forgivable mistake or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
forgivable mistake or not?
50
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm

My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.

So confused....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:46pm
Oh, I forgot to add some of the details that may clarify a bit. I have been going through some health problems for the past month, my dog passed away just after Christmas, and I just had my 2-year anniversary of the day I left my abusive (now ex) husband after a particularly vicious assault. So I'm pretty much just a big mess at the moment and can't process very much of anything. But my b/f has taken the past several days off from work to be with me 24 hours a day and has been very patient and "takes" whatever angry words I can't seem to refrain from saying and has not even tried to get physical attention from me besides holding my hand when I'm on the phone with my doctor or hugging me while I cry. He's not a bad person and I know that, but I don't know if I'm being stupid for giving him a second chance....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:43pm

Gosh, that's a tough one. I don't know that I could forgive that because monogamy is very important to me, but I think the fact that he told you and the fact that he has quit drinking are strong points in his favor. Is he going to AA meetings or something similiar so that he doesn't slide back into old habits?

You might want to read posts on the Betrayed Spouse support board, particular the rebuilding section, to see what those women and men have done to get past infidelity. Like I said, I don't know if I could do it, but people do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 12:00am
Thank you. Monogamy is VERY important to me also, I have never even "talked to" or dated more than one person at any time, much less cheated in any way, and monogamy is one of the very most important things in my opinion. He has not gone to any meetings, but I believe that he would if I asked him to. I think it is because we are both in our early 20's and it's fairly common to binge drink at this age, at least it is among the people we know. Thank you also for referring me to the other msg board, hopefully there will be others who have repaired a relationship after a one-night-stand or at least have experienced it and have some kind of advice to offer. I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:32am
Welcome to the board, Bayoaks ~ I'm sorry for the death of your dog, I know how hard that is to deal with. I also know how much anniversaries can "twang" us.


I have some questions/comments for you:


Have you gone to therapy to work through the baggage that abusive relationships leave you with? If not, I think it's very important that you go, even if you think you're "just fine". You may be amazed how much therapy can help, even if you think you're just fine.


How long have you been with your current boyfriend? It sounds like you're ready to forgive him and continue -- you said you want to work through this. At the very least I would suggest that you adopt a "wait and see" attitude. Don't give him an answer for a good eight months or so. You need time to see that this behavior does not show itself again, you need more time to assess him. The fact that he disclosed his infidelity is good, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again. Since you've just discovered this, it's likely that you'll find yourself facing more/different emotions concerning his infidelity in the weeks to come. Time. Taking time won't hurt anything, but jumping ahead very well could.


I think what Sheri suggested is important, but AA would be a lot more beneficial to him if he wanted to go on his own -- FOR HIM, if you have to ask him to go, he's not going for himself. I think someone who has recently had a 20-shot a night drinking routine, or drinks that kind of quantity at times, shows a lot of serious red flags for alcohol addiction, present or future. If he doesn't see his drinking as serious and isn't interested in taking real steps to address it, I would be very concerned about committing to a relationship with him.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 2:34pm
Thank you 2nd-life. I actually have not gone to therapy of any kind to deal with what happened with my ex. At the time I left him, I'd just been medically discharged from the Navy and was going through a disability claims process that was very draining. The few resources the Navy has available for abused spouses were all more than 4 hours from the city where I relocated to. There is a women's shelter nearby that has group counseling available, but I didn't feel like I belonged there. I felt that since I had already left and was already safe, that I would not be welcome or the other women would not relate to me, and I can't afford a private therapist. I've been with current b/f for about 5 months, we met over 5 years ago in college and recently found each other again. I have told him that I want to forgive him and want to work through this, but that it will take time and a lot of effort from both of us. Things are especially dificult because I'm currently in nursing school and we live 200 miles apart and see each other on weekends. I have a year and a half remaining in school. He has offered to move to be with me, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea right now as it would put even more financial strain on him. AA would be wonderful, but I also feel that it is something that he needs to do for himself, so I have not asked him to go. I have let him know that his drinking is a problem and that he has hurt me, himself, and our relationship by doing it. He has stopped drinking, which is a good start, but I think that he needs to take the next step for himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:55pm

Just a comment about AA. AA is for people who cannot control their alcohol consumption. And while your boyfriend had a history of binge drinking, this does not necessarily make unable to control his alcohol intake. Instead, binge drinking may simply have been his choice.

My husband did LOTS of binge drinking before I came along. When we met, he knew it was unacceptable to me (and he'd also grown out of it) so he quit binge drinking. We are still able to share a bottle of wine together, and he's still able to have a few beers with his mates, but now he chooses to limit his consumption.

If (in the future) your boyfriend has one beer and CANNOT STOP till he falls over drunk, then AA is for him. But he may also be able to have a couple of beers and stay in control.....in which case he wouldn't need AA.

good luck to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:08pm

Aisha, as someone who's been in recovery for 12 years, I respectfully disagree with the last part of your post. That's a bit of a misconception. Alcoholics CAN control their drinking...at least for a while. If I had a dollar for every time I said, Oh, I don't have a problem, see, I only had one glass of wine at dinner, I'd be a rich woman today ;-). But it was oh, SO hard to not order another glass and I'd manage to do it for six months or so and then I'd slip back into my old habits.

The question isn't whether the OP's BF can have one or two beers and stop once or even for six months, the question is can he really, truly take or leave the alcohol, or does it take mega effort on his part for him to restrict his drinking?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:46pm
There's also a big difference between "being in recovery" and "stopping drinking". An alcoholic can stop drinking for years by simply "white knuckling it", but that doesn't make him in recovery and it certainly doesn't make for a happy person. The person who stops drinking by sheer will hasn't learned a thing, hasn't accepted a thing and hasn't moved past their active drinking mindset, really.


At least that's my understanding.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:08am
Bayoaksprincess, you certainly do belong in that group, and you'd be accepted to, I'm certain of it. I assume you've made calls and found that group sessions are all that's offered? I would urge you to call your local domestic abuse hotline (if there is none or you don't know it, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 . They'll be able to tell you what counseling is available in your area, and like you already know, it'll be free. But, even if there is none available for you, I understand you saying you can't afford it, but I'd say you can't afford not to have it. As a medical student you know how important proper treatment and recovery from an illness is, your mental health cannot possibly be any less important than your physical health; just because you can't see or touch it doesn't mean it's not vitally important. The "wrong" lessons you've learn, the "garbage" that's accumulated in your head as a result of your abusive relationship, needs to be "unlearned and the garbage needs to be removed. It's still sitting in there, only you don't recognize it. You also are in jeopardy to put yourself in another abusive relationship as you haven't dealt with the issues that attract you to a dysfunctional one. These issues will affect the rest of your life, they are vitally important to address. Have you checked to see if your nursing school has an abuse counseling resource?


I agree that it wouldn't be a good idea for your boyfriend to move in with you, but not for financial reasons. Moving in together will complicate things and make decisions harder to make. You need time and space to deal with the issues you know exist - infidelity and very concerning alcohol consumption. He's pushing, and you need time and space. Give yourself those things, and take care of yourself by clearing out your old "junk", your old "lessons" and replacing it with healthy thinking. Even if you feel completely fine and clear, you'll be surprised at what positive, healthy growth you will accomplish.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:51am
Thank you again, I will try to work up the courage to go to a session in the next week or so if I can find one. You are quite right that there are "lessons" my ex instilled that need to be cleared out, beginning with the one that proclaimed that any mistakes he made were because I made him do it or wasn't good enough for him not to do it. My current b/f keeps telling me that it's 100% his fault and his problem, and that nothing I did or said caused it. He wasn't pushing to move in with me, he was just offering to get an apartment for himself in my city and find a new job here, b/c we currently live 200 miles apart.

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