no sleeping over with guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
no sleeping over with guys?
47
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:29pm

now ive never faced this in my entire life with guys ive either had a hook-up with or dated casually... but the last two guys have been totally anti-sleepover?! whats up wtih that?

guy i just met last night from match (who is great, i like him thus far) didnt sleep over last night just like B, bach #1. at least this guy was honest about it and upfront. He just cant sleep when its someone hes not close with. So ok that is fine. But ive never faced that in my entire dating life? How strange is it? do you all face it?

also, i'd like to add we didnt do anything last night and he was respectful of me by not even trying! but its just strange how these guys have such a hard time sleeping over????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 7:48pm

HI Sg,

I must be getting old...but I did not think so...did you use the words "I just met" and 'sleeping over" in the same paragraph? I thought so!

For me, when I have only had 2 or 3 dates with a man, he has Not been to my home. I am still meeting him elsewhere, and not giving the 4-1-1 on my address. This is just personal safety. Also, I have to go along with the guy #2--hard to rest besides someone if you do Not know them kinda well. His honesty is to be commended.

Again, just my opinion, and may be a generational thing, as I am 48. I see it as a big respect factor, though, as well. I want Them to respect me, so I do not do 'throwdown sex'. Not saying you are Either! :)
'

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 12:10am

SG...I have to agree with cupcake and I am ONLY 35!!!! Why would you have or want or invite a guy to sleep over that you are not closer with? You two haven't even fooled around or anything, yet.

IMHO, it is a much more intimate thing to sleep with someone then to mess around with them. For some reason, to me, to dream and breathe with someone's arms round me or having their legs entwined with mine while we sleep, or lying in the dark listening to their breathing and matching mine with theirs....all of those things feel more intimate then gettin' nekkid and doin' IT. Thus, I wouldn't WANT anyone in my bed, all night, experiencing those kinds of intimacies until we were close.

Otherwise, if we aren't close, we can roll around in the living room and I can kiss him at the door in a t-shirt as he leaves and I look forward to having my own space....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 2:09am

I don't think it's that hard. I agree with the notion that sleeping with someone is, in some ways, more intimate than having sex with them.

In fact, it's a pretty good indication of how comfortable I am with someone if I can sleep with them. Not have sex, but SLEEP. When I'm really good with someone, I can snooze right off with them.

And yeah, I've done the sleeping-without-fooling-around thing before. I've heard from buddies that they've done it too, so I suspect it's more common than some people think. Of course, I've also heard people be totally shocked at it.

SG, FWIW, I don't think the first meeting I'd sleep over either- unless the date was fairly long and we had quite a bit of communication beforehand. At least not sleep over in the same bed- crashing on a couch or in a guest bedroom, different story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:14am
During approximately what number of sleepovers is it expected that one or both of you will begin to really get to know each other. I think you know what I mean - farting in bed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 7:32am

LG -- First. EEEWWW.

Aside from that. I agree with the other posters. What are you thinking, having a guy to your house on the first meeting -- let alone having sex with him? Honey, have you not been paying attention? Danger, Will Robinson!

Very bad idea. You don't know anything about him yet. He should NOT be going to your house, nor you to his, for at least 2 or 3 dates. I don't care what kind of chemistry you have. Serial killers/rapists are often among the most charming of men. And, did I say, BAD IDEA????

On the theoretical idea of 'sleeping' ... sometimes it takes me a very long time to be able to sleep with a guy -- months, maybe. I've only actually achieved it with 3 or 4 men in my life. One being my ex-husband, and with him, it happened right away. (we were really happy for a long time.)

Sposa (still appalled and worried)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:30am

I agree with s- there was an article not too long ago about a guy who worked for the State of CT who was allegedly bringing co-workers home to watch movies. Turns out that allegedly the guy was slipping them some type of drug and photographing them nude. The cops found all these home movies (the paper made it sound as if there were tons)...

Guess who the star(s) were...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:57am
geez, i'm all down about not getting a hint at a first date after our initial meeting, and that just involved hours of talking and a peck good night! I think I'd be in freakin SERIOUS TROUBLE if the guy slept over and then ghosted. How do you deal with that!!! And believe me, age doesn't really appear to matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 9:29am
Keep your legs together until you have been dating a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 11:24am
I'm 25 and have to agree with everyone here: you just met and he's sleeping over?? I find that when the guy is sleeping over my place or me at his place, it's a major step in the relationship, we're past dating, past casual, we're now starting to get serious, I have a hard time sleeping next to a guy on my bed who I'm not yet comfortable with (literally stay up all night trying to get some sleep). But if you just met him, isn't it too soon to be sleeping with him (even if it is in fact just sleeping!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 11:28am

SG, I am with everyone else here! Shocked that you would actually invite this guy you hardly know from a serial killer on the street into your home much less your BED! I am in the younger set too (34) and I would NEVER do that. I can't tell whether or not you were looking for sex or were just inviting him to sleep over, but regardless, that was NOT a good move to make. I don't want to be offensive but that was downright dumb. I also don't care how charming or wonderful someone comes across - this is a first meeting with someone you met ONLINE! Have you not read the articles? Sure, those are "rare" cases, but they happen to trusting people that do silly things like invite people to their homes after meeting them once. Please do not do this again!

And on that, I do think that these are probably good guys that turn you down. They are trying to take things slow and be respectful. Also, I know a lot of guys think that once they have sex with a girl, the girl will become all "oh, we're in love and in a relationship now that we've slept together" and so will take it slower too. The last thing they want from a first date is for a girl to get all clingy and think it means something. On the other hand, if they WANT to see you again and think there could be potential for something more, they will wait. They want to take their time and get to know you before taking this step.

Oh and again, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not ask some guy you don't know to come to your house much less sleep over again! I don't want to read about you as one of the OLD horror stories.

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