Living together before marriage, Y or No

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Living together before marriage, Y or No
54
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 5:45pm

Living together before marriage

Saying you’re marriage minded......(I’m sure this has been posted before) thought it would be fun to see both sides.

Yes or No and why?

The Peanut

I say yes because this way you don’t need to rush into the marriage and you can see how they are on a daily basis (even if you take a two week vacation together, spend 5 nights a week) the daily routine can make or break a lifetime decision together. I used to think, no, proposal first but if you move in with the intent of marriage (w/in the year) then I think it’s the way to go. I also heard a statistic that people who lived together before marriage were more likely to get divorced, not sure why?

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 6:09pm

Well, some people say that the lower rate of success for marriages of folks who lived together before getting married is because it's cause-and-effect. In other words, somehow living together beforehand (in sin) makes you less likely to be able to stay married.

I think that's a load of bunk. :)

I think that the real reason is that the type people who are willing to live together before getting married view that kind of relationship, and also a married relationship, more casually than people who are unwiling to live together.

I'm not saying it's good or bad; I'm saying that's just how they think.

Myself, I have spent time in both camps. I used to think living together was fine; then I went (after a crappy experience!) to the other viewpoint.

Now, I'm somewhere in the middle. I generally am with you, SP, if I understand your position correctly. I think that it's okay to live together, but only AFTER you are sure you're getting married.

I mean, I think it's okay to live with someone without being married or even having plans to marry- it's not up to me to tell someone else how to live in that respect.

But for me- and I think for most people- we're better off not doing that.

And I really think it's not a good idea to "try" living together to see if, after that trial, you want to get married. The two situations are completely different, because splitting up from the living-together thing is a lot different in many ways than divorcing.

Plus, there's just something about making that big commitment to someone. Once you do it, if you truly mean it and accept that there divorce is only an absolute-worst-case scenario, it forces you to think differently about working things out in the marriage.

When you're just living with someone, the option is easier to use, so you might not put as much into it as you would if you were married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 6:23pm

For me absolutely not. I feel that you can spend enough time together with each other before you get married to know whether you can live together or not. IMHO living together makes it too easy to not work on the relationship. You have an easy out if things get tough, where as, if you're married it's not so easy to walk out the door.

In my situation, I'm 50 years old, own my own home and work hard for what I have. I think it would be foolish for me to give that up and move in with a man on the premise of living together. Nor would I expect him to do the same and move in with me. I want something concrete before either of us sells what we have and moves in together.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:01pm

Having done it twice (once leading to marriage, once not), I don't intend to do it again until I'm engaged and the weddding is just a few months off. I didn't learn anything about the men that you can't learn from keeping your eyes open during dating (assuming you spend the amount of time together that you normally would if you're serious), and it's a LOT more difficult to break up when you're living together.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:02pm

I would never live with anyone before marriage. If they love me enough, they'll marry me.

IMHO, I think that the living together thing was invented by commitment phobic men who want to have their cake and eat it too...

I've heard that statistic too, but it wasn't explained why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:03pm

The reason they say living together before marriage leads to a higher number of divorce is because when you live together you have a "I can get out of this any time I want to" mentality, and (according to those studies) couples who lived together before tend to carry this mentality with them into marriage.

I still say "yes" to living together before, but I would not make it a requirement though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:07pm
It's also a lot easier to get them in than to get them out (should the need arise).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:38pm
Interesting question and interesting responses so far. For me it's yes and no. Having children to think of, I would live with someone if it were a de facto marriage - clearly spoken commitment to each other and each other's children. It's a trust issue and a socio-political issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:52pm

Never living with another guy again unless there's a big ole fat ring on my left ring finger. I've lived with 4 and that's all it ever was. Probably a good thing now that I look back but man, it never worked out for me.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:26pm

I think everyone is different. Every relationship is different.

Me and Mr. Match.com guy started living together after the holidays. We already talked marriage, met the families, agreed we were committed to this for the long haul. He moved into my condo because it was bigger and his condo is on the market as we speak.

For us it makes sense because we both have to travel for work, it keeps us more connected to at least come home to someone then miss another chance of being together because of logistics, plus the chance to save money for when we do get married and move into a bigger house.

Bottom line in my opinion, you are either committed to the relationship or you aren't. Walking down the aisle or a big rock on your hand doesn't = commitment. It isn't a magic aisle :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:31pm

Since the only aisle I've ever been down is in my local grocery store, it is indeed the magic aisle.

I hope it works out for you!

Lisa

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