Friends!! Not Friends!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Friends!! Not Friends!!
11
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:23pm
I have told you before that OLD does not seem to work for me. I m not used to the idea of meeting people only once and that's it.
Although I did not meet anyone worth my interest I always told them:I dont see any chance for romance but we can always be friends if you are up to it.
Now I m starting to regret this. As I dont think this friendship thing works anymore with OLD. One guy for example, works at night so there is no way we could meet except on weekends. The past weekend I told him I will be out of town. Now it happens that on my way to the train station I met him on Sunday. So basicaly he knew that I left Sunday morning and not Saturday as I told him before. When he asked: how come you still here. I said change of plans my friend came late from the UK and I decided to meet him on Sunday instead of Sat. But the guy seemed very disturbed and I figured he thought I lied because I did not want to meet him on the weekend... I did not write to him after that and he did not write or call. So I guess he is mad. I dont see this behavior compliant with Friendship. I think he understood it like "lets be friend so you give me a chance to prove that I m worth being a boyfriend"... I m better off without this kind of friends in my life. Do you think I should tell him this or just Ghost or see if he can be a real friend...
thnx
J.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:28pm

A true friendship, much like a true relationship, takes time to cultivate. At this juncture, you don't know him and he doesn't know you, so how can you expect a real 'friendship'.

What you are right now is acquaintances hoping to form a friendship---the latter will happen if you two have compatible ideas of what a friendship entails....i.e. making plans, spending time together, etc.

Can friendship evolve out of a dating situation...I absolutely think so, but both parties need to have similar ideas of what friendship is and they both have to be willing to put the effort into it---instead of utilizing it as an escape clause because they're too scared to actually say 'hey, it was nice meeting you, but I just don't think we're compatible'.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:42pm

"I dont see this behavior compliant with Friendship."


Not trying to be mean, but neither is lying to him about your plans. If you really want to be friends, you would be up front about your plans.


MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:22pm

Why would friendship with someone you met thru OLD be different from someone you met in RL? People are people regardless of how you meet them. OLD is merely a medium for meeting people, once you meet in person it becomes real life.

What I see is a guy who is not contacting you because you lied to him and he caught you in it. How would you feel had it been you that caught him lying? Would you consider him good real life friend material?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:23pm

I would just let this guy go. You didn't LIE to him, your plans changed. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't call every friend I have to let them know when my plans change!

It is possible to be friends with someone you met through a dating site however; I have two good guy friends I dated a couple times...one of them I've known for years now and I even went to his wedding!

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:23pm

Where's the lie??? As I'm reading it, her plans changed and she didn't call to TELL him that...that's not lying.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:39pm

<>

Maybe I misread it. If that's the case I'm apologize to the OP for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:43pm

I guess to me it is unclear whether she lied or not. She said "I told him I would be out of town this weekend." and the part about how she happened to run into him on the way to the train on Sunday not Saturday as she'd led him to believe. I'll give the benefit of the doubt that she didn't lie, but it can go either way by the comments

Regardless, I think that in many cases, one person in the relationship no matter how far it went or didn't go has a problem with "let's just be friends". You can be friends with some people, but not with everyone. juliara, I think you are trying too hard to keep them all around and happy. He might have read the "let's just be friends" as a prospect for a dating future somewhere down the line or as Michelle said, he might just have a different idea of what friendship is. But I don't think he can handle it. Just let it slide. If he contacts you, fine. If not, no big loss. Not everyone is destined to be your friend from OLD or otherwise.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:08pm
Oh I thought it was clear in my posting that something came up and made me change my plans. Actually it happens with me all the time.
I plan to go to Ottawa (2 hours from Montreal) spend the weekend then because of some unforseen events I settle for one day instead of two. And I usually dont tell people that I changed my plans until I meet them again and we talk about the trip but usually I dont advertize it!! (DAH)
so anyhow this guy seemed very disappointed when he saw me going to the train station and made me feel like he has some expectations from me...
True I could have told him on Sat that I stayed in Montreal but I dont consider this whole thing a big deal and I was thinking if he made a big deal out of it that's because deep inside he doesnot want to be a casual friend he wants to be a boyfriend which will never happen since Idont find him physically attractive and he does not have a steady job and there is no way of contacting him during the day and he is online once every two days... so he is the one who contacts me usually by phone. but I mthinking I can get better friends with no hidden agendas! I wanted to know your opinion and see if I m rushing things by yanking this guy out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:51pm

I don't even understand this......

Lisa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:02pm

I already gave my opinion about being friends with this guy, but I'll give it again if it got overlooked in the misunderstanding about your weekend plans:

PASS! NEXT!

Sheri

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