should i let her cheat

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
should i let her cheat
4
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 3:30pm
Ok. I have a very good female friend who i have been 'talking' to ever since we met. We never started going out due to the fact she was just out of a relationship and was not yet ready for another so soon. About 2 months ago one of her past ex bf's asked her out once again and she said yes. I would have asked her out myself except i didnt realize she was ready for a relationship again. We talked aobut it and she appoligized for the misunderstanding saying shes sorry becuase we woulda been such a cute couple. We have still maintained our 'talking' status and have actually gotten closer and more flirty with another. She has her complaints about her bf but doesn't want to break up with him because she has always been the one to end there past relationships and always ended up feeling bad and wanting him back afterwards. I can't wait around forever for them to break up so we can start going out like we both want to. Would it be right for me to try to make moves on her and try to keep the physical part of our relationship like she doesnt have a bf? Or should I be the good friend and not make moves on her and help keep her loyal to her bf? Or are there any other options I should take?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 5:48pm
Well, you can't "let" her cheat; you can't allow it, and you can't stop it. You can only make choices for yourself, she makes her own choice.


Neither of the options you presented are appropriate. What you should do is end your "friendship" because it's not a real friendship, you're a guy who's pretending to be friends with a girl when really your feelings are more than "friend" feelings and really what you're there for is to be there so that when she's ready you can go out with her yourself. I hate to tell you, but you've already done that and she passed you by. If she was really interested in going out with you, don't you think she would have found a way to let you know? She would have at least told you that so-and-so had asked her out and she wasn't sure if she should say yes..... she chose this new guy over you. You're the guy in the wings, the guy she has in reserve just in case nothing better comes along. Sorry about that, but it's the way it is. You're much better off to find someone who wants to be with you first not if nothing else comes along. Besides, would you really want a girlfriend that you know will talk to other guys, flirt with other guys and tell them that the relationship isn't going so great (hint, hint?)?

Cut her loose and go find your own girl.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:13pm
I agree with 2nd life. Move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:20pm

I wrote this response almost verbatim and then deleted it. But I came back after reading yours to say that I agree with you completely.

My first thought was, he was in the wings and she chose the "ex" boyfriend, he was in the wings when she obviously had "no" boyfriend and he is still in the wings and she has chosen to be with yet another guy.

The title "should I 'let' her cheat" threw me for a loop. I thought it was pretty presumptuous of the original poster to assume she would cheat with him after he had been passed over so many times in the first place.

...Sigh....What you said Cl_2nd_Life.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 6:37am

Haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I repeat. My opinion is that you are focussing on the wrong issues.

The question is not whether you should "lure" her away from this old b/f, or wait for her to dump him again. What you need to be asking yourself is whether or not you want to be something other than a friend to a person who is clearly not ready for ANY relationship. The fact that she has always been the dumper rather than the dumpee, but then "felt bad" and wanted the b/fs back, is an indicator of immaturity at best, and self-centeredness and lack of insight at worst.

That's not to say that this girl is a bad person, only that she doesn't have a handle on what she wants - she may not know, may be totally oblivious to her own needs and the needs of others, or she may not care. Either way, she has some work to do before she is a good prospect for any one, including you.

Examine what it is you like about her. If it's mostly the physical stuff you're longing for, don't let that lead you down what could be a very bad road. A "relationship" that is nothing but physical is fine as long as both people are completely aware of the terms. But if you want more than that - and be honest with yourself about this - then you need to see that her history does not indicate a liklihood of success for you. At least not right now.

Good luck.

LRM