Fighting too much!
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| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:44am |
Hello! I am at my wit's end here, and thought someone might be able to give me some advice!
My DH and are are fighting constantly these days! To the point where we have at least 2 disagreements a day, and then one of us goes off and pouts and we are bitter with each other for the rest of the day.
Let me back up a bit: we have been married for 2 1/2 years, and been together for almost 5. He really is a wonderful man- caring, helps around the house, really good with kids (we don't have any yet, but want to start a family soon), and even attempts to sit and listen to me at night (when I bug him to turn the tv off!)
The things that bug me, though, are that he has a short fuse - if I piss him off, he can shortly go into a yelling fit instead of just being annoyed. Whenever we argue it's always 'you, you, you' (like I'm always the one to blame for arguments. I'm not saying I'm not the culprit in at least half, but I don't like that he blames me for everything). He always brings up something else to accuse me of when we are fighting (doesn't just stick to the argument at hand), and then it starts to boil down to the fact that we haven't had sex lately (which isn't always true).
Lately, we have had a rough go of things. Last July he got a new job, and from July thru November he was traveling at least 50% of the time. He has since stopped, but that put a big strain on our relationship. Since he has been back, I haven't been as happy as I feel like I used to be. A lot of this has to do with my job (things changing at work, not for the better), holiday madness, and overall stress. Not all to do with him, but some of the frustration was taken out on him, because I didn't feel like I was getting all the love and support I needed thru this stressful time. He blames himself if I am not happy (even if has nothing to do with him, which I try to tell him), and then gets angry at himself and us.
So, the month of December was stressful and now we can't stop arguing, and I feel like he is resenting me and blaming all of our problems on me. We have talked a lot, tried to read 'women are from venus, men are from mars' to understand some of our differences and needs in the relationship (and reading really did help for us to at least talk about our relationship), but even though we do these things, it doesn't seem to be working. We keep arguing, and then he'll say 'well in the book it said', or I'll think 'well, we just read the book, didn't he remember he wasn't supposed to talk like that?', etc. etc.
It's like we are trying to fix things, but we keep falling back into the old rut and just arguing. (mind you, our relationship has always been great, but never perfect- we have always disagreed and argued, but now it seems to be to an extreme). He also says our relationship would be better if we had sex more, because he likes intimacy. Now, I do too, but I feel he needs sex more and just all around cuddle time/touching more. You think it would be the other way around, but I really like my space sometimes! The funny thing is, I feel like we cuddle all the time! On the couch on the weekends is when we cuddle most, and we snuggle at least half the nights before going to bed. We have sex about twice a week (usually on weekends), which is good for me, but he obviously wants it more. If we have sex 2 or more times in a week, he just wants more (it's like I haven't satiated him enough), and is always coming up to me when I'm cooking, cleaning, etc. and trying to lift up my shirt or start something. It used to be cute, but now it just bugs me when I'm busy or not in the mood and he's bugging me to have sex. Then he gets mad and we get into an argument. I can't win!
Anyway, this is getting long, and I'm sure I could say more, but I'm wondering if anyone has any advice?? What are we doing wrong and how can we fix this? I don't necessarily mind arguing or disagreeing about things, but now we are getting bitter when we disagree and it's not healthy. I love him and I want our relationship to work and be happy.
Thanks!

I'm glad you wrote what you did, it wasn't too long, and it's important to have a good understanding of the situation; you can't really offer thoughts and suggestions that make sense and can really help the situation if you don't have a good understanding of what the situation is!
That being said, believe it or not, I have a few questions that I'll need to be clear on before I can form an opinion and give you some decent thoughts and suggestions:
I promise you, I do have some suggestions for you, but I'm waiting to have a clear view so I can go into it all instead of piecing it together, and probably having to backtrack about something I suggested that doesn't make sense in line with the new information.
Thanks in advance, I'll be checking back for your answers!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for your response: here are my answers to your following questions:
"You indicate that your relationship has always been really good and that these problems have come up since December, but some of the problems you mention are more likely long term problems, so I want to make sure that I'm understanding correctly. For instance, you said you get upset that he skips the annoyed stage and goes straight to full-on anger. You also said he blames you for *all* the problems, and that he wants more sex than you. All of these are more typically things that are personality-type issues rather than new things that come up. Are these really new or did I misunderstand?"
Our relationship has been good, but we've always fought (except for the first 6 months, when everyone is always in bliss- ha!) So, these aren't new issues, they just seem to be more prominent lately. So, we've argued about them before, but not to this level.
"I'm also not clear on your fighting. You say you blow at each other twice a day and spend a good amount of time afterward being angry. I can't see where you'd have much time (or desire) for discussing, reading "Mars and Venus", having sex, or being playful with each other."
We're funny about our fighting- we get mad, but then we need to get stuff done (like who is picking up the dog, groceries, etc.), and then end up having to talk about everyday stuff, which usually stops the fighting (even if we are still annoyed with each other). Then we will get home and try to be civil and nice to each other, which gives us time to talk (unless we start arguing again). I guess you could say we don't fight all day, because we do communicate all the time, we just might have bitter feelings under the surface, which come back up right away when the other person pisses us off.
"You also said that he comes up behind you, reaching up your shirt playfully, etc.,and that while it used to be cute, it's now irritating. How long has it been irritating?"
For awhile. I think this is more my problem than his. I don't like to be intimate when I am annoyed with him, and since I've been annoyed with him so much lately, I get annoyed when he comes up to try to start something. I have a tendency to hold grudges (something I am trying to stop!), so even if it's been a couple hours, I will not always want him to touch me. We also have differing opinions on how much sex we like- I think 2-3 times a week is perfectly fine (more or less depending on the week), and I feel like he would do it every day if he could!
"It sounds like what you're arguing about is petty stuff, is that right?"
YES!!!! We agree on most big issues, but the small stuff is what gets us.
"How does this fighting style vary from the way you've handled problems (and/or fought) in the past?"
His fighting style is a lot dirtier than anyone else I have ever dealt with. His temper and name calling aren't what I have ever dealt with in the past. He tries to work on it, and usually cools off as quickly as he gets mad, but I find it very annoying (and I find myself fighting dirty back to defend myself).
"Do your problems, the things you're arguing about, ever get resolved?"
Once in awhile, but the reoccuring fights obviously don't seem to. We do seem to argue about the same things over and over again (whether it be about his temper, my holding grudges, sex, etc.... we even argue about how we argue!)
Thanks for your questions- I look forward to hearing your response!
Mindylou77
(by the way, I have no idea how to change the font, so hopefully I spaced it out enough for you to read the answers!)
Before forget, when I asked how this fighting style vary from the way you've handled problems (and/or fought) in the past, I meant how was the way you two handle it now different than the way you two have handled it in the past. I asked because you indicated all this was new and different than before. Is it?
I don't think it's at all unusual that you're not thrilled with his "grabbiness", it's pretty much impossible to feel open and free with someone who's name calling, etc.; that's a person who you pretty much feel defensive about, the open, sharing, loving stuff doesn't really come into play for you. Not only that, but in a situation where there are unresolved problems, this can become a big wedge between you too and can result in feeling anything but loving and accepting. You've said he accuses you of holding a grudge, I don't know the details, but I suspect some of that may surround you not "letting go" of his name calling. I can tell you that name calling and other dirty fighting techniques do a lot to destroy a relationship and you're not wrong or "holding a grudge" to continue to feel angry, hurt or question his true feelings over those things. Words said can't be taken back, once they're out, an apology will not remove them, they're embedded in the memory and the damage done is great.
It's good that you agree on big things, hopefully, that means you can work through your style of dealing with things, resolving it so it won't continue to be an issue and won't continue to be a destructive element in your relationship.
The first thing I'd suggest is talking about your fighting. I don't mean talking about the issues, I mean talking about the dynamics of how you deal with problems. The only time to do this is when there isn't a problem you're currently dealing with or angry about. You both need to be clear and upbeat. I know it's no fun to consider bringing up a bad subject when things are good, but you both have to be in a non-combative, non-defensive mode in order to look at your situation. Your talk needs to be at a time when you know you have time to discuss it fully. Examine how you fight, talk about your concerns about it, how it makes you feel, etc. and work to find a better way to deal with things that you can both agree to. Consider working on those recurring and unresolved issues, rather than when they come up and you're angry about them, pick one to talk about and discuss it, nothing else. A common problem that happens during a recurring, unresolved arguing style is getting of the issue, bringing up and going into other issues. Before you know it, you're on to something else, and in the end, nothing gets resolved. If that happens to you, you might try writing the subject at hand down on a piece of paper and put it on the table in front of you. It'll serve to remind you what the subject is and help you stay on task, all you have to do is glance at it once in a while. If you husband or you are prone to bringing up other issues, the "non-offending" partner can help keep things on task by saying, "Right now we're talking about xxxx, we can talk about your subject later." Don't try to solve too many problems at once, get through one issue and end your discussion. Trying to go into more will overload one of you and it'll end up in a fight. One at a time and let it go.
Something that can be quite effective in stopping someone who calls names and says things they say they don't mean later is, when they say the hurtful, mean thing, immediately look them in the eye and say, "Ouch". That brings them back to the reality of what they've said and how it's made you feel without you defending yourself by throwing hateful words back. It usually stops them from continuing during that argument and eventually (hopefully)gets them out of the habit of throwing hurtful words, into the habit of more self control and a more mature way of dealing with arguments.
Here are some really great articles that should be very helpful in getting you working in a better direction:Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
If that doesn't get you where you need to be, I'd suggest seeing a therapist who's accredited in couples counseling to work on constructive problem resolution and fighting. You may agree on the big stuff, but if you don't resolve the problems you have with the little stuff (which comes up all the time), it can tear your relationship apart.
What do you think?~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
cl-2nd_life,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate all your suggestions and ideas. My DH and I definetely need to talk about our fighting style, because I think sometimes that hurts us more than what we are fighting about. I like the idea of saying 'ouch', too... what a great way to bring you both back in the moment. I'm going to try it next time we get into a big fight (hopefully not any time soon!), and see what happens.
My DH and I have a lot of work to do in our relationship to be positive and strong. I think in some ways him and I both know we need to stop the petty fighting, but the hardest part is fixing it and making it right when emotions come into play. I think we both react before thinking, and that just enhances the problem.
I'm hoping we can work on this without a therapist, but that will be a 'wait and see' approach.
Thanks again!
Mindylou77
We're funny about our fighting- we get mad, but then we need to get stuff done (like who is picking up the dog, groceries, etc.), and then end up having to talk about everyday stuff, which usually stops the fighting (even if we are still annoyed with each other). Then we will get home and try to be civil and nice to each other, which gives us time to talk (unless we start arguing again). I guess you could say we don't fight all day, because we do communicate all the time, we just might have bitter feelings under the surface, which come back up right away when the other person pisses us off.>>>
This paragraph leads me to think that while you two are indeed communicating, you are not doing so about the things that bother you the most. I would highly suggest carving out some time to really talk about the issues bothering you. Perhaps you could write some things down and plan a few days in advance so that you both have time to cool off and put your thoughts together. Also, be prepared to take as good as you give, lol. Try to remember that he is working through issues as well.
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Is his family like this? This sounds like something he grew up with and I'm assuming you did not? I have the issue your dh has (though I've gotten better) and the number one way dh has of dealing with me is to speak very calmly and firmly. It sort of breaks through the anger and forces me to stop and think for a moment. Now, name calling is something I don't do (though I'm sorely tempted at times) and I think when your guy starts this a calm, firm "Do you really feel that way about me? If not, please stop speaking to me in that way" would go a long way.
I hope you'll use "ouch" the next time it applies, I hope by saying you'll use it in your next big fight you mean he only says things like that in big fights.
What do you mean about counseling being a 'wait and see' approach?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"