It hurts, and I shouldn't let it.
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| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 2:13pm |
BF and I are technically over. We are in the process of waiting for a plan so he can move out. No one knows, we are the happy couple to everyone including our kids.
So yesterday I saw a few e-mails from him to his son's mother's sister. She invited him to a party, and is asking on whether he is going. Keep in mind that SS's mom lives with her sister and she despises me. SS mom, not only doesnt want to pick up SS for her weekend but wants to drop off her other kid too (because of the party). I asked him about the party, (he doesnt know i saw the e-mail, it was on his screen and I peeked) and whether or not he was invited, joking around with him. He acted surprised. As if it was the first he heard of them having a party. Responded surprised as well. His response in the e-mail was that if there were going to be any hotties there? and if he wanted to go he would, he didnt need permission.
Now I know we are kind of over, but talking like this and to the sister of the witch? That hurts, and him keeping it from me. Not being honest about it. Also, the witch herself, sends him e-mails saying how she knows he loves her, and closes them with, love you much etc.
I can't stop crying. I am so hurt by all of this. He claims innocence. What a load of crap. I hate him, I wish I could.

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Any way to save this relationship?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm sorry to be asking questions, but they'll help me understand the situation a lot better:
I know the last thing you need are questions, but if you could answer them, it would help me be able to understand and, if nothing else, commiserate with you.
Acting like everything's fine when nothing is fine can't be easy, and I'm sure it's taking a toll on you. I'm not so sure it wouldn't be better for all to announce a split is coming and deal with it from there. Being able to co-habitat despite the fact that it's coming to an end isn't a bad thing and will probably let the kids have more time to deal with it, sort through it, and come to terms with it. It's much more traumatic when it's a shock and suddenly their lives all change. JMO.
So sorry all this is happening to you, I know it's not what you wanted.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
First, SS lives with us so BM plans on just not picking him up that weekend. Secondly, she wants BF to take in her other son for the weekend too, so technically drop him off at our house. I assume BM doesn't know that her sister has invited BF to party. Bottom line is its an adult party, no kids.
I am a little confused by your post. My boyfriend was the one invited to the party by SS aunt. He is the one who lied about not knowing about the party, and actually responding to her with "will there be any hotties" and "I don't need permission, if I want to go I will" not SS. Why would he lie to me about it? I don't know, that is what I have been asking myself. Its almost like he is making himself look "cool". Not realizing or ever thinking that I would see it, or how it would hurt me. Heck maybe he was just joking. I dont know, all I do know is that he lied and I have given him more than one opportunity to come clean and he hasn't.
SS is 12 and his brother is 7.
My reasoning for not saying aything is hope. Hope that BF will realize what a change he is making and whether or not its what he really wants. Hope that he will realize that he is hurting not only himself, but his son, my daughter and me with his decision. Hope that we can finally move on from this nightmare. Once its out in the open there is no taking it back, there is no, oops nevermind.
Its hard, and yes it would be less traumatic, but my 14 yr old can't handle knowing that a split is coming, it would be too stressful for her already stressful teen life. And SS, too he is finally feeling at home in our home. he actually called it home a few weeks ago and stopped calling his mom's house home. How can we just throw it in the air for him again. I guess I want to postpone the inevitable untill then.
Boy, I'll bet you are confused, so was I ~ I thought it was the stepson who had been invited to the party.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you. I did confront him about it yesterday. He started to turn things on me, as in why i had snooped etc. As in he never thought i would do something like that and how what else i snoop or if i have his computer monitored. He made me feel worse than I felt about doing it already. BUt I stuck to my guns and kept my points vivid in the conversation. He did apologize for unintentionally hurting me. He said the reason he didnt mention it was because he wasn't even considering going and the hotties comment was made as a joke. That he and SS aunts always joke that way. I explained it to him, that in all the years I have known him and we have been together I never heard him "joke that way" with her and if he wouldnt find it disrespectful if i "joked that way" when talking to other people. As for SS mom's uncalled for e-mails, he said she is and will always be like that, that he has just learned to ignore her.
They are all good responses I guess, but somehow I am not satisfied. He swears he loves me, is always showing me so. Kisses, hugs, holding hands...etc But somehow I feel he is already moving on. He says and swears that he isnt and isnt planning on it for a long time. That his life is pretty much ruined. He doesnt want another relationship to "ruin" so he says. That everything he touches he "messes" up. I don't know. I just need to stop thinking so much. I wish that we could just forget about all the drama and be a happy family finally. Him, Son, Daughter, and I.
I'm not sure I understand.
We love each other. That is and has not been an issue. Technically we or more like he decided since I could not love BM's son as his own or mine, then our relationship could not go anywhere else. Once ready to move, by end of this month or next, we are done. there is no more us. He is always showing me how he feels. Hugging me in public. Just when we watch tv, tells me how much he loves me etc. Our feelings for each other have not been an issue. We are no longer intimate. We still go out on dates, etc. Other than this issue, we can and would be happy.
So status, I guess we are a couple until he moves out.
I have to ask, why are you leaving the decision primarily in his hands? It is your house, correct? What is it YOU want out of a relationship and do you think he can give that to you? I'm not talking about what you hope he can give you, but what is he giving you now and is this something you can live with if it continues? If you can't live with it now, as is, please don't make the mistake in thinking it will suddenly change into a situation you would prefer. Unless he puts some real effort into things (and I don't mean physical) how he is now is exactly how he will be in a few months, or years, etc.
I will tell you what I tell my closest friends who are having difficulties in their relationships. Decide what you want for your life-relationships, money, homelife, etc-and create your boundaries. Then hold your ground. Don't be afraid to bend a little on things that aren't a big deal to you, but allow yourself to move on when something isn't making you happy.
Also, "should" is a word I stopped associating with emotions a long time ago. "Should" is a word we use when thinking of how others will perceive our feelings and really has little bearing on the reality of the emotions themselves. You feel how you feel and until you let yourself experience that hurt, it will continue. Dancing around the emotions with "I shouldn't feel this way" only prolongs the suffering, IME.
Yes I agree on the should part. In my mind the heading was meant more as coaching for myself. As in I shouldn't feel this way, or I shouldn't eat that etc.
I am not letting him make the decision, we made it together in a way. We love each other very much, we both love our kids. I love his, he, I think, loves mine. The problem is, He wants to bring into our family mix SS brother whom he once thought was also his son about 5+ years ago. He hasnt been there for him as a dad, hasnt been honest to anyone in the family about the truth either. SS brother has been to our home maybe a handful of times a year.
Now that we were ready to move on, get a bigger place since SS is now living with us primarily and visiting his mom EOW (if that. the woman is a pain)He springs this on me. I was asked to accept that this child will be considered by all means another of our children, his son my stepson and that when appropriate in the near future he will join his brother in living with us. He wants me to love and care for him as I would his son and my daughter. He wants him to be a part of our family. BM would not object. Biological dad however may have something to say. Significant other (SO) will not hear it. To him this child has no relationship with his bio dad, that is what the BM has led him to believe. After all the lies and deceit of this woman, SO still believes her.
Bio dad has and continues to have a relationship with his son, as a matter of fact I have it on pretty good authority that he has for the past several years. SS, his brother and their mother go much out of their way to keep this from SO. SS is the oldest of 3, all different dads. SS 12, his brother, 7 his sister, 2.
Knowing what I know and SO refusing to see things different or in their true light in addition that BM is the devil in disguise. Also the handful of times that I have been around SS's brother, no feelings have ever really developed in me towards him. I see him as a child in my home, I wont let him get hurt, feed him etc..but nothing more. I truly believe that I will never be able to feel for him how I feel for SS or my daughter. I offered to accept him coming EOW, if that. SO wants that and for me to love him equally along with knowing that we will be financially and emotionally responsible for him in the future. That alone sends our plans of having a child of our own down the drain. Financially we could only afford one more. By refusing to accept, I put an end to "us".
I dont know if I made much sense but that is the cream of it.
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