as easily as a "communication problem". First of all, not having been to his place after an entire year of dating is extremely odd and brings up some big red flags on its own, but being accused of "not trusting" and feeling he's "being compared to the ex" is unwarranted and makes no sense. Expecting to spend time at your s/o's place isn't odd, it's normal. It doesn't bring up suspicion of lack of trust or being compared to anyone else. His reaction brings up lots of questions about his motivation to keep her from his place, IMO.


What's he afraid she'll find out?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:01am
I'm the "poster before"--I was actually wondering if you have been to HIS place yet. You mention a lot of discussion, but not an actual visit, so I was wondering if he was using this manipulation as another way to keep you separated from his real life. Have you met any of his friends, or his family?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:55am
And now I see that you HAVE been there at last. Now I'm agreeing with cl-2nd_life: there's more going on than the two of you have discussed so far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:23am

Hi ladies, thanks for the replies. Yes, I have been to his house before BUT the majority of the time has always been at my house. If we went grocery shopping we brought the food to my house and cooked it here. We have friends over for get togethers at my house. I have a 2 bedroom apartment and he has a 1 bedroom apartment. Sure my apartment is a tad bit more up to date but his place is nice also. When I had my partial hysterectomy the first of the year I stayed at his place so he could take care of me and because it was closer to his job so if I needed him he could get there faster.

The problems started at the beginning of the holiday seasons. We both have traditions of going to our family member houses for dinner and things and they pretty much ended up on the same nights on both sides so we would do our thing together then we each went off to our family member houses. My son is 8 and I wanted him to continue to spend the same time at my mom's with his cousins and his son is 18 and they went and did there normal thing.

Now back to the COMPLETE overreaction thing he did. He seems to be looking at it like he has completely tried to be fair over the season and I'm just now coming up with his apartment issue. We had a tree trimming party at my house, we went to his company dinner together, we did the christmas shopping together, we sat around and had drinks and listen to music and at the end when it was time for him to go to his aunt's house and I had to take my back to his dad, then the issue of his apartment came up.

I had to ask myself if I really trusted him and the answer is yes, I think I'm ready to live in one house.