New Years...aiyiyiy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
New Years...aiyiyiy
15
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 9:11pm
bb


Edited 6/10/2007 11:00 pm ET by confused7772006

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:51pm

Welcome back Confused7772006 ~ Of course I recognized you as soon as I peeked in on the board. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others who might not be familiar with you can get a better feel for your situation and history, and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old post too, even though it hasn't been very long. Many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:

Arguing constantly...advice please

**I've put in a request to have your post moved up to the "Relationships Problem" section where it's more appropriate and will get more attention**







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 11:54pm
Confused, I suspect you've heard more than you want from me so I'll keep it very short and then stay out of it.


Stay with him, go to counseling and make a try if that's what you want. You're fully aware of the situation you're putting yourself back in. This is just another instance of his words, and you know how that turns out, you've been through it enough times to have the pattern down pat.


Go back and stay if you want, but do so knowing this is who he is and this is how it will be. You'll need to be willing to happily accept life as it has - and will be - with him. It's your life and your choice.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 1/2/2007 11:57 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:38pm

Confused, I've got a suggestion for you.

When he tells you how hurt he was or that he misses you, tell him that you don't care. Tell him bluntly and tell him often. Perhaps if you tell him often enough, you both may start to accept that it's over.

Practice the attitude of Rhett Butler: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:10pm
bb


Edited 6/10/2007 11:01 pm ET by confused7772006
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:11pm
I dont think she wants it to be over. She's up for more of whatever he dishes to her.
Confused.. if you're so easily swayed by him maybe you do need to be in the relationship for a bit longer to be convinced that you're better off elsewhere. He has so much control over you because you're not really strong enough to be by yourself or assert yourself, as you keep proving to him and yourself. Someday you'll have to find it in you to start following your head over your heart (?? not sure you're following your heart here.. I think you're just too weak to break a habit here) and till then you're making the choice (YOUR choice) to languish in this relationship.
Good luck to you. Do keep us updated. Hope you're in a better place soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:17pm
bb


Edited 6/10/2007 11:01 pm ET by confused7772006
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:16am
Aw, Confused, I'm sorry. I read your post to be looking for a way to continue your relationship, and since that's how I interpreted it, I figured the last thing you'd want was me barging in with my anti-opinions : ) Now that I understand what you're thinking and what you're looking for, I'll keep on reminding you of how it is.


I really think if you truly want to end this you need to take a strong step and cut off contact, I think continuing contact only opens you up to being vulnerable to him. I think your NY weekend proved that. Are you ready to do that?


It seems to me that you have no plan, you're just floating along vulnerable, no steps in mind to help you from "just calling" or "just picking up" or "just listening" to what he has to say. You know what it does to you, but you have no plan to divert yourself or stop yourself from being tempted. When you decide to diet, I'll bet you have a plan in mind, what you'll do about cravings, how you'll help yourself stay strong, focused and motivated. I think this deserves a lot more thought and planning, don't you? I think rereading your posts and their replies might serve to remind you of the realities of your situation too. Printing them off and pulling them out and reading them when you feel a desire to contact him will help strengthen you. Making a detailed list of the things he's done that are wrong, hurtful, scary, abusive, will help too. Reading such a list, written in your own words, when you're considering contact will reinforce to you just how wrong being involved with him in any way is. Enlist the help of friends and family, let them know you're trying to end contact and need them to help you if you need it. Call them when you feel weak or down; and if there's something you have to pick up or he has to have from you, have a friend pick it up or deliver it for you, DO NOT allow contact. I think it would be very beneficial to you to start seeing a domestic violence therapist (let me know if you need help locating one). It would be very beneficial to you to read through the posts, including the archives, as well as to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. Posting your situation fully on the DA board will allow you to get the responses from others who are in abusive situatuions. Many will be able to identify with what you're going through as how their abusive relationships began. They'll be able to tell you how the abuse will progress and what your life will look like if you continue with him. It would also be good for you to read through the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , especially the informational posts and articles located towards the bottom of the page. Continuing to educate yourself on abuse and abusers (you'll be surprised how much applies to him) is important and very helpful. It might also be helpful to post on the Toxic Relationships board, where there is a "Detox" section specifically for people who are trying to remove toxic relationships from their lives. I'll warn you now though, I'm also the cl for the Toxic board, so you'll be dealing with me again ~

Something that you need to understand is that abusive relationships suck you in, their very design confuses you and sucks you into believing there is a chance that things will be different. Also, the longer you stay in them, the longer you stay engaged, the more damage is done to you, the less self esteem you have, the more self doubt you have; the longer you choose to stay involved, the harder it is to get out. You've already recognized this is not a relationship you want long term, you know what he demands of you is killing you. You know it's killed your personality, your self, your parents and friends have said you're not like yourself at all. They're concerned for you. Any relationship that destroys who you are is not a place to stay, it's a place to avoid at all cost. You know his words are just words, it's time to keep reality in the forefront and what's best for you be your strength.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 2:01am
bb


Edited 6/10/2007 10:59 pm ET by confused7772006
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:22am
I'm so sorry, Confused. It's not really a surprise that your therapist didn't see it coming. See, "regular" therapists are geared towards the belief that both parties have the best of intentions at heart and want to repair the relationship. Abuse therapists, on the other hand, are trained to see the signs and symptoms of an abusive personality. But then, someone trained in abuse wouldn't have been seeing both of you.


Don't be so sure he's gone for good, it's very possible he's just "teaching you a lesson" and will be back to torture you with the same kind of treatment over and over. Clearly thought, he was being Mr. Wonderful to get the charges taken care of.


I'm not sure what kind of helpful advice you want us to give you. What can we do that will help you? What do you need? For now, I'll suggest rereading your old posts and replies (the links should be in my first response in this thread), and I'll be waiting to read your response to know how I can best help you.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 5:25pm
bb


Edited 6/10/2007 11:02 pm ET by confused7772006

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