Porn hurting relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Porn hurting relationship
4
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:03am

Hello,

I cant stop feeling so vulnerable and hurt everything my husband looks at porn, esp since I dont look like those girls, and I never will... I keep hearing "Every guy looks at porn, it's something every guy needs" but I believe it's wrong... And it's really hurting our sex life and our relationship, it's like a circle, he looks, I freeze up and shut down sexually and emotionally, b.c I feel like I cant compete so what's the point, and then it repeats... I dont know what to do... how do I get over how I feel, how do I get him to stop hurting me. He doesnt look when I'm home, but we use the same computer, and he doesnt always clear the history. It hurts me so much. I just cant understand that if I satisfy him completely and he thinks me beatiful and sexy (hes told me this) why he needs the others.. He says he'd never cheat, but this feels like cheating to me... and he doesnt understand... please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:50pm
Debates about porn use aside, what you're dealing with here is a fundamental difference in what you each believe to be acceptable in a relationship.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:58pm
Unfortunately, Kim's right. This is a fundamental issue, it's based in beliefs and morals. You believe that porn is wrong, he does not. You're as likely to come to like and/or accept it as he is to come to feel it's wrong. I get the feeling that a porn addiction isn't a concern, you don't indicate that he's looking at it "all the time", or instead of being with you, or spending an amount of money on porn that causes the family to struggle, right?


I have a friend who's s/o looked at porn on their computer. He left pages up though. She didn't like it and told him so. She asked that he not view it when she's home and that he not have it up when she comes home. He's complied and that satisfied the situation for them; she didn't want to stop him from looking at it, she just didn't want to be faced with it herself. Someone once asked her if he still looks at it, her response was, "I don't know, why would I check?" That makes her situation different than yours, she simply wanted not to be faced with it and has no interest in checking the computer history or knowing if he's looking, when he's looking, etc. You don't want him looking, you believe it's wrong and don't want him doing it. That makes this one of those no-win situations. Neither of you is wrong, but your beliefs are different and neither is going to change the other. Your choice, IMO, is to accept the situation as it is or look for a partner who's values and morals match your own.

I'm sorry I don't have a better answer ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:19am
I am tired of the all men do it excuse. That is so not true. My husband finds it degrading. That is his personal opinion. No body is wrong here. He does it because he likes to look at beautiful women. You are right you can not compete. They are surgically enhanced and these images have probably been "touched up".I am sure he does not think that these women are better than you. It is pure fantasy for him. It is upsetting to you and you two should sit down and discuss it. I know how you feel. My first husband would do it and lie about it. The issue was him lying about it. Does he lie about it? Do not compromise your values. In the end this WILL damage your relationship. Something needs to be done now before it is too late
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:45am
For many people, it's not the people in porn that they're attracted to, but it's the act itself that's arousing and gets people going. I've never met a man who romanticised porno women. If this is something you absolutely couldn't share with him, I'd nip it in the bud or consider a divorce. If he uses this as an aid to masturbation, it's highly unlikely he's going to change.