HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
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HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
| Thu, 01-04-2007 - 7:13pm |
Okay heres the problem my boyfriend and I have been together 6 years, we've been through everything together including a recent motorcycle accident which left bith of us injured but him wheelchair bound for a month. He's much better now but since he's been back to work (he works for one of our close friends) he is never home. He leaves at 8am and sometimes doesn't come home until 9pm. The other day he called me and told me he was starving so I told him I would cook dinner for him and asked him what time he wanted it to be ready. He told me 6pm. So I made this extravagant dinner for him and he didn't show up until almost 9pm. Tonight he has done the same thing again. Is it just me or is he being extremely inconsiderate. I love him with all my heart and want to stay together but what can I do I can not deal with this. The other part of this that bothers me is that when he does get home he doesn't want to help me with anything (straightening up, loading the dishwasher, etc.). I really need some help on this or else I am going to lose my mind!!!!!!! Thanks!

Hi Mistyw81, there are a few bits of your story that you've left out. Firstly and most importantly, you've made no mention of discussing with him the issue of him staying at work late. Have you discussed it? If so, what was his reply? Is it a short term crisis situation at work or is he a workaholic?
Regarding him not helping out when he comes home late: Of course he won't help, he's exhausted after a 13 hour day at work. I know that on the occaisions when my DH worked such a long day, I would never expect him to help out. Likewise, I remember working long days during a particular work crisis and he'd do dinner and clean the house so that I could come home and rest. He'd make me a cup of tea and let me put my feet up. It's about recognising when the partner is exhausted from work and cutting them some slack.
Likewise with the timing of dinner. I long ago learned that when there's a crisis at DH's work, 6pm can easily turn into 9pm or even 3am. I found it was best to have no expectations of what time he'd come home because it would always be wrong. Quite frankly, I stopped asking him for estimations of when he'd be home. Extravagant dinners are of no use in times like these. Go for Spaghetti Bolognaise or something else that can be reheated in the microwave (or frozen if they don't come home at all).
However, if my husband never helped after a *normal* day that would be a different story. Likewise, if he *chose* to work 13 hour days long term, knowing I was unhappy about it, it would also be a different story. Do either of these two scenarios apply to you?
Ah, well this puts a completely different spin on things. If it were me in your situation, I would have broken up with him long ago! Completely unacceptable behaviour on his part.
Tell me, what discussions have the two of you had regarding the different problems? How does he react when you raise the issue?
Yes, what you describe shows no respect for you, your feelings, your time, effort and energy. It says you're not important, it says he can do what he wants without regard to you, even going so far as to disregard what he's said to you just hours ago -- knowing you're there working to fix a meal for him. Not at all acceptable. On the housework front, I'm wondering, what did he do to pitch in while he was wheelchair bound?
You'll have to tell me whether I'm right or not, but what I'm thinking is that he was a helpful and (hopefully) equal partner before the accident, then did nothing but be cared for and have his home taken care of for him too. Now that he's back on his feet, he's acting like he's entitled to better/special treatment, as though he expects you to keep doing all the clean up and cooking while he comes and goes as he pleases (more or less). Is that at all accurate?
A few more questions:
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He helped out (some but not a lot) until the accident, then he couldn't help, right? If that's the way it is, I think it's very likely that he's gotten into the habit of being taken care of. Believe me, it's an easy place to find yourself. Shortly after my husband and I began living together, he lost his job. While he was looking for work he insisted on being responsible for all the household chores, it was his way of feeling that he was contributing to the family, since he wasn't contributing financially. He did all the housework, cooked all the meals and did all the laundry. Being completely taken care of is a very wonderful thing and I became accustomed to it very quickly. When he started back to work, to my horror and shame, I found that I somehow felt disgruntled that I'd be expected to do some of the housework again; it felt like an imposition, something I shouldn't have to do. I'm not proud of my impulsive thoughts - and no, I didn't tell him I felt that way, and I hope I didn't show it either, rather, it was a thought, followed by my realization of what I was really thinking. My, how entitled I had become. Your boyfriend may be in the same place, he's gotten used to being taken care of, having to do just a bare minimum of household work seems to be way too much to expect, and in his case, he knows if he doesn't do it, you'll pick up the slack, so his drive to actually do it is pretty low.
You said you've talked about it, he agrees, then goes back to normal behavior. So maybe it's time to talk about it, make agreements on specific responsibilities (who's responsible for doing what), write them down and post them on the fridge (that way he can't claim it wasn't agreed on or that he "forgot") and hold him to his responsibilities. Maybe he won't do his agreed upon chores, but you don't do them either; in other words, he remains responsible for what he agreed to do and if he doesn't do them, they don't get done. Make sense?
As far as scenarios like him not showing up for dinner, I would make him responsible for fixing dinner and, if there are nights dinner is your responsibility, I would tell him dinner will be at a specific time, period, if he's not there, he misses out. No exception. You can't be taken advantage of and unappreciated without you facilitating it, so you need to stop opening yourself up for it. Know what I mean?Here's an article that might give you some things to think about too:
Do You Give More Than You Get?
Let me know what you think, and/or if you think I'm off base in what I'm thinking.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"