Please advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Please advice
4
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:43am
My husband and i argue pretty often, about stupid meaningless things. But he gets so angry over stuff that happened a while ago. He says he hates my family, but he works with them at there business. I just don't what to do anymore, he says so many hurtful things to me, about our marriage, how he doesn't want to be with me anymore, that he wants to be able to do his own thing and hang out with his friends whenever he wants. And i just don't understand that. We have a son who is 17 months old, and i don't get why he doesn't want to spend more time with him and me. It breaks my heart because when he is home our son loves being with him, he won't leave his side, and he is a wonderful father. He works very hard so that i don't have to, but sometimes he will say that i need to go back to work, and we agreed that if we were going to start having kids that i would not work. We are very young both 24, but we dated for five years before we got married. I love him so much and i know he loves me too, i just don't know if i can put up with this anymore. He won't go to marriage counseling because i have brought it up before. And knowing my husband if he wanted to be gone he would, which leaves me thinking that he does want to be with me, i just don't know why he would say things to hurt me. If any can give me advice please do. i sometimes think that once he gets a little older things will change but it has been this way for quite sometime now, and nothing much has changed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: orlando875
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:22am

Please do not be put off from getting some marriage counseling just because your husband says he won't go. I can assure you that his reluctance is mostly based on the fact that he thinks he will be "blamed" for the problems you are having, and secondarily that he sees it as "unmanly" to ask for help. No matter. YOU go on your own. It will help you sort through what is happening, see it more clearly (unemotionally), and lead you toward a solution that works for you.
Best of all, your husband may eventually be motivated to join you, if only to satisfy his curiousity.

The archives of this board have many references to help you find a good marriage therapist. Please go there first. You want someone with specific training and experience, and in some states just about anyone can hang out a shingle that says "marriage counselor." I have nothing against ministers, but sometimes, if untrained, they can do more harm than good even when their intentions are of the highest order.

With regard to your specific question, I hesitate to venture a guess as to where your husband's behavior is coming from. That can be dangerous with so little information. But if what you say is true, that he disrespects your family, for whom he works, it may be that he is resentful that they (and you, by association) are holding all the cards. He may feel as though he is a failure, because he has to rely on you/your family for his livelihood. It is also not uncommon for men to resent their wives for staying home and caring for the children. Particularly if they are not happy in their own work, they begin to believe that you do nothing but watch TV all day.

You don't say how long you've been married, but if the pregnancy was unplanned and occurred before the marriage, there could be some resentment there, as well.

Of course, all of this is speculation on my part, and may be totally wrong. I'm just giving you some common scenarios. But no matter what, you've got to deal with your situation. Don't let your husband's refusal to cooperate with that be an excuse to do nothing.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: orlando875
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:58pm
Welcome to the board, Orlando875 ~ I'm sorry you're having these problems. You said things have been like this for a while, how long? How long have you been married? Did you live together before that? If so, how long did you live together? Did he always support you or is this something he's done since the baby was born?


Do you think saying these things is his way of expressing himself when he's upset or angry, that he doesn't really mean them at all? The problem with making those kinds of statements is that they hurt and cause doubt; even if an apology is given, even if the person making the statements says s/he didn't mean them, the words are still there, and so is the hurt. Being a husband, a father, and a sole supporter is a lot of responsibility for a 24-year old, at his age he's not reached his full maturity yet and his behavior is likely due to that. The fact that he says he wants to hang out with his friends whenever he wants pretty much tells you he's frustrated/unhappy with the responsibility he has. That doesn't mean you should feel sorry for him or agree to let him act like a single 24-year old, but it does point out where this is coming from. I assume he doesn't always say he doesn't want to be with you, right? There are times that you're happy and good together, right?


Please tell me if I'm wrong, but I suspect that something you should be doing that you may not be is talking to him about these problems at a time when he's not upset and when there isn't a problem between you. I know, the last thing you want to do is bring up problems when things are going good, but to get to the bottom of the problems and to talk about them rationally and make progress, you have to discuss them when neither of you are upset or angry. That's when you can let him know how concerned you are, how hurt and unhappy you are. It's when you two can rationally discuss his statements, where he can (hopefully) understand how they make you feel, and where you can find solutions and compromises that will make things better. For instance, does he have time of his own where he can go out with his friends? If not, he should -- and so should you.


Here are some articles that will help you discuss these problems in a way that is constructive. Going about talking about the problems in a way that doesn't feel confrontational or blaming will help your talks go well and will help you get some understanding and resolution.


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

It's not surprising that your husband would say he wouldn't go to counseling. Whether he goes or not, there's no reason for you not to go. It would do you a lot of good, there's plenty to learn that will change your relationship by going on your own. Of course, it would be best if he went too, and if you leave the door open for him to go, he very possibly will eventually. Just tell him something like, "I'm going to counseling to work on our marriage. I'd love it if you'd come too." If he doesn't go, just let him know he's always welcome to join you.

In case you need help finding a therapist, here are a few links that should help:

Referrals For a Qualified Therapist
Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
In reply to: orlando875
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 8:01pm

We have been married for two years, Yes we did live together for two years before we got married. Of course there are times when things are great, actually more than bad, but when its bad its bad. I try to talk to him about things but it gets him upset. the thing that drives me crazy is that when we get into an arguement about something, time will pass and eventually he is overit, but he will never apologize for anything. I don't get how you can go from being that mad to over it without even saying anything. I no he probably does not want to admit when hes wrong but come on.

If i told him i was going to go to counseling alone, he would not care. e wouldn't come with me. He would say " if we need to go to counseling we shouldn't be together". I know exactly where he gets that from to, his parents have been married i think about 27 years or so, never been divorced, but they act like they are in high school, getting mad over everything. His mother is insane gets on his dad about everything he does, which i know is why he hates it when i nag him, because he thinks i'm going to be like that. Which i'm am nothing like. i just get so frustrated. I love him more than anything so i will do whatever it takes to make it work. Thank you for your response. its nice to know people listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: orlando875
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:44pm
Do you try to talk to him about it when times are good? Does he get time to go out with his friends? Does he never apologize for anything at all or only the outbursts you talked about?


It sounds like it's pretty easy to see where he got his behavior and his thoughts on what's "right" from -- he grew up watching his parents, and since that's where we all learn how to handle relationships and how to act in them from what we witness at home, it isn't surprising he's acting so much like them. Remember that when you think of your child, he'll grow up learning what he sees and hears too.


It's too bad your husband against counseling, it really hampers getting real help for problems. An attitude like that works against resolving problems; hopefully at some point he'll change his mind, but whether he does or not, go on your own. I know you want to do whatever it takes, but you can only do your part, only carry your half of the relationship, the other half is his to carry.


"Talking" about it does help, I'm glad we can be there for you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"