Had it up to here

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Had it up to here
15
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:04pm

My husband agrees that he is having some mental and emotional issues but he refuses to seek outside help. And by outside I mean anyone except for himself. I am really believing that he is bipolar but it’s hard to say because he won’t go in for anything outside of physical pain. He had a back injury in 2005 and has since been prescribed (on-going) vicodin for the pain, xantax for anxiety and an anti-depressant for sleeping. He won’t take the anti-depressant because he doesn’t believe he needs it. He has refused to do marriage counseling because he doesn’t feel that it is our problem. He says that he knows what is wrong with him but cannot and will not tell me. This is so insane because we have been together since we were in high school, 11 years now (6.5 married), and now he is refusing to tell me things after a very open relationship. He has gotten violent during what I call episodes—just kicking things over though one time he did push me down from behind because he thought I had said something and he didn’t want me to have control. That was the craziest thing ever because I definitely didn’t have control over anything and hadn’t even said anything. Earlier that evening he had jumped out of a moving car in the middle of the street (not hurt besides some bruises).

Other than that, I don’t have reason to believe he is hearing things per se, however he will often have a complete conversation between him and I and be pissed at what he said as me—like he knows I am sitting there and he is mad and in my opinion, just being a jerk and talking for me. However half-way through he starts believing what he’s saying as me. It’s absurd! He has an insatiable sex drive. We didn’t have sex Saturday night because I fell asleep and then last night, when he woke me up when he got home, he said, “Well we’re obviously not going to have sex tonight. Do you wonder why I might look elsewhere?” Last night he was downstairs when he thought I was asleep and he was just cussing. Like every 20 seconds a new word or phrase would come out of his mouth. He was SHOCKED that he had woken me up (he had the TV and stereo going and wasn’t talking quietly) and then told me that he gets angry at night and he verbalizes it. He told me it had nothing to do with me and that should be enough—he couldn’t understand why the whole thing was upsetting to me. Alcohol was involved when he jumped out of the car/pushed me down, and last night, but often it’s not. Especially when he does the mock conversations and then in less than a minute, has ticked himself off while talking for me.

Rest assured that we don’t have kids. Has anyone ever dealt with someone who refused to get help? I think the most frustrating thing for me in all this is not seeking help. If I knew that this was something that was being worked on, than I could continue to deal. But I'm dealing with symptoms and it doesn't look like there is an end in sight at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lurpee
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:48pm
Oh my, Black_betty, you are dealing with some very serious problems, and I think if something doesn't change drastically -- and soon -- you're going to be putting yourself at serious risk by staying. The fact that he's become violent, even on just a few occasions, and the fact that he carries on angry conversations basically with himself, the fact that he puts himself at risk doing things like jumping out of a moving vehicle, all flag this as a very serious, very urgent, very dangerous situation.


What I would do right now is call the National Mental Health Hotline at 800-789-2647 and describe to them what you've described here, and anything else that you may not have said here. Call them now, even if nothing new or different has happened today, you need the information and help they can give you now. Don't hesitate to call 911 if the situation escalates, if you feel you're in danger, if he's out of control, if any situation arises that you feel needs help now.


Depending on what they tell you, I would make an urgent appointment to speak to his doctor and discuss everything you're seeing with him/her. Another resource you may not have thought of is calling the emergency room at your hospital; they are very familiar with mental health issues and will be able to offer you some suggestions/help. Having him admitted for an evaluation is something that should happen, but I doubt he'll go willingly and I don't know how successful you'd be in managing it without his agreement, unless he had an episode that warranted calling an ambulance or the police; at that point he would certainly be taken in for a several-day long observation and assessment. Depending on your state's laws, you may be able to have him committed for an evaluation. His doctor may be able to help with that, if not a therapist should be able to advise and help you. I know these seem like very extreme measures, but the your husband's behavior is very extreme, very concerning and very much in need of serious help and attention.


Best case scenario, your husband gets an evaluation, is placed on medication and therapy and is back to himself. However, he may refuse treatment (after the eval) and may refuse to take medications prescribed. Know that often those who refuse to seek help and take medication do a complete turn around on those refusals once they've been stabilized on medication and are able to think rationally again. It's also possible your husband will continue to refuse and will not take prescribed medication. If that's the case, he will likely be very angry at you for having "done this to him". As sad as that would be Black_Betty, the fact is if he doesn't agree to help and stabilization, you won't be able to stay with him anyway. As much as you love and care for him, this is not the man you know and love, and if he refuses help, the man you know and love will not be back. Staying puts you in danger, serious danger. Living with someone with untreated mental health issues is not possible, it's too chaotic, too dangerous and unpredictable.


Post on the Families & Mental Illness for their help and suggestions.

Let us know how it goes and how you're doing. I'm very concerned about you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:16am

Oh, goodness, this sounds serious. Don't some illnesses like schizophrenia often manifest themselves or worsen the person is in their late 20s/early 30s or so?

I agree with 2nd life, call the hotline and see if you can get some support in dealing with this. And keep us posted on how you're doing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 1:09am
My understanding is that schizophrenia typically strikes in the early 20's, and it most typically strikes men. I don't know about other mental illnesses. I do know that severe Bipolar episodes can mimic schizophrenia, hearing voices, delusional, etc.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 2:45am
For schizophrenia, the typical onset in men is early 20s, the typical onset in women is late 20s, but it can occur at any age, including childhood. I don't know about bipolar disorder, but since the two illness are often considered to be on the same spectrum, I imagine it must be similar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 3:14am

2nd life's post is dead on, I suggest you take her advice to heart.

With mental illness, things are always complicated. Putting someone in the hospital against their will is known to be very tricky and in many states free-will laws make it nearly impossible. An ex of mine was placed in a hospital against his will a few years before he met me, but unfortunatly, I don't know how this was done. He was very ashamed so I never dug for details. However, I'm sure that regulars of the families and mental illness board (see 2nd life's post for the link) can explain how they proceded.

Another problem with severe mental illnesses is that, since it is the brain that is ill, the person doesn't realise there's something wrong. Your husband probably realises that he's having trouble sleeping, that he's irritable and that he can't satisfy himself sexually, but chances are he has no idea he's doing wierd things. Think of it as a form of dreaming: dreams are completely disorganised, but feel normal while you're having them. It's only after you wake up that you realise your dreams didn't make any sense. Also, you tend to forget details of your dreams. I don't know if is the case in all mental illnesses, but my ex rarely remembered his disorganised behaviour.

As long as your husband is symptomatic, he will probably resist all forms of help. This is not your fault. The most you can do is try to get him hospitalised. After that, it's impossible to know what will happen. Some people are compliant to treatment and do well on medications, others rebel their entire lives. If it's any comfort to you, when my ex started showing symptoms it sounded a lot like your husband. However, by the time I met him (3 years later) he was very regular with his medications and acted quite normal for the most part. He was a great boyfriend to me and from what I've heard, his current girlfriend is very happy. (We broke up because I was moving and didn't want a long distance relationship) It wasn't (and still isn't) an easy fight for him, but it can get much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 2:04pm
This is awesome info 2nd-life. Thanks for posting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 7:38pm

My partner had a psychotic break and was diagnosed bipolar about 1 1/2 years ago. Many of his behaviors were similiar including the hypersexuality.

I recommend you contact your local National Alliance for the Mentally Ill crisis line. Tell them everything. See if they are part of a system of crisis teams that can assist you. Your H has already reached the point of being a danger to himself and others by assaulting you. I had to charge my partner with assault and have him arrested to get him evaluated. He was put in a menatl hospital for several weeks.

I recommend that if their is any way to have the back up or support of someone from NAMI or county behavioral health I would highly recommend it. Law enforcement is not well versed in mental illness. In spite of me telling them I thought he's had a psychotic break they beat the crap out of him.

NAMI will also help you learn to understand and put in place the boundaries you are going to need with your H. It is okay to use tough love and set boundaries even if it is an illness.

I also recommend the book Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder. The first 8 chapters are about how to support, understand and communicate with your partner. About Chapter 8 they start talking about how to take care of yourself. You have to.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 8:28pm
You can find the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)helpline number here:


National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Hotline 800-950-NAMI (6264)

You can find the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) state and local chapter locater here:

Find Your State & Local NAMI









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 1/7/2007 10:20 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:09pm

Many times there are local chapters that are strongly organized and have local crisis teams that assist local law enforcement. But I also know in some areas mental health services are awful.

I didn't finish my last post because I had mom duty so here I go.

To OP, I recommend you get a good support system around yourself with your friends, family and NAMI. If people aren't with you and supportive at this time just tell them you'll have to get back to them later because you need SUPPORT big time. I was willing to have my partner hate me in order to get him help. There was no preserving the relationship if there was no HIM left anyway. I had someone tell me "You don't put someone you love in a mental hospital." I have to say "YES! YOU DO!" I couldn't stand aside and let a beautiful person be ruined because I was too afraid to get him what he needed, even if he hated me in the end. Needless to say, he didn't. In fact as he came out of his manic psychosis he felt terribly guilty about the things he had done and said.

I pressed charges against my partner. He ended up in mental health court. For a year he was required to check in, take his medications and go to counseling. After one year his records were expunged.

He tells me now that he is really glad he went trhough it all. He tells me that if I hadn't been so tough on him he might not have taken it as seriously. After a year his life is good. He feels better than he has since he was 14 years old. He never wants to go off his medications.

As an aside. Your H is taking Vicodin and Xanax. He could be having a drug reaction and that can also appear as psychosis. Contact his doctor immediately.

I know many people who have used "dishonest" ways to get their MI loved ones to get help. One woman told the authorities her son threatened suicide. Another woman feigned the need to go to an emergency room and then had HIM evaluated. Sometimes the ends justify the means. You do not want to wait until he is in full blown psychosis to get help if possible. I feel greatful to this day that my partner wasn't shot by the police, hit by a car or didn't commit suicide. Assure your safety first. Do not think you are capable of coping with this by yourself. You cannot reason with it. My partner was incredibly strong and out of control. He is a normally non-violent man but he would get into flight or fight modes and if he couldn't run he fought. Mine also had auditory hallucinations and disassociated from our daughter. He forgot big life events temporarily. He had flight of ideas and talked in a manner that is called "word salad", just a bunch of words tossed together in no particular order so what he said made no sense. There definitely can be a psychotic element to bi polar disorder especially after sleep deprivation.

You may be able to get him to an emergency room by faking him out and telling him you will stop bothering him if he gets evaluated.

You already have him assaulting you and trying to get out of a moving vehichle. He is a danger to himself and others. He qualifies for involuntary commitment. It is a hard stance to take but this is his LIFE we are talking about. If your choice were to have him angry with you or dead, I know which one you would make. This is serious stuff. Get help immediately.

Also wanted to add that if he is bipolar antidepressants without a drug to counter them can actually trigger mania. That is my concern about the other drugs, that they may have triggered mania or psychosis.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lurpee
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:26pm
Thanks, Hottllipps, your experience and your information are invaluable.


I've updated my thread containing the NAMI hotline number

(You can find the ...)

to include the link to their state and local chapter locater.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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