Husband not attracted to me anymore
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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:49pm |
Not sure if this is the right place to post - have been posting on betrayed spouses - but here goes -
My husband of 13 years had an affair that i found out about in june. he ended it when I found out. For the past year or so our sex life had disintegrated - he says he now has a hard time being attracted to me. He loves me as a person, as a mother, we care about and support each other a lot, but since this whole attraction thing I wonder if he will ever be attracted to me again.
I know there are relationships out there where the love v. being 'in love' plays a role - i just wonder if this is a slump -
Anyone out there whose spouse is not feeling chemistry anymore for them? How are you dealing with it? Are you praying for it to come back or do you think it's better just to end it? Does something like this ever come back, or can a relationship just slip into being friends only? Is that when it is time to move on?

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Here's a quote from a therapist friend who was discussing the subject of "Love you, but not in love with you";
"Remember the cliche term, 7 year itch? A cliche becomes a cliche because there's usually so much truth to it that it gets overused. He's restless, bored and not feeling desirable. The fact that he's TELLING you this probably means he really doesn't want to go in that direction, he's just miserable.Personal opinion warning!! Ready? That "love you but not in love with you" thing is probably the single biggest GARBAGE statement that's ever been invented. What the @#$^% does THAT mean? I'm hungry but I have no appetite? I can't see but I'm not blind?
Want to know what I REALLY hear, when I hear that phrase? "I don't have the teenage hormonal goo-goos when I see you. You're not stimulating me, so I'm going to get it someplace else, because feeling good is more important to me than YOU are. But I don't want you to feel bad about me, and I don't want to feel bad about myself for shirking my adult responsibilities. So I'll make us both feel better - for a minute - by telling you that I love you in SOME way. That way you'll think I'm really making a sacrifice when I hurt you 'for your own good.'"
There's an article in our Information and Resources section that discusses the Seven year itch, and while I know you're way past the seven year mark, I thought I'd post it for you as I think there's a lot of information there for you:
The 7-Year Itch
I'm also wondering what kind of things you've done over the years to feed your relationship. It's easy to get into a routine where your relationship takes a back seat to "more important" issues like running and maintaining the house, family, jobs, etc. Truth is, there's nothing more important than your relationship and it shouldn't take a back seat to anything. Not only that, but there will always be something that seems to be more important or needs to be done "first". If your relationship continues to sit on a shelf while you take care of "more important things", by the time you take it down and dust it off, you find out there's not much left. I think it's important to do things to feed your relationship on a regular basis. Going out on dates, doing things together, just the two of you (no kids, and being away from the house is important), getting an occasional weekend alone together is really important. If you haven't been doing those things, I don't think it necessarily means it's too late. I think you can get them back but it takes time and work. Doing the kinds of things you used to enjoy doing together is a good start, going out on regular "dates", etc. It will likely feel uncomfortable at first, but as you continue to do them you'll get more comfortable and eventually it'll make a big difference to you. The harder part for you is you're also working through trust and betrayal issues, and I seriously doubt seven months is long enough to have resolved those issues.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for your reply.
Are you and your husband seeing a therapist to work on the issues and your relationship?
We did try that - it took forever for the counselor to get to know us and it became clear to us that everything they were telling us we knew already somehow. Now we are both in individual therapy.
Personal opinion warning!! Ready? That "love you but not in love with you" thing is probably the single biggest GARBAGE statement that's ever been invented. What the @#$^% does THAT mean? I'm hungry but I have no appetite? I can't see but I'm not blind?
I hear you about the garbage, but what can I do? People feel the way they feel. I know deep down he is a good person, but I think he is waiting for some epiphany to tell him that if he stays with me, he will be fullfilled. And it's not happening for him. When he tells me that he loves me, he says it as though he is saddened by the fact that he feels lost without the connection we once had.
Want to know what I REALLY hear, when I hear that phrase? "I don't have the teenage hormonal goo-goos when I see you. You're not stimulating me, so I'm going to get it someplace else, because feeling good is more important to me than YOU are. But I don't want you to feel bad about me, and I don't want to feel bad about myself for shirking my adult responsibilities. So I'll make us both feel better - for a minute - by telling you that I love you in SOME way. That way you'll think I'm really making a sacrifice when I hurt you 'for your own good.'"
I do know what you mean here. That's exactly what has happened. The things that were coming out of his mouth when he was telling me about HER were that they got along so well, she made him feel really good, blah blah. Textbook. But unfortunately, that was his reality for a while, and he blames the marriage not being right in the first place. And he keeps going back to that. He'll say you know we had this problem, and that problem, and I just don't know if we can rebuild. And I am not attracted to you anymore. I told him that he needs to let me go if this is how he feels, and he said he can't, because deep down he knows I am his family, and that he'll regret it one day. Hmmm. What do I do with that information?
I'm also wondering what kind of things you've done over the years to feed your relationship.
We always had a moderate amount of fun stuff and together stuff while we were married. But our sex life became about once a month - my doing - low libido - and he won't let me forget that. And when we knew our relationship was really in trouble, we started to do stuff all the time, but frankly, it was too late.
So here I type, missing my husband who should have been with us today, and yet no confirmation of my own feelings that I am doing the right thing by waiting for him to come home.
alwaysanoceanlover,
Why is that this whole thing has been and still is all up to him?? "He says the marriage was never right, he says he's waiting for something to tell him if he stays he will be fufilled, he says he's not attracted to me, he says he can't let you go because he will regret it one day, he he he he...."
I'm sorry but why is everything what he says and wants?? Personally, the only thing that his actions and behaviour have warrented him is getting on his knees and begging for YOU to forgive him, YOU to decided if the marriage continues, YOU to choose to stay. In my humble opinion he lost all control and ability to call the shots when he slept with another woman.
When a cheater goes back and forth it's a clear sign (well to me anyways) that they really aren't sure they want to be with their partner. They are more sorry they got caught then actually wanting to make what they did wrong right. Going back and forth is a cop-out, an excuse not to behave like a mature responsible adult in a relationship or marriage. And personally if I was with someone who was hem-hawing about being with me, I would make their choice easier by showing them the door.
Sorry you have to go through this. I hope things work out for you with whatever happens.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Everything you say is absolutely right. Spot on. But what I guess I failed to mention, is that I still want to be with him, so therein lies the problem. I want more time for rebuilding, for him to snap out of it, and remember the couple that we were.
It was not always up to him. The day I found out, I tried to kick him out. Got the suitcase, threw the clothes down the stairs, etc. I was so shocked that my strength to go through with it lasted only a few hours and then I went to our bedroom and shut the door. He stayed up all night in a panic, and the next day was the first of our rebuilding.
But unfortunately time passed with counselors, attorneys, the whole bit. I came to the conclusion that I would forgive him. Thought we could move on. We really had started talking. But as time went on, he was still having thoughts that things had changed between us. He was halfway here. I asked for a separation. He moved out.
When you say going back and forth is a cop out, I would like you to expand on that. Do you think I should just call it quits now? If he's on the fence, he must not care about me? This is where I get confused, because I think he does. We have the friendship, the caring, the support, the companionship. Just not the chemistry anymore. Is that when a relationship is over?
Another thing is that I was told to not be the one to ask for a divorce.
Your reply is very much appreciated.
What I'm gathering then, is that he was initially completely motivated to rebuild/repair and continue with you but has since lost some of that desire and is no longer sure it's what he wants to do? Is he living with you? Is he still seeing this other woman?
I agree with what Defleppardgal said about fence-sitting. If he's not sure which way he wants to go (especially after seven months) it sounds to me like neither of you are *that* special to him (assuming he's deciding between the two of you), and in that situation, I agree with Def in making the decision for him. Easier said than done when you've been in a marriage for 13 years and don't want any of this to be happening in the first place.
What you can't control or *make* him do is want you, and want the relationship back. I would think at some point calling an end to it would be necessary for your own sanity. I'm not, however, suggesting that it's time for that for you. Only you can know when enough's enough, and when the situation warrants that.
You said you stopped going to couples therapy because you realized you weren't hearing anything you didn't already know. How long did you go?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with most of what deflappardgal writes, but have a different opinion on her comment "In my humble opinion he lost all control and ability to call the shots when he slept with another woman."
While the decision whether or not to keep the marriage going should be yours, I believe that his feelings are very valid when it comes to dealing with the problem.
I believe that when a person cheats, they are seeking something that the marriage was lacking. The fact that they should have dealt with it inside the marriage goes without saying, but lets forget the "should haves" and deal with the situation at hand.
First things first, in the process of reconciling your husband needs to identify what was lacking in the marriage. This may be a two way street of course....there is the whole "cause and effect" thing which can bounce back and forth. (Ask for more details if I'm unclear).
That being said, I'm also concerned about his "fence sitting". It does make me question his commitment to saving the marriage.
He's absolutely questioning saving the marriage. I agree with you that he's entitled to his feelings. We worked through the issue of the affair, and then went on to work on the marriage. We had amazing talks like never before about what went wrong. But whereas I maintain that it's not too late, that we do have so much going for us and where there is a will there is a way, he does not know if he has the will. So here we are, 2 and half months into our separation, and we talked the other night to get an update on feelings, and he says to me that he does not want to hold us up, that we need to make a decision soon. I think we will be talking again about it at the end of this month.
Everytime I see him, for Xmas, son pick up/drop off, etc., there is always a little bit of hope that I get because he keeps me hanging on. But then during this talk we had the other night, he said that "he doesn't know if he's interested" in rebuilding. Interested. Nice choice of word, huh? Sort of made me feel like something off a menu, which is precisely why I think sometimes that he is just not the one for me anymore. He would really have to step up and profess his undying love for me and I just really doubt that's going to happen.
I think we will remain friends, because we genuinely like each other. But not before I have a total nervous breakdown if we get a divorce.
My husband says he cheated on me because he and the OW who work together struck up a friendship to the point where they were sharing intimate issues with their own marriages and just sort of fell into each other's arms. If he had only TOLD ME, the issues we were having, and not become this OW's shoulder and vice versa.
I wouldn't ask for a divorce to push him to make a decision. Like you said, it would be for my own sanity. But the question still remains when is enough enough. If there is a sliver of hope, I am all for it. It's just that mixed in with the sliver is doubt, fear, helplessness, misery, etc. One step forward, two steps back.
We were in therapy for about 3 months.
I believe that it is over with the OW, and when he tells me that it's just between me and him, I believe that too. His decision is whether or not to be with me, or be alone. This is not to say that if he were to end it with me, he wouldn't pick up the phone and start back in again with her. And yes, you've got it right, that he wanted to try to work on things with me, but after a while, just kept saying, "this isn't working - I don't know where my love for you has gone" type of stuff. I asked him to move out. He has a month to month place 10 mins away since mid-Oct.
Thanks for your advice.
I would say that's an excuse, not a REASON. If his values were such that cheating was not an option, no matter what, then he wouldn't have cheated regardless of how close he got to the OW. His values are the problem and unless he's willing to do the very hard work to change them, you will never be able to trust him not to cheat again, even if he were to become attracted to you again, and if he were "interested" in rebuilding (and yes, I agree--what a terrible choice of words!).
Sheri
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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