@ home mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
@ home mom
10
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:18am
How do you at home moms feel sexy, attractive, like a women?
I feel like a mom. Only a mom, I love my kids more than life, but how do you get out of the rut, where you would rather watch your child sleep than be with your significant other, because your a mom now, not a love.
My kids are 7, 3, 2, 5 months.
I want to feel like a sexy, attractive mother of 4, at 26 yrs. old.
Not a frump!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: romeosma
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:49pm
Welcome to the board, Romeosma ~


I think it's important to want to be with your significant other, I think it's important to want to continue to be a love as well. You are a mom, yes, but that's not all you are, and that can't fulfill all your needs as an adult.


I'm wondering, is this a rut or is it more? Your answers will help determine how to answer your post:

  • How has your relationship with your s/o been, before you had any children and as they came along and now?
  • Were/are you happy and satisfied in your relationship?
  • Were/are problems that have come up in your relationship resolved?
  • Is your s/o happy with how things are now?
  • Is your partner the father of all your children?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-08-2007
    In reply to: romeosma
    Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:22am
    things were great before all the kids.
    but now, I stay at home from 8-7 everyday except tues. and thurs. he is home at 4 cause i go to school.
    but he doesn't help at all.
    he says i stay at home all day i should do it all at home.
    so when he gets home its tv time until bed time. which he sleeps dowstairs on the couch, and has for 9 months. don't ask why he has a MILLION excuses!!!!
    i have given up doing his laundry, because do you know how hard it is to keep up on laundry for 6 people??? plus towels and blanket...
    he was great until about the 2nd child. then it has just went farther and farther down the hill.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    In reply to: romeosma
    Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:09pm

    romeosma,

    That's simple. Shower, get decked out, get and wear a nice sexy outfit and seduce your husband when the kids are in bed. Take care of your outside and it will take care of your inside. Plus not to mention the change will rev up your husband enough to make you rev up even more.

    Best of luck,
    defleppardgal

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:54am
    Romeo, this sounds like a lot more than you not wanting to be a love because you're a mom now; it sounds more like many years of a neglected relationship, a lack of partnership in dealing with the house and kids, total overwhelming responsibility on your part, countered with total lack of empathy, assistance and responsibility on his, which leads to a lot of resentment on your part. Who feels like being sexy and attractive to a guy who treats you like a lower class citizen, a maid more or less? I'm betting you wouldn't have much trouble feeling close if your guy treated this like a partnership, pulled his weight around the house, helped you out and treated you like you were valued, right? I was married to a guy who thought all household/kid responsibilities were mine, once he was off work, he was off, but my job was 24/7. I know how that feels. What are some of his excuses for sleeping on the couch for the last nine months?


    I've got to say, Romeo, this sounds like a whole different issue than the one you originally presented. It sounds like your marriage has some pretty serious issues; if he's not helping because it's your job, even though you're obviously overwhelmed and not able to handle it all. Also, if he's been sleeping on the couch for the last nine months, it sounds like there are some pretty big gaps between you two. Some unresolved issues and disagreements? I can't think you've had much of a relationship this last nine months, are you doing much more than simply living in the same house? Do you interact much? What was going on between you at the time he started sleeping on the couch and what's going on now? I mean between the two of you, not housework, etc.


    I know you're overwhelmed, I'm sure you're frustrated, angry and tired of it all, I don't know how you couldn't be. We'll be able to offer some things when we understand what's going on here.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-04-2006
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:12am

    its hard but you can do it...buy a dress, make-up, underwear set and all that good stuff every now and then and try to get the good deals cuz you will feel even better when you save money..or..get your hair, nails and brows done at the at a nice place (alone with no kids!!) i know it sounds like im telling new things and changes will make your problem go away but im not..(when u look good u feel good)

    put a little make-up on around the house.
    get out the house and have some time alone with a good friend.
    take a shower as soon as u wake-up in the morn so u can fight the day.
    get your home organized so things will flow smooth.

    it sounds like you lost your pep and thats not good for any woman.
    you want 2 feel the way you did before you had kid and you can but it will never be the same but that dont mean your life is over. i felt the same way when i stoped working a while back. i have 3 kids 9,2,3, and its hard but i know you can do it. im sure you are a wonderful mom/wife but even moms/wifes need a break every now and then. you should tell your spouse about the way you are feeling so he can help you along the way..you dont want this to effect your relationship.

    i hope i was helpfull and if not feel free to contact me and ill help you the best way i can...i dont know enough about you so im just guess-n of things that will help you out..tt4n..

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:53am
    Def and Thetruth, do you really think getting dressed up is going to fix this? You think that's all it's going to take for her husband to feel that he should help care for the kids and deal with things when he's home? You think that getting dressed up is going to resolve him having chosen to sleep on the couch for the last nine months?


    When do you guys think she's going to have time to get all dressed up while she's running herself ragged taking care of four kids and the home without help?


    Am I missing something???








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:34pm

    cl-2nd_life,

    I posted my response before I read the other post that the OP wrote, giving more details about the relationship. After reading those I think that there has to be alot more work on both ends. I'm still thinking of another response to give though. Sorry.

    defleppardgal

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:32pm
    Shoot, Def, you're entitled to your opinion, you know that, but your response was out of line with how I would have expected you to answer. Adding that a second poster said the same I thought maybe I was out of whack!








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-30-2002
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:52pm

    I agree w/cl-2ndlife. this is way beyond needing to dress up. There are bigger issues here that are going on.

    I am the mother of one toddler so I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to be the mother of four. To do it with no help and probably a bit of resentment growing too, would be rather difficult. But I will say that feeling better about ourself can go a long way in boosting our feelings about ourselves and that can, in turn, lead to changes in how we are willing to be treated.

    I developed a thyroid issue that went undiagnosed after my pregnancy. I struggled sooooooo hard to lose that weight. For 18 months I excercised, ate well, I ate smaller and smaller amounts, I actually ate less than my child, but to no avail. As someone who had been slim her entire life this was difficult. Add to that "helpful" family members who constantly felt the need to remind me how unhealthy carrying the extra weight was for me. I have a scientific degree, did they think I didn't HAVE that information?

    Got diagnosed. Started taking medication. The pounds came off.

    One of my sisters recently told me she thought I had been getting up in the middle of the night and eating because I was so heavy but didn't eat much.

    But my body was really different. Pregnancy and weight gain had changed me. Even though I was losing the weight I felt like a total frump. So I went on the What Not To Wear BBC website, took the quiz and found out what my new style should be and how to make it work as a mom.

    I DID THIS ALL FOR MYSELF!!!! No one else in my life really cared how I dressed. I was taking care of myself for ME. I felt better for ME. At this particular time my relationship was in a major transition, my partner was hospitalized and diagnosed bi-polar. I didn't do it to make him happy. I did it for ME. For whatever reason, finally making MYSELF a priority and the simple act of buying myself a cute pair or comfortable, practical shoes (on-line) besides sneakers and getting contact lenses gave ME a boost of energy and helped ME feel better during a really bad time. So I do believe that it is important to take care of ourselves in these small ways.

    But I by no means believed that losing the weight and looking better was going to fix the damage his BP had done to our relationship. That was a bunch of other work that came from BOTH of us. That was individual and couples counseling, medication for him and big time boundry setting from me.

    Maybe a little self care will help you feel less depressed but what you really need is some support and some therapy. Since he doesen't sound like the kind of guy that's looking to resolve much in the relationship I think you should go by yourslef. Try to find someone to watch your kids for 2 hours a week and find a therapist or a womans group. If money is an issue, call your local domestic violence center and ask for referrals. There does not have to be abuse. These centers are often a local clearing house of sorts that can point families to resources they need.

    It also seems like you could be depressed (and who wouldn't be?). Have you spoken to your doctor about this? You are a prime candidate for post partum depression at this time and your situation makes you a candidate for reactionary/situational depression. TALK TO YOUR DR!

    I am sorry for your situation. I have a sister in a similiar situation and I can't seem to help her. I did convince her to discuss her depression with her Dr. She went on medication and even though her situation has not changed much she is changing the way she copes with it to a degree. I'm not saying to look to a pill for a cure but there are times our physiology needs a little boost. Four pregnancies, a house to run, lack of support. That's bound to take it's toll on anyone. I don't think I can remember what I was doing when my dd was 5 months old but I know if SHE was sleeping I was and you don't get to do that.

    Give yourself a bit of a break. Since H isn't being of any assistance find a way to get yourself some help even for a couple of hours a week. When my dd was 18 months old I put her in daycare a couple of hours a week since at that point I was a single mom and needed a break. Sounds like your kind of a married, single parent. Think of things that way when you start looking for support and assistance. Just figure that you are alone in believing you need a reprieve and you are the only one that is going to figure out how to get yourself one and DO IT! No matter what he says.



    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    In reply to: romeosma
    Thu, 01-11-2007 - 4:43pm

    cl-2nd_life,

    No you weren't the one out of it, I was. hahaha!

    I have 5 1/2 weeks left until this little creature who, (by the way I'm already very much in love with and can't wait until she is here) is sucking my rational way of thinking is out. hahaha! What is it about pregnancy and being stupid and absent minded?? Course that's if I make it another 5 weeks, last night we had to rush to the hospital, I went into pre-term labor and they had to give me drugs to stop it. If it happens again then I have to go back and stay. Once I hit 36/37 then they'll let her come when she wants, but I've got to get to 36/37 first. So I'm trying not to stress for the next atleast 15-20 days.

    When I first read the OP's post she didn't mention the relationship problems other then her just not feeling sexy. I thought I was giving her a few ideas to change that. But then in her response to you that's when I found out there was more. I still haven't come up with any words of advice though. I'll be back on tract soon. hahaha!

    defleppardgal

    Defleppardgal