i kept it a secret till 2 day

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
i kept it a secret till 2 day
2
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 4:14am

i love my b/f and would never do anything 2 hurt him but i have been keep-n a secret from him for five mos.. we have been together off and on for 9 years and are plan-n 2 move in together in the near futher. he has been my lover, my friend & my advisor for 9 years and even though we had seperated we have remained in eachothers lifes all that time.

a few months back i was late and i told him i thought i was pregnant. i told him it would be impossible 2 cary it full term/have it. i had fixed myself 2 years ago so i knew have-n another child wasnt going 2 be that easy but he didnt have a clue. he asked me so r we going 2 have a baby or what? but the look on his face was the sweetist look i had ever seen in all the years i had ever known him. i had 2 explain 2 him there would be no baby but the more i tried the more it hurt me so i told him the odds were very slim/2 slim and i couldnt have a baby. i told him i was bleed-n and didnt want 2 know if i lost it cuz it would kill me. i knew in my heart i was pregnant and was lose-n it but i wanted 2 pretend it was a all bad dream like it never happened.he said he understood and we never spoke of it untill 2 day.

the truth was i couldnt live this life not know-n what could have been so i took a test a few days after we had, had that talk and it was positive. i had lost it within weeks and never went 2 the doc. i told him the truth lil by lil today in a text and he called my cell phone 2 ask me what i was talk-n about so i told him the truth. he saked me if i went 2 c a doc and said i should have went cuz i never got a (dnc)?. he couldnt say much cuz he wasnt alone so he said he would call me in a few hours and i aint herd from him yet. ive been so alone deal-n with my loss. i realized i took on more then i had ever imagened by keeping this 2 my self. i would look at him sometimes and wish he would hold me and tell me it would be ok but i was the 1 that made it like this..it was my fault..he had no clue cuz i left him in the dark. i have so many resons 4 why i did what i did and all i can say is sorry but its not good enough.

{{{{{ my question is }}}}}}
am i wrong?
how would this make u feel if it were u?---(guys input)
i dont real-e care what u want 2 say...{i just need any answers u can give me}...help!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 7:09am

I'm sorry, but I don't understand your problem. It isn't as though you were pregnant and had an abortion without telling him. What happened, just happened. I don't even understand why you thought you should keep the complete truth a secret. From your post, it sounds as though the only thing you kept from him was the fact that you had a positive pregnancy test before the miscarriage. What difference could that possibly make? For all you know, it was a false positive. And according to you, the outcome was certain anyway. Why did you even mention to him that you might be pregnant?

I am also worried that you said you had yourself "fixed." If that's so, then you need to see a doctor immediately if you were (or are still) bleeding. You also need to tell the doctor that in spite of the "fix" you MAY have gotten pregnant (based on the positive test).

Finally, if you are this confused about your situation, I suggest you get some therapy to deal with your physical condition. It seems that you are feeling guilty about having been sterilized - there's no need for that, and you need help to get over it.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:00pm
I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage, but I'm not sure I'm clear on what you're looking for. Are you saying that you're upset with him for not having been there for you, even though you know he couldn't have been there because he didn't know? If so, I think all you can do is stay clear in the realization that his lack of support is not his fault, continue to realize you made the choice to keep this to yourself. If you're concerned what his reaction will be (you seem concerned to not have heard back from him), I think explaining that right or wrong, you chose not to tell him because you didn't want to hurt him.


I'm confused at what you mean by "having yourself fixed" though. If you've been sterilized, pregnancy shouldn't be possible at all, what do you mean?








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"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

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