So new, and feel like giving up already

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
So new, and feel like giving up already
16
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:07pm

I'm spent. I feel like I'm done already with this freakin dating thing, be it OLD or whatever. It's only been like 2-3 weeks and I'm already tired of the scene. The:
1. getting my hopes up
2. waiting for an email
3. either not getting one, or getting a canned hello
4. actually meeting someone and hitting it off (to me anyway), followed by either no contact, or minimal contact, but definitely not as "interested" after the meeting as before
5. did I mention waiting for an email?
6. and goshforbit a phone call....

I AM DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! I have lost all hope, and it's way early. What does this mean?

Oh, and by the way, did anyone else find that the email tones got less flirty, and less everything AFTER the first meeting?

*boo hoo* and i really thought we had hit it off

oh well, problem is, i can't bring myself to say NEXT because I just DO NOT want to go through this all over again.....

HOW did you get to be able to deal with the pain of something not working out? and pick yourself up to do it all over again? do you just not have high expectations? does the pain just get easier to deal with the more rejections? does one become hardened to it?

me needs a big hug.... )-:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:16pm

HI WannaS,

Yes, it WILL get easier, hang on, Sloopy!

Because 'callouses' are So 'uncupcake-like', I call it (per my Texas heritage!) putting the 'armadillo armor' around your heart! What will happen to you, after a time OLD, is that you will begin to have NO expectations about your upcoming date./calls/incoming emails. This is a good thing, although it might take some time to get used to! You still 'care', but not really about dating! The rest of your life goes back into top priority, and you go on about things, and do not wait for the emails and calls.

Another idea, often wonderfully suggested here, is to write to or wink at a Number of men, and then sit back and wait--that IS fun! I found 4 new ones last night; simply change your search a bit, add miles to the search area, put in another local zipcode instead of yours. Viola, Man City! Cool! You will learn to smirk at those who vaporize, or 'ghost', on you, as there they ARE--still looking! :P Karma wil take care of those gargoyles, let it be! You will live and learn and come to enjoy--all in time, Grasshopper!

Keep us posted!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:19pm

okay, i'm bawling here. really. can't even type (good tears)

((((((((((((((((((THANK you))))))))))))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:29pm

Cool That WannaS!,

Now you're cookin'!

Did I tell you about the men who "Hallmark" their profile? Oh yeah....they Must go to a card store and plagarize lines from all of the smoochy cards There! The profile is Just this side of an Emily Bronte novel; full of talk of treating you like a princess, kisses that float on the wind, "prose on your pillow"--Oh, no he Din't--yes, he DID actually write that! And I FELL for it--wish I had found this board and all of the great people here when I first began, as you have! Write your feelings and they Will be honored with humor, empathy and caring replies, here--it is the Best thing to happen to OLD-ers,and it makes it SO much easier to get through...and smile while you are doing it--and it is LEGAL! Yowser!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:42pm

Cupcake and Wanna,
Thanks for your posts. Wanna, I completely agree I'm having a hard time too. We'll hang in there together. I really enjoy reading the messages on the board and hopefully you will too. Cupcake, thanks so much for your encouragement. As a newbie, I too needed to hear the good words!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 12:01am

Hey girls...

I am not a newbie, but not sure if I qualify for veteran classification, either. My experience with OLD started very much the same as yours...I had such high hopes for every wink and email I sent,or received, hoped for a date, spent lots of time thinking I was getting to know someone through emails or IM's...blah blah. I was being let down constantly by guys who ghosted on line or after a date and couldn't figure it out. I am smart, funny, sexy...so what was I doing wrong?

Then the messages from this board really sunk in...you can't have such high expectations! You have to develop a thicker dating skin. Not that you are uncaring, but you accept that a date is just a date and may not lead to anything else. AND it's not that big a deal...this going on a date thing. Big whoop. You learn that a person can be one way online and one way in real life. You are kind and gracious about meeting new people even if they don't end up liking you back. That is ok.

You really have to be patient with OLD, enjoy the process, and not take it personally when people flake out on you. I mean....you wouldn't have such high expectations of some stranger you met at a party or bar, would you?

You have to be a little tougher, laugh at how ridiculous some guys or girls are, and look for the happy in every situation. Pretty soon you will be telling us about all the wacky emails you are getting from the freaks and enjoying the process just like the rest of us. Then, maybe...WHAM...one nice guy may show up and take your well-deserved heart...IF he deserves it!!

Hang in there, chin up, music on....do the "I Rock!!" dance!

~XRG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 7:46am

Hey girlfriends,

Read the thread about keeping expectations low. Sheri ("northwestwanderer") is my role model on this one. She says send an email and then just forget it. If you get something back, great, but if not, you won't be sitting thinking about it. Easier said than done, for sure, but practice makes perfect.

It does take awhile to learn the hard truth that a date is not a relationship. Every single one of us has had that great first date -- or five or six -- that never was followed up. It's just part of the deal.

And limit communication till you actually meet the person. Weeks worth of emails and hours of phone calls are very deceptive. They lead to inflated ideas of chemistry and can't help but set you off on a long fantasy relationship -- that might not turn into anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:13am

thanks girls. i'm still freakin bawling (and I'm normally a VERY happy person!!!), but in reply to your emails. They REALLY REALLY hit home - right to the freakin core! I still don't get how someone could ghost like that, especially after spending a whole night hitting it off in person, talking and laughing together. But I guess some guys are just plain old WEIRD. Either that, or they've been single or OLDing for waaaayyy tooooo long.... but perhaps THAT is due to the fact that they are.... just plain old WEIRD!!! ah well, who the F*** knows, it's their freakin loss.

But you're right, I do need to get thicker skinned..... and i'm gonna re-read your posts when i get down about it more, and i'm gonna SAVE FACE and walk away from the situation myself as well.... not the OLD situation, but the situation that turned me off from OLD.

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. And VA, we'll definitely hang together through this process.... that sounds like a real good plan to me.

THANK YOU for being there for me right now during this really difficult time, and incredible time of weakness....

with warmth,
jayme

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:26am

I remember something similar happening to me when I first started. We even had a great make out session but he disappeared - never to be heard from again. In real life dating, I had never had that happen before. Usually that would signal another date at least. But in OLD - it means nothing. No matter how well ya think it's going, it'll surprise you. Sadly, I've learned how to ghost myself and not get all excited about anyone. I remember in my 20's I never wanted to be labeled as jaded - that no man had that kind of control over me so I got over him quickly. Now in my late 30's - they've all worn me down. I'm officially jaded.

This post went downhill fast. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Just know you're not alone - we've all been there.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:26am

You might find it easier if you limit the initial meetings to just that - meetings. There have been MANY postings about 4, 5 or 6 hours dates that went fantastic, great, huge chemistry, kissing, sex -- you name it and it's been written about.

Then it's not uncommon for the same person to be back in three days writing that they haven't heard from the other person and just cannot figure it out.

The only way to fight this is a take things slow (and yes, everyone feels THEIR special someone from online is the ABSOLUTE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE BECAUSE THEY ARE SO BLINDINGLY PERFECT THAT RULES COULD NEVER APPLY TO THEM -- and you know what -- that's never, ever the case. The rules of the jungle apply to all. Ignore them at your peril.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:48am

Yes, but where are those "rules" posted? Where can I find out what they are!? What does taking it slow mean? Shouldn't there be at least SOME indication of wanting to get together again at some point?

Ya know what I think? I truly believe now, that some people really have a tendency to let it go to their head... In fact, here's a theory. The sheer QUANTITY of men or women that are available to singles on line is mind blowing to many of them. IOW, the fact that there could be better, or just that there are hundreds available, almost makes somem feel like they almost have to GO THROUGH all HUNDRED first!! Because ya never know.... there could be that one, even better, gem just waiting to be found. And some people's attitude is who the f*** cares if one burns others during their journey, if one hurts other people. BUT THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE, not just on line made up names!

In fact, here's a thought. (but a different topic altogether actually) This person told me some horror stories about past meetings via OLD. Well ya know what? THOSE WERE REAL PEOPLE TOO! You are laughing at THEIR EXPENSE! And here's another thought. If that person could gossip about THEM to ME, whose to say that they aren't already on to the NEXT, gossiping about ME TO THEM!!!!!!!!! In fact, now I'm almost sure that THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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