Kissed another, Boyfriend upset
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| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 8:08pm |
I want to start by telling you about my past first. When I was younger (I'm almost 25) I experimented with everything: drugs, sex, partying, etc. I used to go out and make out with males and females, drink, do drugs, total debauchery. This all started when I was about 16.
By the time I was 20, it pretty much stopped, yeah there was college drinking but nothing remotely out of hand like before. I'm not bi-curious or lesbian or anything like that. I'm totally straight.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We've been through everythign together. He's been totally accepting of my past and has always said that a little craziness is okay. He used to tease me for having made out with girls in the past and I used to ask him what would happen if I got totally trashed one night and made out with another girl. He said he wouldn't care. This was never my intention, but I wanted to make sure that he wasn't uncomfortable with my past so I asked. Throughout the entirity of our relationship I have never wanted or ever thought about anything like that. I have thought about dabbling in drugs but never went through with it. I'm just way past all this and it's been almost five years.
A couple of weeks ago, while we were back home visiting family and old friends, we went out to visit some of his old high school buddies. I was kind of uncomfortable because I had no one to talk to but this was important to him so I went and made the best of it.
One of his friend's buddies had brought his girlfriend and she was really nice to me. She came up to me and made small talk (where'd you go to school, how long have you been with your man, where do you live, yada yada). Then she asked if I'd like to take a shot with her. I figured why not. So I took one shot, and another and another.
Eventually I was plastered and her and I started making out. I guess I had indicated to my SO that I was going to (from what he said). But we did this for about half an hour. we were trying to be sneaky but one of his friends caught us. I was humiliated.
At one point it occured to me to ask her if her boyfriend cared at all and she said that yeah they were together but that she really just cares about him and that he's her best friend that she doesn't really like him and that she's so much more into girls than him.
I realized then that this wasn't a one time thing for her because she added that she really didn't enjoy sleeping with her boyfriend and that she didn't really care to be with him. I started to freak out and she asked if I felt the same way. i told her that I didn't and that I was very in love with my boyfriend and that the sex was great and that I was hoping to get married soon. Well my SO and I left.
We started to argue in the car. He told me that I was being scandalous and that she seduced me and that I kept acting like I didn't care about him. He said that I had told him that we were going home soon but instead went back into the room to make out with her after he bid farewell to his friends. He said he didn't care about the deed but the situation in which it happened. He keeps telling me that if it happened at a bar with some random girl that he wouldn't care but that I was so enamored that he felt like I was starting something intimate.
I explained to him that it wasn't like that at all. That I was drunk and that in my head I was just having a fun time, that I thought it was okay and that I had no idea that she was conning me.
He screamed at me the entire way home. he even called me a whore. He's never disrespected me like that.
I cried the entire night. I wasn't sure what to do.
He didn't break up with me but the following nights that ensued he would look at me like he didn't know me. I apologized so many times and just when I thought that things were about to get better.
On New Year's Eve he got super drunk and started being mean to me. He would ignore me sometimes and at one point he let this girl flirt with him. I knwo when he's drunk he doesn't realize what's going on and he's just the nicest guy but I took it personally. we got into a fight and at the end of the night (i was drunk too) I told him that I couldn't take it anymore. He blew up again and this time he called me a whore to MY friends.
I talked to him about it recently and it just feels like it's getting worse. We are the most amazing couple. I love him with all my heart and if I could turn back the clock and change things I would. I never thought he would react like this and now I think he doesn't trust me. I don't know what to do. I feel like he thinks I knew what I was doing the entire night. He says he doesn't blame me and knows that I was conned but is angry that I "let it happen."
I don't know what to do.
He says he still love me but I don't know how to deal all this and his pain.

What is clear is that he feels threatened, that he has doubts about your fidelity, and as a result about your relationship in general. He's angry, he's hurt, he confused. He doesn't know how he feels or what he thinks. Time will help some, and so will talking, if/when he's ready will help to. I think a counselor who's accredited in couples counseling is the right place for him to sort through his feelings, for you both to try to salvage your relationship and work through this serious issue. I understand him being angry and it's appropriate for him to tell you how this made him feel, but name calling is not acceptable, no way no how. He's entitled to tell you how he felt, how he feels, what he feels, but no one is entitled to call you derogatory, insulting, vulgar names. I think a counselor is called for in this situation, asap.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
thanks. yeah I totally understand that he's hurt but I can't agree that it's okay for him to call me derogatory names and be insulting. no one should ever do that. part of what I failed to indicate is that I had actually approached him before hand (I don't remember this but he does) and had asked him if it was okay and he said he didn't care. Apparently from our recent conversations, he said he was more bothered by me saying we're going to leave but then going back on that and hanging out with her again. I think he felt really disrespected when he had already bid farewell to all his friends and was getting ready to leave and I decided to go back and continue.
As far as sex, we are actually the most sexually active that we've been for a long time. I believe that the sex is really helping us. He's not physically disgusted by me or repulsed at all. I think he and I both realize how much we need that part of our relationship and how important it is. We've had some sexual issues before in the past (just having really low labidos) and that definitely caused some issues in our relationship, mostly just feeling somewhat alienated and neglected (that was definitely the worst problem we've ever had). Neither one of us is sexually demure either. We've both been around the block and back as well.
I encourage him to talk about the subject whenever I see that it's bothering him or it's the underlying motive in his anger. I have apologized profusely and know that it will just take time. It's just so hard because we were at the best part of our relationship and I totally screwed that up. For heaven's sake we were ready to get married!!!
I think right now it's just going to be another thing we have to get through. We've definitely stayed off the drinking this week. The holidays were just debaucherous, too many friends, too many parties and entirely too much alcohol. Not at all what we're used to. Fortunately his friends like mine are incredibly open minded and not at all bothered by any of this (we're both from LA-pretty liberal). I think it helped that the other girl was in a long term relationship as well.
I think things are getting better. We have great communication and have always been great to eachother. I guess it helps that both of us are psych majors. :T
Thanks for your response. I'm so sorry you're on the other end of this. I really don't know what to say regarding your boyfriend being with another woman. I would go apesh*t if my SO did that and I know Nick would leave me if I touched another man. But I know that what I did has definitely put some serious doubts in my SO's head.
If you really love him, you think that what you have is worth it and he is a good person, then work through it. If you need space and he truly loves you then he'll wait as long as he can.
All I know is that I'll wait as long as I can for my SO. But a person can only wait so long.
And if you asked and gained his permission, what are you apologizing for?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm not sure that I necessarily agree with you, although I do appreciate your comments/feedback. I think if it's reassuring him and lifting his self esteem then that's a good things. If I alienated him and didn't want to have sex with him then I am sending him signals that I am no longer sexually attentive or interested.
When married couples go through an affair one of the key signals of the incident is loss of sexual interest or sexual inability. Even after the infidelity shock has come and gone there and all things have been forgiven, most couples must deal with how to get back to being sexually active.
I apologized to Nick because what I did made him feel disrespected and alienated. I believe the act itself wasn't what freaked him so much as my disregard to his sentiments in wanting to leave and choosing to stay and continue with my shenanigens. And while I vaguely remember these actions, it doesn't make me any less responsible.
I've thought about the increased sexual activity and I still think it's a little unexpected. All I can think of is that perhaps this event made both of us realize how detached we were sexually and that perhaps an underlying reason for my actions is perhaps a lack of sex. I think maybe this is his way of reclaiming his sexual presence in our relationship and my way of reconnecting with him in a way I haven't since we were in college.
I wish it didn't occur the way it did but we're starting to get along a lot better, as long as we don't drink too heavily :)
And to be honest, the sex is making me feel better too. I feel attractive again and like I'm more appealing to him again.
We haven't really spoken too much about this topic lately.
The last it came up was in the manner of a joke. I'm starting to feel more hopeful now.
But this isn't an affair.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"