division of housework
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division of housework
| Fri, 12-29-2006 - 7:36pm |
Hi everyone,
I have a question for all of you. How do you decide to share housework with your spouse? My husband and I have always had spats regarding housework. We were getting along beautifully the last few months, but in the last month we've had a spat every week regarding housework. Here is my side of the story: I feel that I have to take the lead regarding everything domestic. I have to tell him what to do and then it gets done. That too, sometimes days after I tell him. If I dont tell him the chore will never get done. For instance taking out the trash. It's his chore and unless I remind him every week he wont take it out. If I ask him to clean the bathroom he will do a light superficial job of it, without really cleaning it. He doesnt clean unless I ask him nicely. I hesitate to ask him because I am afraid of being shot down. I think that he looks for excuses not to clean.. and I give up and do it on my own because I'm afraid of fighting about it. This weekend we fought over cleaning the kitchen. I asked him to clean the kitchen before we left for christmas so that we'd be able to come home to a clean house. I had already cleaned the rest of the house. He refused to do it. The day before he left he said that he's "feeling lazy" so maybe he would clean it after we came back. I didnt say much.. just hesitantly said okay. We were having a really nice time together, so I think that I didnt want to rock the boat. The day we were leaving not only was the stove and the floor a mess, but in making breakfast he had messed up all the countertops and other parts of the kitchen. It just mad me see red and I started telling him how frustrated I was about the cleaning situation and that I'm always doing the cleaning blah blah....
My husband was quiet at first and then he also lost his temper and started YELLING at me.. I wasnt even angry, just really frustrated and he actually started raising his voice at me, telling to stop "nagging". Anyway it became this huge blown out fight where I said that I wouldnt get on the plane (which left within three hours of this fight) unless he said that he wouldnt raise his voice at me ever again. He reluctantly promised.. He was trying to twist it around saying that I 'provoke' him to raise his voice. I told him that he could walk away if he thought that I was provoking him to lose his temper, but I wouldnt tolerate yelling.
I am still really upset over the whole situation. His side of the story is this : he feels that he DOES actually do his share of the housework (I assure you that he doesnt... he washes dishes maybe 2 times a week for every 5 times I was them.. he never cleans.. he just doesnt like doing housework) and he actually BELIEVES that he does AS MUCh as I do.. which is complete *@&^#* to me... it's a load of crap. He has an awfully selective memory and since he actually believes that he does as much as I do, he thinks that I am extremely difficult to please and quite picky. Oh.. and he thinks I "order" him around.. the point is that unless I order him around nothing ever gets done.. I tell him as nicely as I can, but even that is apparently "ordering".!!
Anyway, I just dont know what to do. Earlier on in the semester he cooked quite a bit and I was doing all the dishes without expecting him to pitch in. So we got along.. it seems that whenever I expect something from him it turns into a fight.
How do we fix this? We wont agree on who does how much of the housework... so do I just have to accept that this is the way it is going to be, and resign myself to do doing 70% of the housework?
How can we communicate better? Please dont tell us to go to couples counselling.. I dont have time. I'd rather just do everything myself! We get along really well otherwise.. we do have small issues that we are each defensive about, but otherwise we are best friends, and have a really wonderful relationship, good sex.. and just everything you'd want in a happy marriage. it's just the cleaning thing that we fight regularly about.. oh that and his sister, when she pulls one of her stunts (but these fights are very very rare these days).
thanks so much for reading the novel and you all do know how much I welcome and appreciate your advice.
I have a question for all of you. How do you decide to share housework with your spouse? My husband and I have always had spats regarding housework. We were getting along beautifully the last few months, but in the last month we've had a spat every week regarding housework. Here is my side of the story: I feel that I have to take the lead regarding everything domestic. I have to tell him what to do and then it gets done. That too, sometimes days after I tell him. If I dont tell him the chore will never get done. For instance taking out the trash. It's his chore and unless I remind him every week he wont take it out. If I ask him to clean the bathroom he will do a light superficial job of it, without really cleaning it. He doesnt clean unless I ask him nicely. I hesitate to ask him because I am afraid of being shot down. I think that he looks for excuses not to clean.. and I give up and do it on my own because I'm afraid of fighting about it. This weekend we fought over cleaning the kitchen. I asked him to clean the kitchen before we left for christmas so that we'd be able to come home to a clean house. I had already cleaned the rest of the house. He refused to do it. The day before he left he said that he's "feeling lazy" so maybe he would clean it after we came back. I didnt say much.. just hesitantly said okay. We were having a really nice time together, so I think that I didnt want to rock the boat. The day we were leaving not only was the stove and the floor a mess, but in making breakfast he had messed up all the countertops and other parts of the kitchen. It just mad me see red and I started telling him how frustrated I was about the cleaning situation and that I'm always doing the cleaning blah blah....
My husband was quiet at first and then he also lost his temper and started YELLING at me.. I wasnt even angry, just really frustrated and he actually started raising his voice at me, telling to stop "nagging". Anyway it became this huge blown out fight where I said that I wouldnt get on the plane (which left within three hours of this fight) unless he said that he wouldnt raise his voice at me ever again. He reluctantly promised.. He was trying to twist it around saying that I 'provoke' him to raise his voice. I told him that he could walk away if he thought that I was provoking him to lose his temper, but I wouldnt tolerate yelling.
I am still really upset over the whole situation. His side of the story is this : he feels that he DOES actually do his share of the housework (I assure you that he doesnt... he washes dishes maybe 2 times a week for every 5 times I was them.. he never cleans.. he just doesnt like doing housework) and he actually BELIEVES that he does AS MUCh as I do.. which is complete *@&^#* to me... it's a load of crap. He has an awfully selective memory and since he actually believes that he does as much as I do, he thinks that I am extremely difficult to please and quite picky. Oh.. and he thinks I "order" him around.. the point is that unless I order him around nothing ever gets done.. I tell him as nicely as I can, but even that is apparently "ordering".!!
Anyway, I just dont know what to do. Earlier on in the semester he cooked quite a bit and I was doing all the dishes without expecting him to pitch in. So we got along.. it seems that whenever I expect something from him it turns into a fight.
How do we fix this? We wont agree on who does how much of the housework... so do I just have to accept that this is the way it is going to be, and resign myself to do doing 70% of the housework?
How can we communicate better? Please dont tell us to go to couples counselling.. I dont have time. I'd rather just do everything myself! We get along really well otherwise.. we do have small issues that we are each defensive about, but otherwise we are best friends, and have a really wonderful relationship, good sex.. and just everything you'd want in a happy marriage. it's just the cleaning thing that we fight regularly about.. oh that and his sister, when she pulls one of her stunts (but these fights are very very rare these days).
thanks so much for reading the novel and you all do know how much I welcome and appreciate your advice.

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Advice needed
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi eveyone
Thanks for your reply. mountainmama I think I understand what you're saying, and I have to say that I dont really think it's a question of control or perfectionism. I am really not picky about cleanliness, if that's what you interpreted from my message... trust me.. you should walk into my kitchen ..:) I'll definitely visit the site you pointed me to. I am sure it'll help.. maybe it will change my perspective on this.
I realized that I AM more exacting than other women, in that I expect division of housework to be truly 50-50 because we are both graduate students. A lot of my friends are more relenting and take on more than their partners sometimes. They think I expect too much.. and you all seem to be saying the same thing. My uncle said that it's never ALWAYS 50-50.. sometimes it is 70-30 and sometimes 30-70.. and I am beginning to understand what he meant. I am realizing that maybe it's okay for my husband to not do his exact share of dishes because I do have to admit that he makes up in other ways. He does do things that I dont notice, and they all add up... and when we made up after the fight he pointed that out to me, and I agree with him. We have also started washing dishes on alternate days, so it's more equal now.. and there is less room for disagreeing on who washed how many.
I do realize that I have to stop measuring how much I am doing and how much he is doing. Because he does do his 50% in other ways.. and looking back I sort of feel mean for being so exacting about this, especially because he is SO good to me and even at my angriest moments I can;t deny that he is a nurturing and generous soul. I get like this because I really AM on a tight schedule and from 8 am each minute in my day is accounted for.. and I tend to just take it out on him if I find that I can't have it ALL... great grades AND a super clean house. I havent been exactly fair. That said, I think that he realizes that he also tends to step up more with washing dishes and procrastinate less. We have been cooperating since that fight.. I hope it stays this way.
It will get better when he graduates this year and gets a job and we can finally pay for cleaning service. That is the first thing we are getting, indeed! I also think that I will be less stressed out this year because my workload will be considerably less.
Of course it's not worth breaking up a marriage for this. I do know that I married a truly wonderful man.. and I know that at times I do take it for granted. I do appreciate how hard it is to find a partner you can truly respect and enjoy.. and I guess that I should be more grateful for what I have, and stop complaining about small things.
Thanks for the message, all of you , .. sometimes I need a wake up call like that.
ETA: I agree with what you guys said about accepting that I will just have to tell him what to do and give him reminders... sigh.. that is just the way it's going to be. the post-it on the fridge reminder system worked well for a few months, and most of my friends seem to do that. so I guess we'll just go back to doing that.
Edited 1/12/2007 11:13 pm ET by ingie2004
With my partner we use a mangetic notepad on the refrigerator with a line down the middle. One side mine the other his. It has all our regular chores on it-trash, p/u mail, laundry, etc. But as we each think of things we or the other person needs to do we can add to the list. We cross things off as we get them done.
I also think you guys need to sit down with a list of duties and take turns choosing which ones you will each do until they are all done. Then there is no issue with clarity or expectations. Agree to meet each week or so to do this until it becomes habit. Then DO NOT DO THE OTHER PERSONS WORK! It's hard but you may have to let things slide. Make sure it''s on the list, you've discussed it and there is a deadline for re avaluation but make him take responsibility for his own stuff. If you start out being his mom early on you are going to resent it down the road when he's not helping with the housework OR kids.
Flylady is great too.
Here's a man's point of view. We share everything 50/50. We split all household expenses that we share any part in, exactly in the middle: rent, electricity, food, heat, gas for the vehicle, etc. We both work full time and have relatively equal pay. However, we both pay our mobile phone bills separately. Expenses specific to either her kids or my kids are split, even though it isn't an actual tally, since her kids live with us and mine don't.
Housework is an issue, although this week we both wrote "to-do lists" and then compared. We had several things in common, the sharing of them was obvious. I did, however, trade off my part of the vacuuming to take cleaning the storage unit. I hate vacuuming.
The clashes have come in the past because we take different breaks. I go to the computer for a break, she wants to work until everything is completed. I'm taking a break right now, she has already gone to bed. I've got an hour more of repacking boxes.
My suggestion is to not nag, it never works for/on me. Be prepared to re-visit the subject many times. Try to split tasks along lines of which ones are preferred. Write tasks on a "to-do list" but don't set expectations too high as to how much gets done.
Oh, and by the way, I wasn't this helpful in my first marriage. We men are slow learners. lol
Ingie, in your response you said you felt that your expectations were too high. That's possible, but I'm not sure based on that one statement. Do your friends and family see you as a "clean freak", do they feel your standards are over the top? If so, then your expectations most likely are too high. You'll have to adjust your standards for the chores he does as they'll be done to his standards, not yours; and you;ll have to accept that. If though, when you say your expectations are too high you mean that you're unreasonable to think your husband will do his share, I'd say you're expectations are not too high or unreasonable. There's no reason that you should have to work in a job and come home to do all or most of the housework too.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi everyone
thanks for your responses. We have started making to-do lists and putting them on the fridge. let's see how this arrangement pans out.
cl: I think that the advice I've been given is: a relationship is not really going to be exactly equal in all respects. different people invest in different aspects of the relationship in different amounts. Therefore one person may do more housework but the other would cover bank/car chores for example..
My friends think that expecting things to be done within MY timeframe as opposed to HIS is wrong, when we have agreed on a set of chores. This has been the main source of conflict. My husband will do the chores.. but he'll do them after forgetting several times (he IS really exceptionally forgetful about most things.. typical of an academic) and then procrastinating some more. So in the meantime I will be seething and getting irritated every time I walk into the kitchen, until I'll break down in a few hours and clean up, myself and then he'll come running and say "I'll do it now". It leads me to resent him because I think: if he can jolly well offer to do it when I am doing it then he could have done it earlier. And he thinks: everything has to be done on HER schedule.. and he has hinted that he thinks it's a tad controlling.
Anyway.. so most of you seem to think that I should just let him do things when he gets to it. So I'll try that. Please give me any other advice/suggestions that might come up.
Thanks again to everyone!
I don't know if this will help or not, but early on in my marriage, my husband said something along the lines of, "I'm happy to do my share, but if you want it done in a certain time frame or done a certain way, do it yourself."
If you're expecting your husband to get things done on your time line, you're right, that's out of line. I understand that you want things done when you want them done, but when a chore has been doled out to someone, it's their's to do, it's off your list, out of your control.
I know it can be hard to leave it rather than giving up and doing it yourself, but by doing that you're setting the precedent that he doesn't have to do it, that you will get it done if he just stalls or "forgets" (yes, he can honestly forget it, but if he knows it'll get done regardless it's less of a priority and much easier "forgotten"). By leaving it for him to do he'll end up paying the natural consequences for not having taken care of it and will thereby learn to get it done in a more timely manner. For instance, if his job is cleaning the kitchen and he doesn't get it done, perhaps you won't be able to make dinner. He'll have to get it clean before dinner can be started and he won't get dinner when he wanted it, or perhaps won't get what he wanted to have (as there may not be time to cook whatever was planned). If his chore is laundry and he doesn't get it done, he won't have clean clothes. If his chore is cleaning the living room and company comes by to a dirty house it will be his fault, his embarrassment. If there are no consequences other than it doesn't get done when you wanted it done, then it really wasn't a high needs, high priority chore anyway.
I'm glad to know that he's willing to do the work, I had the feeling that he expected you to get it done.
Your biggest task will be stifling yourself, putting his chores out of your mind and leaving them to him, whether it takes him hours to get to them or days! You can do it!~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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