Keeping expectations low
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| Wed, 01-26-2005 - 3:57pm |
I have a date set up for tomorrow. Actually I am surprised that he even is considering going out with me. He made communication during the time I was talking the Louisville Metro Police officer. I wasn't that interested in this guy initially. We had a date set, but I ended up cancelling. He was in between jobs and it seemed like he might be sort of a slacker. Anyway, I saw him online a few weeks later and sent him a quick hello. He sent me an email back and said that although he enjoys emailing me, he is no longer interested in dating me. I wrote him back and told him, that based on my behavior I certainly understand.
Well over the last couple of weeks he has gotten a great new job. He has been sharing his excitment with me, and admittedly we have gotten close. He decides that he wants to meet me after all.
I have tried to learn my lesson as to not get caught up prior to meeting, thus if it is dissapointing I am not on here whinning about the experience. But when you are wanting to meet someone...and meet some many losers, then when one does pique your interest, how do you not get caught up? And what is it about me that continues to fall in these same patterns of getting so caught up "Prior" to meeting them?
Jodie

I don't think it's just you. I think most of us experience the same feelings- especially if we've gone through a string of "losers" and the current guy really peaks our interest.
What I do to combat the urge to fantasize about how great things could be is keep busy. Go to the gym. Spend more time studying. Heck, sometimes I'll even clean my apartment (and that's my least favorite thing to do).
Just keep reminding yourself that he's just another guy- who seems interesting- and tell yourself to STOP when your imagination gets going.
Good Luck on your date! Have Fun!
What I do:
1. Strictly limit emails and phone calls prior to meeting so you don't fall prey to the "false sense of intimacy" (thinking you know someone because you've emailed and talked on the phone. If you can't meet for a while, then don't email or call him back for 2-3 days.
2. Remind yourself every time you think about him, "yep, he *seems* great on paper, but I know from experience that "seems" doesn't always translate. Besides, we haven't even MET yet, we may not hit it off in person." Repeat as necessary ;-)!
Sheri
Managing expectations is a rough one. We can say over and over how we know we need to do it... and still fall prey to them.
I had a first date a while back and man, it was fantastic. We'd emailed a bit and she was smart, funny, caring. Her pictures were very pretty and in person, she was even prettier. We hit it off well. On the way to get up and go (after sitting and chatting for a couple of hours!) she said she wanted to go out again.
We set a date for a few days later... and then the day before the date she emailed and cancelled. :(
Gahh! It really bugged me for a couple of reasons, but all those reasons boil down to one simple fact- I'd finally had a great time with a smart, funny, giving, gorgeous woman, and she wanted a second date so I was starting to think "maybe this one is going to work out!" and POW.
No date.
Sigh.
Dunno what else to say, other than it works the same way for both men and women, and even when we know we shouldn't build up too much in the way of expectations or hopes, it still happens.
your are a little dissatisfied with your situation of being single and you would like to do something about it. when talk to someone with mutual interest (changing their status from single and available to attached)you automatically feel better and wanting to maintain the feeling better effect you tend to believe there is a stronger bond between you and this other person.
The only way to change this is by acknowledging there are quite a few advantages to being single and using them to your benefit. So do all the things you could not do if you were attached. Try to have other single girl friends and have more fun going to GYM, movies, dance classes, language, improve your productivity at work.... And keep the online dating a secondary thing in your mind. Try not to email more than twice a day or chat longer than 10-20 min with the same person...
good luck
With M, not to sound superficial but he was my type looks wise and something in his writing and eyes really caught my interest. After we spoke and had a great conversation I knew I was excited to meet him and even after my first few dates a good friend brought me down off my cloud (didn’t rain on my parade but basically said, hey, I have a good feeling about this one, go a bit slower and see what happens) thus I ended taking it more in stride and am glad I did.
I say get caught up and have fun but keep an eye open so if it does fall it doesn’t burn too badly. Easier said then done but if you keep in mind that if this guy is still the same way months from now after your first fabulous date then you can let down your guard more unless you want too sooner and being a scorpio I don’t think you can hold back your feelings therefore if you don’t mind it if it doesn’t turn out, really your call.
Peanut
I really cannot imagine myself never getting excited about going on a date. It may be because I am so rarely asked, but I hope it's because I tend to greet each new experience with open arms and a (semi) clean slate. There is no other way for me to live, really, than to believe that hope indeed springs eternal.
I think it's great that you remain positive and "OLD Rule-less" with this guy. You went with your heart and that's the way to do it!
If you would like, I'll do the angst thing for you. What are friends for?
Ann-Marie
>>The only way to change this is by acknowledging there are quite a few advantages to being single and using them to your benefit. So do all the things you could not do if you were attached. Try to have other single girl friends and have more fun going to GYM, movies, dance classes, language, improve your productivity at work.<<
Um, being a guy, I'd settle for having just ONE single girlfriend. LOL
Those guys that try dating (seriously) more than one woman at once... I don't know what is going through their heads. I have a hard enough time keeping just one woman happy! :)
I'd have fun at the gym, but the problem with the weights there is that they're so darned HEAVY.
I've found that one can be excited, hopeful and open to new experiences but not have *expectations*.
Sheri
Hey True~
Admittedly, I have not read any responses...just your original post. I need to point something out though...
>>Well over the last couple of weeks he has gotten a great new job. He has been sharing his excitment with me, and admittedly we have gotten close. <<
You cannot "get close" without meeting in person and spending time together. Anything talked about on line, before meeting, sharing emotions, giving support is just a fantasy that you are setting up before you really get to know someone. Let's say.....his photos are fake, he has a wife, or he is waaaaay shorer/fatter/balder or WHATEVER and then you meet. Do you feel that this "closeness" online can overcome that??
Sweetie, I hope he is the man of your dreams. I hope you are married by spring and pregnant by fall.... BUT please don't fool yourself that you can "become close" with someone without meeting them and spending TIME with them. We have all thought this before and ptooie!
Hoping for the best and expecting the worst...
~XRG
I don't know - I've done the same thing.