How can i trust my boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
How can i trust my boyfriend?
7
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:31pm
I've been with my boyfriend for two years and living with him for a year and half. Before we moved in together we did the whole long distance thing. Which was pretty hard. Before we moved in together he seemed to be pretty honest with me. But now that we are living together its kind of hard to believe anything he tells me and i'm startingto believe that what he told me before was not true. He's been calling other girls and then when i confrunt him about it he says that he just called them to say hi. But the crappy part about the whole thing is that he does it while i am in school. He says he won't do it any more, but i find that hard to believe. So what would any of you girls do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:54am

Why do you believe that his phone calls are inappropriate? And why do you believe that what he told you before is untrue?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:47am
Latina03, like Aisha has indicated, we'll need more information and a better understanding of your situation before we'll be able to help you out. Along with Aisha's questions, I think it would be helpful to know if his contact with other females has been going on for the entire 1.5 years you've been living together, if you know these girls, if they are friends of his, etc.


We'll be checking back for your answers ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:28am
I really don't really feel that phone alls are wrong, what really bugs he most is that he does them behind my back. And never when i''m home. If they were really just friends then it shouldn't matter when he calls them. He's always telling me that he doesn't want me talking to other guys. I told him if that's they way he wants it then it has to go both ways. But it seems like oly he an and i can't. As far as before i just wonder about the past because if he's laying to me now who knows what else he's been laying to me about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 2:59pm
I agree with you on all points, Latina. If these are "just friends" there should be no reason to hide the calls from you, in fact, in a healthy, equal relationship, these calls would be done in your presence and/or you would be made aware of them. How did you discover the calls were being made? Do you know these girls?


The fact that he makes these calls but says he doesn't want you talking to other guys is pretty concerning. It says your relationship isn't equal, that he doesn't hold himself to the same "rules" he holds you to. That indicates he might not see women as being equal to men, and if that's the case, he'll always think he's entitled to do things that either aren't appropriate at all, or aren't fair as you'll not be entitled to the same actions.


You're also right that if he'll lie to you about this, he'll lie to you about anything. That leaves a lot of concern and a lot of lack of trust.


Have you talked to him about these issues? Not just the fact that he makes the calls, but that he does it behind your back, has lied about making them and does it despite the fact that he doesn't want you to talk to men. If so, what does he say about it? Does he offer a resolution?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 3:37pm
Thanks a lot for agreeing with me. The reason i know these phone calls are being made is because i se the phone numbers on the phone bills. And one time i caught him. He tried to ay it was nobody but then came out with the truth. But before there was this girl that was calling him i told him how i felt. He said that he wouldn't talk to her any more. Which he didn't until one day i went to San Francisco and i came ome and heard a message on his voice mail. It wasn't her but either way i told him about it. He said that he didn't know who she was, but along with that he let out his secret that he had called the other girl that i didn't want him talking to. I have told im about all this and all i get is i'm sorry and t will never happen again. Which i'm getting pretty tired of hearing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 3:43pm

::but along with that he let out his secret that he had called the other girl that i didn't want him talking to. I have told im about all this and all i get is i'm sorry and t will never happen again. Which i'm getting pretty tired of hearing.

Sounds like you have the answer to your question "How can i trust my boyfriend?" You can't. He's got a double standard - it's ok for him to call and talk to girls, but you aren't allowed to talk to other guys. My guess is that he LOVES there attention and/or he will have another relatonship to jump into should something happen between the two of you.

I hope you make the right decision for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:12pm
Besides talking to him about the phone calls, I was wondering if you'd talked to him about all the aspects that you mentioned in your post - the fact that lies about anything put everything in question, not just about the issue lied about, that it puts his fidelity in question, that he has a double standard, and that he's apologized and promised not to do it before, yet it continues. I'd say your discussion needs to be about more than just the phone calls, and I'd say it's time for you to take a good look at the sense in staying in a relationship with a guy who's proven himself to be a continuing liar.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"