Hi all... I'm new : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Hi all... I'm new : )
1
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:20pm

Happy New Year everyone! I'm Cali, a 33 year old stay at home mom to 2 boys (12 and 13) and living with my boyfriend of 6+ years.

My boyfriend and I have had some rough patches the past couple of years. I have a tendency to keep things in until I explode. Little crap that is really not a big deal at all if I would just say what I'm thinking, but I decide it's best if I just keep it in... anyway, you get the idea. Twice this has brought us to almost breaking up, most recently this past October. Things have been much better since then, or so I thought. I know that *I* have been feeling much better, and really trying to say what is on my mind, whatever it is.

I know October wasn't that long ago, but my boyfriend really seems to be having a hard time with this. Things will be going along just fine, and then *BAM* he's feeling hurt about it out of the blue. I try to be sensitive and supportive, but when he's feeling like this I really don't know what to say. We don't fight about it, but it certainly causes some tension.

A couple of weeks ago he was feeling some stress about work and Christmas... and us. He said he realized that ever since I said I was leaving (in October) that he has felt very unmotivated and uncreative. He's let things like paying bills slide, he doesn't want to go to work, and when he's home he sits with his laptop on his lap watching tv, not knowing what to do (he's usually on the computer, he just wants to be creative with it, and right now he's not). Anyway, it seems like he's kind of blaming me. And, maybe he should, but what do I do?

Our sex life has been lukewarm for a few years. I'd like it to be better, and so would he, but we never really make an effort to make things better. Obviously we have other issues, but this one is pretty big, too. When he wants it, I don't... when I want it, he doesn't. Sigh...

So, that's my story. Maybe some of you have some advice, insight, ideas. I don't want this relationship to fall apart... I know it can work out. We've really been through a lot (an apartment fire, moving to another state, he's in the military...). The kids love him, I love him, he's a great guy who really tries... I've just been kinda dumb in the past. I feel like we just need to move on from it, but also learn and change things which I feel like I've been doing (and it hasn't always been easy).

Thanks for reading, and for any help.

Cali

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:25pm
Welcome to the board, Cali ~ I think I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I've been in situations where the same problematic scenario plays out over and over and eventually, it can take its toll on you and make you feel like giving up.


You may hold things in until you explode, but from the example you gave, it sounds like when you explode you say things you don't mean. The problem with making statements like that is that you can't take back your words, what's been said remains said and isn't forgotten. Statements like "I'm leaving" leave the other person to question your feelings and the relationship. It adds turmoil and doubt that doesn't go away, and it damages the relationship. It may well be that your communication problems are what's behind your lukewarm sex life and (assuming here) your less than active (fun) life together. I'm not trying to say this is all your fault, or lay guilt; you've only touched on one problem area, and even in this one, I imagine he plays a part.


Have you considered working together with an accredited couples counselor? I think considering the amount of time you've been having problems (if you could have solved them on your own you would have by now), and the damage that's being done by those problems says a couples counselor is the way to go.


What do you think?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 1/4/2007 1:36 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"