How to say no..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
How to say no..
7
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 4:49pm

Hi guys,

This board has been very educational. I just am confused by my own behavior. It seems like the guys I meet all try to get me to do things im not comfortable with. Usually im torn between how I THINK I should act and how I want to act. Im starting to wonder if im old fashioned or a prude. Not all of these things are sexual. For example. A guy ive gone out with once before wanted to come to my house to watch some movies, I didnt feel comfortable since we only went out once before and I live alone. But I still felt like something was wrong with me, like I just wasn't cool anymore because I didnt think it was the right time for one-on-one at my apartment. He didnt try to make me feel bad about it, but I still felt like he would think I was uptight if I said no. I find I have a hard time saying no when im involved with someone, Its easy for me to tell people I dont like "no", but it feels like im letting them down if im less then enthusiastic about something they suggest. Does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions?

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 5:05pm
I don't know - you sound like you're on the right track. Think about it. If they take off after you say no to them -- what does it say about the relationship potential?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 5:15pm

Thanks LG,

To be honest your right if they take off im better off, but I guess im wondering if maybe ive been out of the dating scene too long (just got out of a long term relationship about 8 months ago), and since i dont have all that much experience, that maybe its me? I just am not sure about what is to be expected and what is coming on too strong..

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 5:24pm
gal_m, stick to your instincts. If something doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. If they are going to get bent out of shape because you told them you don't feel comfortable with them coming over to your house yet, then you are much better off without them. I don't think you are misunderstanding the rules or have been out of the dating scene too long. It is a personal choice but always a good rule of thumb to not invite someone over until you know them better. Especially when you have met them online. In the days before online dating, you met people through work, friends or family. Chances are you knew someone that knew them at the very least or got to know them a little before dating. in OLD, you share a few emails and phone calls and go out with someone. It is a different situation entirely. You know what is right to you so if it feels right to say no to them coming over for awhile, that is perfectly fine. You have every right to do what you feel comfortable with. Don't worry about offending them by saying no either. Maybe even explain that you're new to this and you want to take things slowly.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 7:18pm
This is a self esteem/maturity issue. Have confidence in your own judgement. You don't say how old you are, but I am guessing you're fairly young -- young women often get into uncomfortable situations when they feel pressured into doing things they don't want to do (sexual and otherwise) because they don't have the perspective or experience to trust themselves. You have a right to feel exactly however you feel, nobody has the right to tell you your feelings are wrong. That goes double in a dating situation. Don't waffle; that'll make you look like you don't really mean "no" when you DO mean it. Just say you're not comfortable, or you don't want to, and change the subject or say good night. A man who is worth anything will respect your limits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 7:20pm
Also -- if you are really thinking his feelings are hurt, here's a tactic I use. I say to them, "I know you have a (daughter/sister) so you'll understand when I say I'd rather not have you to my home until we know each other better." That really puts it into perspective for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 10:43pm

>>He didnt try to make me feel bad about it, but I still felt like he would think I was uptight if I said no.<<

Other folks have had some good input. Here's something else to think about.

You absolutely, 100%, cannot control what someone thinks about you. Therefore, what they are thinking is something that is, frankly, a waste of time to worry about.

The only thing you can do is be you. If that means that some guy thinks you're a prude because you won't have him to your house for watching a movie (and you won't go to his house for the same thing) then too bad, so sad.

Look at it this way- you probably have come across a phony, lying kind of guy at some point in your life. Maybe you haven't dated one, but you know someone who has, right?

Well, that's incredibly frustrating. When you put time and energy into something and someone, and they turn out to be a different person than you thought.

Same thing goes for you, only in reverse. If you're a type of person who's not comfortable doing something like you mention, then that's just how you are and who you are.

If you act in a different manner than how you really are, then later change, then YOU are the one being a phony.

So don't do it. If you aren't comfy with something, just don't do it. If the guy has a problem with it, well, it's HIS problem, not yours. He can make up his own mind about what to do.

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 2:15pm

I agree with the other posters. FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS- they will rarely lead you down the wrong path. If this guy was a good match for you, he would have understood and not tried to make you feel bad.

I do have something to add that I don't think the other posters mentioned. You might also want to be aware of how the choices you are making are based on the fear of getting hurt again. I'm definitely not saying what you did was wrong. Every person needs to decide when it is best to allow the guy/girl into your home. I know for me I usually don't let them pick me up until the third date. But unless it's someone I'm interested in, I usually don't let a 3rd date happen. I don't date for sport or a free meal, I date to meet new people- hope to make new friends, and eventually find the man I'm supposed to shae my life with.

I guess the point I'm making is, once you've seen someone for a while and your instincts are telling you he seems like a decent guy, but you are still unsure about making decisions. Look inside yourself to see if it is fear guiding you.

I hope that made some sense. :) Sometimes I can ramble...