forgivable mistake or not?
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| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm |
My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.
So confused....

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Gosh, that's a tough one. I don't know that I could forgive that because monogamy is very important to me, but I think the fact that he told you and the fact that he has quit drinking are strong points in his favor. Is he going to AA meetings or something similiar so that he doesn't slide back into old habits?
You might want to read posts on the Betrayed Spouse support board, particular the rebuilding section, to see what those women and men have done to get past infidelity. Like I said, I don't know if I could do it, but people do.
Sheri
I have some questions/comments for you:
Have you gone to therapy to work through the baggage that abusive relationships leave you with? If not, I think it's very important that you go, even if you think you're "just fine". You may be amazed how much therapy can help, even if you think you're just fine.
How long have you been with your current boyfriend? It sounds like you're ready to forgive him and continue -- you said you want to work through this. At the very least I would suggest that you adopt a "wait and see" attitude. Don't give him an answer for a good eight months or so. You need time to see that this behavior does not show itself again, you need more time to assess him. The fact that he disclosed his infidelity is good, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again. Since you've just discovered this, it's likely that you'll find yourself facing more/different emotions concerning his infidelity in the weeks to come. Time. Taking time won't hurt anything, but jumping ahead very well could.
I think what Sheri suggested is important, but AA would be a lot more beneficial to him if he wanted to go on his own -- FOR HIM, if you have to ask him to go, he's not going for himself. I think someone who has recently had a 20-shot a night drinking routine, or drinks that kind of quantity at times, shows a lot of serious red flags for alcohol addiction, present or future. If he doesn't see his drinking as serious and isn't interested in taking real steps to address it, I would be very concerned about committing to a relationship with him.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Just a comment about AA. AA is for people who cannot control their alcohol consumption. And while your boyfriend had a history of binge drinking, this does not necessarily make unable to control his alcohol intake. Instead, binge drinking may simply have been his choice.
My husband did LOTS of binge drinking before I came along. When we met, he knew it was unacceptable to me (and he'd also grown out of it) so he quit binge drinking. We are still able to share a bottle of wine together, and he's still able to have a few beers with his mates, but now he chooses to limit his consumption.
If (in the future) your boyfriend has one beer and CANNOT STOP till he falls over drunk, then AA is for him. But he may also be able to have a couple of beers and stay in control.....in which case he wouldn't need AA.
good luck to you.
Aisha, as someone who's been in recovery for 12 years, I respectfully disagree with the last part of your post. That's a bit of a misconception. Alcoholics CAN control their drinking...at least for a while. If I had a dollar for every time I said, Oh, I don't have a problem, see, I only had one glass of wine at dinner, I'd be a rich woman today ;-). But it was oh, SO hard to not order another glass and I'd manage to do it for six months or so and then I'd slip back into my old habits.
The question isn't whether the OP's BF can have one or two beers and stop once or even for six months, the question is can he really, truly take or leave the alcohol, or does it take mega effort on his part for him to restrict his drinking?
Sheri
At least that's my understanding.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree that it wouldn't be a good idea for your boyfriend to move in with you, but not for financial reasons. Moving in together will complicate things and make decisions harder to make. You need time and space to deal with the issues you know exist - infidelity and very concerning alcohol consumption. He's pushing, and you need time and space. Give yourself those things, and take care of yourself by clearing out your old "junk", your old "lessons" and replacing it with healthy thinking. Even if you feel completely fine and clear, you'll be surprised at what positive, healthy growth you will accomplish.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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