Simple Question for the Experienced

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Simple Question for the Experienced
12
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:58am

Last night I got into bed around 11:30ish. I get up between 7:15-7:30 and try to get 8 hours even though it is usually 7 hours of sleep. My problem is that my husband (who has erratic work hours) will stay up pretty late which in turn causes me to not fall asleep or wake up every 5 minutes will he gets in bed. Often times I have woken up at 1:00 am and he is still down there watching TV. I know that he is his own person and can make his own decisions, but we got into a fight last night because I asked him if he could go to bed sometime around the time I go to bed. Any advice for us? This isn't a major problem, but I am worried this could get worse. Thanks:)

Caroline

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:20am

Welcome back Carolinenw ~ Of course I recognized you as soon as I peeked in on the board. I won't be able to get to your post for a wjile yet, but I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts as soon as I could so that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your situation and history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old posts too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:

Help...I am at the end
I really need some help:(







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:30am
Awww bedtime, that use to be a issue in my relationship. My boyfriend spends the night at my house most nights and I can be a bit of a knight hawk and he goes to bed at 10 like clock work. It took some getting use to but now it's not so much of an issue. Maybe if you two can talk about it calmly and explain to him that you will sleep better with him in the bed he will compromise and come to bed with you until you are sleep and if he still needs to catch CNN, he can get up once you are sleep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:35am
Thanks for the reply. I am a light sleeper and that is most of the problem. We talked about it last night and he got MAD! He said that since he is 30 he can go to bed whenever he wanted. If you ask me, he sounded rather like a 12 year getting to stay up on a Friday night. The sex is at least once a week so that isn't the real problem. I just can't get a good nights sleep unless he is in bed with me (I have trouble sleeping). Whatever answers I get I will take to heart. Like I said...I am very new to this marriage thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:51am
I think it's the season. Me and my boyfriend got into about going to his apartment. Now mind you this has never been an issue before. We have always been at my apartment but all of a sudden it was an issue about going to his apartment. It was a stupid arguement especially when you look at the whole picture and the time we spend together in person and on the phone. I mean we eat dinner together ever night after I get from the gym. He leaves in the morning with just enough time to get dressed and for some reason NOW I wanted to go to his apartment. I really don't like being over there, Not even sure why I even brought it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:57am
I think it is just them trying to be independent. When it comes down to it they are very much "Men are from Mars". I know my husband will be so wonderful to me and seeing me everyday and loving it and then about a week goes by and he is Mr. Independent...blah blah blah. I try not to let it effect me, but it gets to me sometimes. Through this post I realize this is probably another one of those times. We were with each other almost the entire time for the last 6 days.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:01pm
Sometime writing it out and going back to read what you wrote helps to sort out things. I was completely floored yesterday but after thinking about the whole picture I can see clearer now. One thing is for certain, Relationships take work and there will be ups and downs. The key ingredients are Trust and Communications. That doesn't mean that the two people involved in the relationship will not get off the track at times (because no one has all the answers) but it does mean use the tools you have to make life work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:13pm

You two are both grown adults and he has the right to go to bed whenever he wants -- you say "I think it is just them trying to be independent" like he's a teenager and you're his mother.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:49pm
Caroline, there are a lot of aspects that could come into play in this situation. First of all, you say he works erratic hours. Does that mean there are times that he has to work late nights? If he's not simply a night person (like me), his internal clock may be out of whack due to his erratic sleep hours and he may not be able to sleep as he normally would. If he has to work odd hours often, I doubt he'd be able to get into the habit of going to sleep at a specific time.


I also don't know how you approached the subject, and approach can be everything. From what you've said, he felt dictated to, which would indicate that your approach wasn't what it could have been. In your past posts you indicated he's not happy with his job. If he blames his job for his sleep hours and inability to sleep when you sleep, it's possible the anger he tossed at you is really frustration and anger about his job. It's also possible that due to his job situation he feels inadequate or out of control of his life. If either of those are the case, that could easily explain his reaction. More input from you would help narrow down the reasons for his reaction.

Here is some great information on constructive arguing that might help a lot:

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

How are things going in his search for a new job? Has he changed his








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:54pm

I agree with Kimbirdy. You need to learn to sleep on your own. In our house, I'm the early to bed person, and I've long learned to go to sleep without my husband. This was especially important when my husband was working erratic hours - as a shiftworker he needed to listen to his body and sleep when he was tired.

What you are wanting your husband to do will throw his bodyclock out of kilter and he'll end up having sleep issues. To ensure a good sleep, we should go to bed when tired - not before.

Also, there's nothing in the world more irritating than going to bed when not tired and lying awake next to someone who's sleeping soundly.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:11am
Me & H had that problem for a while. He goes to bed at 9 or 10
because he gets up earlier than me, & he needs 8-10 hrs of sleep.
I sleep usually about 6-8 hours, & and not ever tired before 11 or so.
If I want any time at all to myself, to read or whatnot,
I have to wait till H & kids are in bed.
Otherwise it's mom do this, mom where's that, mom can I, honey help me with this,
honey where's my that, mom will you this..........
I LOVE my night hours where I can get some peace & quiet.
I'd go crazy if I didn't get a couple of peaceful hours late at night.

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